I want to know what to hold
you or me, or the dream that could be,
would be, should be,
won't be, can't be... had to be?
I don't know any more than you do
a clouded mess
a restless test
this or that
single minglings
triple meanings
lost days
hopeful ways
wishful stays
if only you would.
if only I had.
minor setbacks
a stepping stone
or two or three
i'm sure it's necessity
but still
what the heck
this is where we are left
lets not stay
lets not waste
no more timefilled foolishness
onto wedded bliss?
8 years old
too young to die
tighter we grasp
refusing the lie
that maybe we weren't,
weren't meant to be
I've been yours
and you've been mine
I think we both know it's time
to make amends
or admit regrets
either way
I will say
you will lay
we will pray
something will become
because all we have is love
not the useless kind
the kind that holds on
live or die
it's you and me
even through the questioning
survive
we must
survive
we trust
survive
you and I
against the tide

Johnny got a new job, and.... SURPRISE, he hates it. So the misery continues.

He says he feels lost. I get that, I've been there. It's hard to let go of dreams that didn't pan out, but you have to in order to make new dreams.

This is not where I thought I'd be at 27 years old. Still, I'm going to do everything I can to enjoy what I have.

 

For the first time ever my husband said he wishes he were more like me. He has never sad anything like that before.  Most of the time I'm pretty certain he doesn't like anything about me, much less to aspire to be anything like me.

 

So his unhappiness continues.

I know that I know that I should be his biggest support. I know that I know that I should keep cheering him on. I should love deeper... hold on tighter and offer him the assurance of my love through anything and everything. As he questions his life, himself and what comes next - he should not have to worry if his wife will collapse and fold. My promise to love forever should be of great comfort...

But I'm weary  I'm lonely. I'm exhausted. I feel empty in his presence and drained of happiness when he is around. I've held onto memories that reminded me of the goodness in 'us', but there are times when those memories are not enough. I long for my relationship to live again.

live again I say

breath again

be real

inspire and bring life

dazzle with your beauty

showing all the world 

the love of lovers

the song of the sweethearts

made for only each other

 

It doesn't seem to matter what I want for us. it doesn't seem to matter what I need. Overall all that seems to ring loudly is the discontent and lack of desire for life my husband is lost in.

 

I want to pull him out. scream at him. through a fit. kick and shout. let every bit of resentment and bitterness go. I need to be able to speak of my disgust.

 

How can you have so much wealth... be surrounded by such beauty in life and want everything else but it?

How do hear the pitter-patter of toddlers joyful feet in the morning and sigh with frustration?

How does the sun stream in on a bright morning and no smile finds your lips?

How can the warmth of a beautiful woman eager to love and admonish not offer you joy?

I've given all I could. My whole heart, my every dream willing to mesh and even throw away for the sake of another... one that unites two people. I've longed for, asked for and worked diligently to bring happiness in the heart of my love who cannot see it. 

Still I will love and fight when it hurts, I just pray that hope keeps me in its grasp while I struggle with the outcome of what is at the moment.

 

The moments are fading

time is against us

separating as we move forward

different directions

neither understands why

life of empty decisions

leading nowhere together

you feel lost

I feel bitter

'hold on tighter,' they say.

'stick it out

life isn't about happiness

think of your kids'

right, right - i hadn't thought of that

my kids... of course

that's the answer

commitment 

hold tighter than before

even though hearts are severed

just grin and bare

life will carry on

the kids won't notice

as long as you are family

i only wish

brokenness still exists

legally divided or not

the issue remains 

untamed

unresolved

resulting in further decay

 

My totally lame and completely out of boredom post yesterday titled 'Interest Me?' is at number 12 on top blogs? What the heck? Sorry guys... lol. I was not expecting that. I'm happy I gained 3 new friends and some people I'd never heard of dropped comments. Not too shabby for randomly complaining about boredom and essentially blaming my subscriptions for not being interesting enough. Kinda sad when I say it that way, huh? You guys are awesome, I was just particularly bored and wanted some intellectual stimulation, passionate conversation... you know, something, anything to make me feel more alive while the weather sucks and nothing fun is happening. 

School school school. Boring boring boring. No one wants to talk about that (even though its always on my mind as the time ticks away to my start date at the end of April).

A friend of mine just mentioned that in Catholism it was prophesied that the 112th pope would be the last. My response "wouldn't it be neat if all the denominations melted away and the prophecy was true... if we really embraced unity in Christ without all the divisions that have kept us from community?" Just fed my desire for change in Christianity. I know reformation of sorts is necessary. Thoughts?

