My totally lame and completely out of boredom post yesterday titled ‘Interest Me?’ is at number 12 on top blogs? What the heck? Sorry guys… lol. I was not expecting that. I’m happy I gained 3 new friends and some people I’d never heard of dropped comments. Not too shabby for randomly complaining about boredom and essentially blaming my subscriptions for not being interesting enough. Kinda sad when I say it that way, huh? You guys are awesome, I was just particularly bored and wanted some intellectual stimulation, passionate conversation… you know, something, anything to make me feel more alive while the weather sucks and nothing fun is happening. 

School school school. Boring boring boring. No one wants to talk about that (even though its always on my mind as the time ticks away to my start date at the end of April).

A friend of mine just mentioned that in Catholism it was prophesied that the 112th pope would be the last. My response “wouldn’t it be neat if all the denominations melted away and the prophecy was true… if we really embraced unity in Christ without all the divisions that have kept us from community?” Just fed my desire for change in Christianity. I know reformation of sorts is necessary. Thoughts?

I’m looking through my subscriptions and nothing is catching my eye. 

My blog seems low in traffic too.

Gosh dang I wish something interesting would happen!

Promote a blog guys… I want a good read; my coffee is getting cold!

So my sweet cousin Christine just signed up for some blogging enjoyment =]. She has a HUGE heart and is also an ENFP like Lonnie and me.

After she got set up she asked how to ‘find’ people to read… I originally wanted to feature her, but I don’t want to put too much pressure on her for her first entry to be some spectacular masterpiece – though I’m sure it will be! So… I started to send her recommendations of some people to check out and with little blurbs about why I like them. I came up with 9 before I felt like I might be overwhelming her. 

Basically, before she even writes, I just want you all to know how incredible she is. She’s overcome many many obstacles in life and is a true inspiration. She is worthy of validation, applause and appreciation. A beautiful person who knows suffering and difficulties but still has not let them ruin her. I can see her becoming stronger and stronger and I just know many here will love being a part of her story. She has a special voice and needs to be heard. I won’t share too much in detail because, I know she wants to do that =] I simply wanted her to feel welcomed and loved like I do when I come to Xanga.

So PLEASE…. give her a shoutout!

@livinglifeonlifesterms

Let the ambush begin!

I’ve always had a knack for seeing the beauty in others. I think as I’ve matured it has really come to the forefront of who I am. I believe everyone is beautiful and addressing physical beauty may be fun and interesting, but the reason I want to be a beautician is to use my ability to draw out the beautiful in my clients… not just highlight their aesthetic beauty but to truly make them feel like the beautiful people they are in my presence, in my chair. I enjoy people, conversation and relationship and i only hope I’m as skillful a hair dresser as I am in communication and making people feel beautiful and celebrated.

I’ve lined most of Cosmetology school up. I will be attending Regency Beauty Institute (the Merrillville campus). My first day will be April 29th. My children will have just finished up soccer and Johnny and I will have just celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. I’m really looking forward to the timeline my schooling fits into. Should I do the minimum of 80% attendance I will graduate by September 11th, but hopefully nothing will hold me back from being there and I can move that up at least a month. My babies will be enrolled in some type of preschool when I graduate. Jacs will be 3.5 Levi will be 4.5 and I’ll be 29 years old. Wow, at least I can say I finished something I wanted to do before I was 30! I hope to be working in a salon right away and learning the tricks of the trade under fabulous hair dressers. My long term goals will be to educate the next generation of talented beauticians! 

I’ve been cutting my own hair since 9th grade. I’ve always had compliments since then about how great my hair looks. I’ve had other hair stylists point out how well my hair moves and what a great cut I have. I sometimes giggle thinking “if they only took a closer look they’d see that I really just sculpt it and I know no real technique.” My fears are that the reality of perfecting the technique will make me crazy and I’ll fail. As much as I want to be good at this… I feel like I simply have very forgiving and generous hair. It is much more difficult to give others hair cuts, but maybe I’m being too hard on myself and once I have the proper techniques I’ll be unstoppable! I can at least hope and apply myself to see if there is anything special there.

If you know me, it just seems to fit that I’d find a career here. It will allow me to be myself, to help others be themselves and use my remarkable people skills. i do worry about what I like to call ‘the unpleaseables’. I like to make people happy… at ease. It will be difficult when that seems to fail – especially when i will make mistakes. Everyone has to make mistakes to learn… I pray my clients and guinea pigs are gracious to me. 

I’ve also never considered myself a very artistic or creative person. Only once I started writing did I realize I am creative, just not the same way as others. I do enjoy making things, but I struggle visually. Basically, I can pretty much copy a lot of art work… but to actually develop it on my own is near impossible. I think, maybe hair is my thing… I see people all the time and wish I could redress them and use a different color eye shadow to make their eyes and cheek bones pop. I see their hair and just know what color would work with their skin. I know if they need to be warmed up or cooled down. 

