I need to write through this... bare with me.

I've had a desire to be a surrogate almost 2 years now. Before anyone starts yelling at me about giving my baby away, let's remember that being a surrogate does NOT require you to use your own eggs... If the couple cannot provide eggs of their own, they will need to get a donor in place.

Anyway, this is my first time really discussing this openly, so be gracious with your concerns as I really haven't been able to iron out all the details yet and may not have thought of some very important issues related to this HUGE life changing desire.

My biggest concern was the fact that I don't seem to be able to deliver naturally. I've had 2 emergency C-sections and the couple and my Dr. would have to be aware and at ease with a planned 3rd c-section. This also leads to the realization that this would essentially be my LAST pregnancy. My husband is certain he is done. While I'm content with my family... I just feel like I have more to give here, maybe that is why my heart is so heavy to do this for someone.

I stated that the c-section situation WAS my biggest concern... but after researching, I'm realizing there are much larger concerns. We currently receive government aid for our children. I'm looking for a waitressing job now... it might be just what we need to get us to a secure place, but child-care is still a concern for us. Anyway... I don't have insurance myself but my husband just started a great job at the company I used to work for and their insurance is wonderful! But that's still 3 months down the road so I might have to just research and focus on financial independence while I pray for the right couple to give this gift to.

Basically, I'm fearful that though my heart wants this... I may not be able to make it happen for someone.

I was moved to just vlog it... even though I look horrendous. No shower yet, no makeup..YIKES - still felt useful so here it is:

I've been meaning to do an 'impressions' blog... but it will have to wait.

After my little rant last night followed by a killer gym work out and ending with a 3 hour conversation in bed... I've tried to reflect a bit on why that exploded as it did.

I think, mostly... I feel like I'm being duped when it comes to the Johnny I hold hands with and the one at work. I get angry when I realize that his character doesn't line up with the man I know at home. I'm the same person everywhere I go. I don't let my demons out here and not there. I'm crazy, overwhelming and only slightly bridled Summer pretty much 24/7. So I think even more than the nature of the discussion about sexual conversations about other women... I'm really displeased with the lack of care attributed to Johnny's image at work. (Especially because if you knew Johnny IMAGE is everything to him.)

Now... I always worry you guys think my husband is a big lump of jerk, but he's not. I just let it all out here because I know that A) my perception could be off and writing it can be exactly what I need to realize that B)once you tell family, they never forget and C) this is my safe place.

So, while I'm exposing my husbands weaknesses on this anonymous blog, be aware that I'm not exposing them to my girlfriends or my parents or Facebook etc... (in case you were concerned for him, and rightly so.)

I'm concerned I'm not handling my frustrations properly when addressing them with Johnny. But, I just feel like he doesn't care to take responsibility and he'd rather use a cop out. So my frustrations lead to the 'attack' style conversations with lots of accusations and belittling. I HATE WHEN I GET MANIPULATIVE. I obviously have a lot to work on in that area.

Character. This is my issue.

I love Johnny. I feel for him. I have genuinely pushed my pain aside and done everything I could to coddle his sexual weaknesses without taking it personal. And for the most part... I think I'm doing a decent job. However, there are times when I just can't handle some of the things this entails. I really don't care about pornography. Its his struggle, his battle and really, I just want him to be healthy sexually so I really don't fight with that anymore because I think its an internal issue so trying to clean up the floor when the toilet is still running is useless.

Johnny has a think for older women. It's a fetish. We've talked about it since we were dating. I don't think its cute, but it's his thing so I leave it alone. And we even joke about the older women that seriously blow my mind he finds attractive! If I point out a beautiful young lady, his first response it... ewe, too young. So its almost a running joke now with friends and family but he never talks sexually about them in our joking with others together.

So... I guess my points here are to try and get on a better foot with the subject. I'm not sure where we stand at the moment on the topic. I really just wanted to hear that he understands what I'm handling, while he too wanted to hear that I can handle what he's dealing with. In most times, I can... I don't take it personal and I try to help him heal and grow and keep our sex life vibrant and enjoyable.

There is something I haven't shared, and even though its anonymous... I'd rather not. No he didn't have an affair or anything to that length. He just crossed a line on the internet and it has made my ability to handle the normal sexual issues without the grace I had last week.

I've got a load of questions here. I'm a little aggravated and trying not not to sound like a judgmental prude that is unaware of man's nature and constant sex drive, but, truthfully, I'm somewhat disgusted by what men say about women in the company of other men.

Apparently I'm just ignorant and was unaware that it is not only okay, but unavoidable for men to discuss other women in sexual ways while in fellowship with other 'guys' - especially young single men. Forgive me for assuming my husband and others' husbands would respect their wives and not speak in such raunchy ways about every piece of ass that walks in front of them *cough* I mean, every woman.

I wonder, men, if you consider how disrespectful it is to your wives to openly speak about sexual things you would do to these women if you 'had the chance'. I wonder because I know that even though I'm confident and feel very secure that I can meet my husbands needs... it really sucks now to know that every time those bastards at his job look at me they probably don't think he's getting any or that there is something wrong with me that I'm not as desirable as that old lady with the saggy butt Johnny can't stop talking about (he has an old lady fetish), I just don't get it. I get that it happens. I don't even expect him not to slip up, but I'm jut tired of hearing about it. I'm over it and I'm appalled.