 

I'm looking through my subscriptions and nothing is catching my eye. 

My blog seems low in traffic too.

Gosh dang I wish something interesting would happen!

Promote a blog guys... I want a good read; my coffee is getting cold!

So my sweet cousin Christine just signed up for some blogging enjoyment =]. She has a HUGE heart and is also an ENFP like Lonnie and me.

After she got set up she asked how to 'find' people to read... I originally wanted to feature her, but I don't want to put too much pressure on her for her first entry to be some spectacular masterpiece - though I'm sure it will be! So... I started to send her recommendations of some people to check out and with little blurbs about why I like them. I came up with 9 before I felt like I might be overwhelming her. 

Basically, before she even writes, I just want you all to know how incredible she is. She's overcome many many obstacles in life and is a true inspiration. She is worthy of validation, applause and appreciation. A beautiful person who knows suffering and difficulties but still has not let them ruin her. I can see her becoming stronger and stronger and I just know many here will love being a part of her story. She has a special voice and needs to be heard. I won't share too much in detail because, I know she wants to do that =] I simply wanted her to feel welcomed and loved like I do when I come to Xanga.

 

So PLEASE.... give her a shoutout!

@livinglifeonlifesterms

Let the ambush begin!

 

 

I've always had a knack for seeing the beauty in others. I think as I've matured it has really come to the forefront of who I am. I believe everyone is beautiful and addressing physical beauty may be fun and interesting, but the reason I want to be a beautician is to use my ability to draw out the beautiful in my clients... not just highlight their aesthetic beauty but to truly make them feel like the beautiful people they are in my presence, in my chair. I enjoy people, conversation and relationship and i only hope I'm as skillful a hair dresser as I am in communication and making people feel beautiful and celebrated.

I've lined most of Cosmetology school up. I will be attending Regency Beauty Institute (the Merrillville campus). My first day will be April 29th. My children will have just finished up soccer and Johnny and I will have just celebrated our 8 year wedding anniversary. I'm really looking forward to the timeline my schooling fits into. Should I do the minimum of 80% attendance I will graduate by September 11th, but hopefully nothing will hold me back from being there and I can move that up at least a month. My babies will be enrolled in some type of preschool when I graduate. Jacs will be 3.5 Levi will be 4.5 and I'll be 29 years old. Wow, at least I can say I finished something I wanted to do before I was 30! I hope to be working in a salon right away and learning the tricks of the trade under fabulous hair dressers. My long term goals will be to educate the next generation of talented beauticians! 

I've been cutting my own hair since 9th grade. I've always had compliments since then about how great my hair looks. I've had other hair stylists point out how well my hair moves and what a great cut I have. I sometimes giggle thinking "if they only took a closer look they'd see that I really just sculpt it and I know no real technique." My fears are that the reality of perfecting the technique will make me crazy and I'll fail. As much as I want to be good at this... I feel like I simply have very forgiving and generous hair. It is much more difficult to give others hair cuts, but maybe I'm being too hard on myself and once I have the proper techniques I'll be unstoppable! I can at least hope and apply myself to see if there is anything special there.

If you know me, it just seems to fit that I'd find a career here. It will allow me to be myself, to help others be themselves and use my remarkable people skills. i do worry about what I like to call 'the unpleaseables'. I like to make people happy... at ease. It will be difficult when that seems to fail - especially when i will make mistakes. Everyone has to make mistakes to learn... I pray my clients and guinea pigs are gracious to me. 

I've also never considered myself a very artistic or creative person. Only once I started writing did I realize I am creative, just not the same way as others. I do enjoy making things, but I struggle visually. Basically, I can pretty much copy a lot of art work... but to actually develop it on my own is near impossible. I think, maybe hair is my thing... I see people all the time and wish I could redress them and use a different color eye shadow to make their eyes and cheek bones pop. I see their hair and just know what color would work with their skin. I know if they need to be warmed up or cooled down. 

BUT... am I going to be a copy cat in a sea of individual artists? Will I get lost as I'm out-shined by artistic ability I've only ever wished I could have? I suppose if I am, I will graciously applaud their giftings and accept that mine might not be the same, but I will have clients that will come to me and love me for my gifts and abilities... even if I'm not the best dresser... I hope to be the best beautician making everyone I know and love that sits in my chair feel beautiful inside and out.

I have no idea why my nose is all red? lol. And under my eyes are super white from my coverup... gosh darn that bright light on my phone!

If you remember the Platinum Plunge - this was the other half of what I really wanted... the PIXIE =]

 

I think a tattoo will look amazing on my neck now =]

 

BTW... I've started the process to start beauty school in April =]