BUT… am I going to be a copy cat in a sea of individual artists? Will I get lost as I’m out-shined by artistic ability I’ve only ever wished I could have? I suppose if I am, I will graciously applaud their giftings and accept that mine might not be the same, but I will have clients that will come to me and love me for my gifts and abilities… even if I’m not the best dresser… I hope to be the best beautician making everyone I know and love that sits in my chair feel beautiful inside and out.

I have no idea why my nose is all red? lol. And under my eyes are super white from my coverup… gosh darn that bright light on my phone!

If you remember the Platinum Plunge – this was the other half of what I really wanted… the PIXIE =]

I think a tattoo will look amazing on my neck now =]

BTW… I’ve started the process to start beauty school in April =]

I need to write through this… bare with me.

I’ve had a desire to be a surrogate almost 2 years now. Before anyone starts yelling at me about giving my baby away, let’s remember that being a surrogate does NOT require you to use your own eggs… If the couple cannot provide eggs of their own, they will need to get a donor in place.

Anyway, this is my first time really discussing this openly, so be gracious with your concerns as I really haven’t been able to iron out all the details yet and may not have thought of some very important issues related to this HUGE life changing desire.

My biggest concern was the fact that I don’t seem to be able to deliver naturally. I’ve had 2 emergency C-sections and the couple and my Dr. would have to be aware and at ease with a planned 3rd c-section. This also leads to the realization that this would essentially be my LAST pregnancy. My husband is certain he is done. While I’m content with my family… I just feel like I have more to give here, maybe that is why my heart is so heavy to do this for someone.

I stated that the c-section situation WAS my biggest concern… but after researching, I’m realizing there are much larger concerns. We currently receive government aid for our children. I’m looking for a waitressing job now… it might be just what we need to get us to a secure place, but child-care is still a concern for us. Anyway… I don’t have insurance myself but my husband just started a great job at the company I used to work for and their insurance is wonderful! But that’s still 3 months down the road so I might have to just research and focus on financial independence while I pray for the right couple to give this gift to.

Basically, I’m fearful that though my heart wants this… I may not be able to make it happen for someone.

I was moved to just vlog it… even though I look horrendous. No shower yet, no makeup..YIKES – still felt useful so here it is:

I’ve been meaning to do an ‘impressions’ blog… but it will have to wait.

After my little rant last night followed by a killer gym work out and ending with a 3 hour conversation in bed… I’ve tried to reflect a bit on why that exploded as it did.

I think, mostly… I feel like I’m being duped when it comes to the Johnny I hold hands with and the one at work. I get angry when I realize that his character doesn’t line up with the man I know at home. I’m the same person everywhere I go. I don’t let my demons out here and not there. I’m crazy, overwhelming and only slightly bridled Summer pretty much 24/7. So I think even more than the nature of the discussion about sexual conversations about other women… I’m really displeased with the lack of care attributed to Johnny’s image at work. (Especially because if you knew Johnny IMAGE is everything to him.)

Now… I always worry you guys think my husband is a big lump of jerk, but he’s not. I just let it all out here because I know that A) my perception could be off and writing it can be exactly what I need to realize that B)once you tell family, they never forget and C) this is my safe place.

So, while I’m exposing my husbands weaknesses on this anonymous blog, be aware that I’m not exposing them to my girlfriends or my parents or Facebook etc… (in case you were concerned for him, and rightly so.)

I’m concerned I’m not handling my frustrations properly when addressing them with Johnny. But, I just feel like he doesn’t care to take responsibility and he’d rather use a cop out. So my frustrations lead to the ‘attack’ style conversations with lots of accusations and belittling. I HATE WHEN I GET MANIPULATIVE. I obviously have a lot to work on in that area.

Character. This is my issue.

I love Johnny. I feel for him. I have genuinely pushed my pain aside and done everything I could to coddle his sexual weaknesses without taking it personal. And for the most part… I think I’m doing a decent job. However, there are times when I just can’t handle some of the things this entails. I really don’t care about pornography. Its his struggle, his battle and really, I just want him to be healthy sexually so I really don’t fight with that anymore because I think its an internal issue so trying to clean up the floor when the toilet is still running is useless.

Johnny has a think for older women. It’s a fetish. We’ve talked about it since we were dating. I don’t think its cute, but it’s his thing so I leave it alone. And we even joke about the older women that seriously blow my mind he finds attractive! If I point out a beautiful young lady, his first response it… ewe, too young. So its almost a running joke now with friends and family but he never talks sexually about them in our joking with others together.

So… I guess my points here are to try and get on a better foot with the subject. I’m not sure where we stand at the moment on the topic. I really just wanted to hear that he understands what I’m handling, while he too wanted to hear that I can handle what he’s dealing with. In most times, I can… I don’t take it personal and I try to help him heal and grow and keep our sex life vibrant and enjoyable.

There is something I haven’t shared, and even though its anonymous… I’d rather not. No he didn’t have an affair or anything to that length. He just crossed a line on the internet and it has made my ability to handle the normal sexual issues without the grace I had last week.