Do you speak like this about other women? Do you consider it disrespectful? Do you tell your wives the things you say? Come on... fill me in because it's possible I might just be totally misunderstanding what marriage is....

Tomorrow we are celebrating Jacson and Levi's 2nd and 3rd Birthday at Chuck E Cheese. I have to make cup cakes, order the balloons and put the treat bags together for the kids. They are very excited, and so are we! I personally love playing the games there =]

Johnny apologized the other day. It was helpful. I'm glad I made it through and really only told Xanga what a mess I was for those couple of days. I'm glad that he is able to see his own issues right now though and that is worth the trouble in itself. He's working on things and that means the world to me. Thank you for the encouragement and support through the rough days! Love you guys.

Tomorrow is my second weigh in for the biggest looser... but I may not be able to get back on here to update until Monday. It will be a busy weekend.

I feel like I had other stuff to say and I just can't remember!

Oh, I find out if I'm getting another nephew or a niece on February 5th. Excited to hear the news.

Ahhh, its killing me... I know I'm missing something. - oh well... I'll think of it later I'm sure.

I recently read a few books... studied a few things on organic church and found a lot of answers to some deep questions my heart has been circling for years. In this endeavor I have found that institutional church really has been coming up short to the vision I hope to see the Bride become (also believing it is God's vision). Then I just end up feeling like a weirdo when nothing seems to point in that hope ever coming forward to fruition. It is a great burden and a lonely one. Organic church has not happened for me yet though I long for it to... I still know there is a reason, there is a rhyme to this season.

I just wish I could get to where I want to be, but its a process... a time to discover and be full of vision and cultivate passion. This is a difficult time, but one that will produce something only difficulties, blood sweat and tears can - the harder the season the more to be drawn from the trial.

God give me the visions people fear. Give me the passion only you know how to harness. Instill in me whatever it takes to fulfill your will of love and purpose in my life. I will dream for tomorrow and embrace today's gifts. Let me be full of possibility as I bridal who I am in You in each moment I'm given.

I hope you read this article, I'd love to discuss it in the comments:
FiveFoldMinistry

It is necessarily lengthy... but offers the context of my beliefs on leadership and the 5 fold ministry - at least the start of it.

I could talk about beautiful things forever... YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Every single one of us holds the most beauty somewhere inside of us. Sometimes we just need someone to show us.

I'm hurt this morning. Not terribly, but I can tell I'm a little stuck in some painful thoughts and it could get worse if I don't recognize that in this season of my life, I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm beautiful no matter who sees it or wants to be a part of my beauty.

It's a hurtful realization when friends no longer consider you... when they fail to recognize you are beautiful because now you are a little different than you were before. Maybe I failed them first, maybe I was the one who didn't want to be a part of them before they excluded me. I think I may have to admit, in my heart, that could be true. It has been a difficult year for relationships in my life. I have learned much, but I still need a few band-aids and a few more talks with God.

BTW - I did nail my GED. I went in to 'study' for it and aced all the pretests... so the next weekend I took it and only missed 3 questions total... I got perfect scores in a couple of the subjects. I know its just the Good Enough Diploma, but some people really struggle to study for that thing... I'm not ignorant, I was never taught the value of education. I had to learn that on my own as an adult after I missed out of my high school career.

Oh and, why the heck do I sometimes open one eye before the other? HAHA... oh my, these vlogs are revealing! lol

It's time for me to get back to the grind. Time to focus in and get some of these questions answered as well as some open ended things I was studying but put to the side for a bit.

@jmallory has got me in deep thought with his recent blog about authority in the church. I think it was originally my question, it has just been a while since I thought about it myself.

Anyhow. I'm on a mission to finally finish 'Reimaging the Church'. After reading Pagan Christianity it seems I've just undone all I know, swam around in the sea of questions and its about time for some clarity on the vision of the Body of Christ.

I am remembering what it felt like a little more than a year ago... before the shift in my theology. I had so many answers, I was so sure, so steadfast... there was nothing that could shake my faith, my theology, doctrine or denominational allegiance. I've always been inquisitive and somewhere along the way I reached the end of the answers I was looking for in my denomination. It wasn't all at once, but seemed to be... things just weren't lining up for me anymore. Biblically,  I could not defend some of the things I had once sworn by and taught as truth myself.

Well, I no longer have all the answers, I stopped feeling like my direct line to perfect truth was in tact and started actually carrying on as a human being, flawed and in need. Humility is what I like to call it. At first this place was terrifying. I had lost all that was secure and for sure, except my Christ... my Salvation. I remember mourning the loss of what once was, and even still do from time to time, but internally... so much has changed that is so good I never ever want to go back.

While all that I believe is very vague here (as if I could actually write it all?)... it's safe to say I'm very secure in my questions... in this season. I'm at a unique place and I'm sucking out all the good I possibly can as I continue to prepare my heart for revolution... big changes and possibly reformation larger than I can even see right now.

As a believer, you might be reading this and think I've lost my mind... lost my way. I can assure you I haven't lost either. I've always known that my calling was going to be challenging, lonely even...

This is where I always remember Joan of Arc - "I am not afraid, I was born for this." - this will be part of a tattoo at some point in my life since its been in my heart since I was very young =]