Hey I totally forgot to upload this video from Christmas. My babies wanted to wish Xanga a Merry Christmas. This is Jacs and Levi with mommy =]

worked so hard
focused and pressed through
progress was made
then in a moment
undone
why?
I wish i understood
why I,
I am always the disappointment
"you let me down"
really, how?
I'm not superhuman

I'm remembering him. I'm remembering me, the way I felt in his presence, the way I wanted to know him better than anyone ever had. It was as if I missed too many moments already and I just had to catch up. Twenty questions turned into hundreds over the phone. Glorious conversations that never found easy endings.

I will never forget the night we confessed our feelings. I laid on the bottom bunk bed in the one and only room me and my 3 other siblings shared...right around the time land lines were starting to die. I kept putting my feet against the two by fours that held the top mattress and lifting it up when I finally just opened the can of worms:

"I want to tell you something."
"I want to tell you something too, do you think its the same thing?"
"You go first... but I think its the same thing."
"Probably, but if it's not you go ahead..."
"No I want you to say it first."
"Fine, I love you."

My heart fluttered... it did not matter that it was over the phone and I could not see his eyes. I knew how they looked, I knew him well in such a short time. This was the only time someone had said this to me and it meant more than 'you're family' or 'I think you're cool'. I was in love and it was obvious to everyone around.

You know that look in people's eyes when no one has their attention like their lover? My younger sister would say, "I want someone to look at me like Johnny looks at you." I remember those strong desires to show him to everyone. I was excited to introduce the love of my life. I framed him with honor and passion. Everyone would love him like I did, how could they not?

He let me into his world, into his guarded heart. I often think it was less his choice and more mine. I was coming in whether he invited me or not. I'm that kind of person. My mind was made up and my target was lined up. Johnny was mine.

Our very first conversation, in pastor Ron's office, he said, "you're like seeping in, it's like you turned into slime and just went through the cracks." (There was a movie reference, but my memory is failing me nine years later.) This statement was so true to us, to my character and his. I wonder sometimes, had it not been for my bold personality, would Johnny have found a quiet love, or would he have continued to guard himself? Doesn't matter. There was no stopping me.

It was easy to love him. I found it easy to love most. He, though, he was special. There is magic in his eyes. I don't know if love put it there, but either way, it was unique - he was unique. Physically, I was told, he's not your type. Oh really, I would wonder, and how do you know what my eyes like? He's perfect. Huge green eyes and lashes that went on to the sky. They were inviting, but how could they not be? He too was smitten by me and could not let go of my pull. There was no escaping the magnitude of the love I had to give. He knew loving me would be worth the trouble.

It's the last day of 2012 and I have nothing intriguing to add. I have no final thoughts, no resolutions to make... I just feel like its another day. I mean, to me, it is. I think it was just last year I thought, resolutions are not for me. I live everyday and focus on being better in each moment. Why wait until the new year to 'start fresh'? Not this girl. I set goals all through the year depending on where I am in life and what needs change. I love change. Oh how I love change. Bring on the changes this year - whatever they may be, I'm always ready to roll with the punches!

I am thankful to get out with my husband this evening and spend some time together. Most days I just swallow hard and push through... I focus on him, my beautiful children and we make it work. Tonight I hope there is a little magic in the air. I pray for joy, fun, romance and that all those things bring healing in the right places.

The babies are going to Nana and Papa's tonight... we always get a little nervous for the overnighters, but they really do bring us rest and time to reflect. We both could use a little extra room to breath. Hoping we don't worry too much and are able to let loose a little. =]

There is something about a man that shows his woman off. If he frames her to the world as beautiful, it accentuates things in her others may not have seen without his approval and view. It reminds me of ball room dancing... the man is there to capture the woman's beauty and display it to the world as he brings out the best in her. When I see a couple and the man clearly adores his wife, she instantly becomes more appealing, deeply interesting and valuable. Husbands, adore your wives publicly - its a treasure to them and world.

The time has come where I feel like if I don't write out these feelings... I may just explode.

I vlogged about a break down over the weekend, but decided no one wants to hear all that on Christmas and didn't post. And now... here I go vomiting it all the day after Christmas.

I hope you guys respect me still after hearing my most inner thoughts and fears. I do blog it for validation, growth and hope... I share because it helps me, but I don't want anyone thinking badly of me because my marriage is struggling. I don't like that people may think I'm weak or uncommitted, I haven't left and just because I write through it and discuss it does not mean I'm going to. I get the vibe sometimes that I'm being dramatic or just being difficult when I should suck it up. Maybe that's because I feel that way too sometimes when I take a step back - either way, this is me... this is me being me. All my thoughts, the hopeful and fearful - the good and the bad... if I only express those things that are good and acceptable, how will I expose the things that need to be fixed, healed?

Anyway...

I was thinking of why I'm feeling so out of place here... with my husband. I'm wrestling... I'm fighting myself, my selfishness... my desires. I'm trying so hard to find out what his are and help him to be happy. I think when I realized that I was not going to be able to do that is when I started just doing me. I stopped giving him the best of me because he kept rejecting who that was... at least that is how it feels. That is my interpretation of the criticism.
In my opinion, the best me is fun, spontaneous - full of life and adventure - driven by passion and zest for life. In his opinion, the best me is one reserved, motivated by tasks... quiet and obedient to a normal easy way of life. A me I cannot manage to be consistently.
I admit, I'm not very organized, I am easily distracted and then obviously forgetful. I can see how those are difficult things to accept and love when you are the opposite.

So, I noticed... I have at least one wall up. It must have started forming when I realized that the me I am is not accepted, cherished or needed. I must has constructed it this last 6 months in other to learn to be alone or something. I'm not entirely sure... all I know is that my heart is very resentful and reserved. I give him what I think he needs of me and the rest I don't offer because what is the point? When I tried this weekend, it was so obvious that I'm unable to expose my heart, that somehow the girl who is all about vulnerability being the bridge to relationship and love being the answer to life, can't offer this to her own husband...

What am I protecting myself from... what is it that makes me feel so unsafe here... with him. I stay because I know its the right thing, but my heart is not here. I am fighting to bring it back, but I can't answer the questions, he can't answer the questions... something happened and I don't know what it will take to fix it.

I don't feel safe. A roof, money... constancy... those sound life safe things, right? Well, not for me. For me being safe means I offer the best of me and its accepted. I offer all of my heart, and I'm loved. Safety is not physical for me... its not even commitment to me. Not necessarily anyway. Sure those things are wonderful, but they mean nothing if life is dead. I need change, I need experience... movement. There is just something about me that cannot rest tonight... this week... the last 6 months... I cannot rest in the hope of my marriage. Its a very steady worry. I am afraid. Is it a tragedy that one gives themselves selflessly to another regardless of reciprocation? I could give myself to him... and I will continue to. I just cannot understand what is going wrong...

This is very rough... the kids started acting up and Johnny can't seem to manage so my thoughts got jumbled. Forgive me... I still needed to put the mess out there even if it didn't come out right... maybe a rewrite will be needed or a reflection on this tomorrow.

I'll love my way through this...

As always, Love fearlessly =]

I often miss the high of falling love
It only happened to me once
he wonders why I like to reminisce
but he's the one and only to show me this
I can't forget what it felt like
the moment we first kissed
the sound of his voice on the phone
hours and hours taking time to know
to hear him, to love him
it was magic
sometimes its the memories that start it
they remind me what a gift it is
to know and love like this
I can't let the drive go
the desire to relive the bliss
we recreate it when things go wrong
struggling to find the feelings
the fire often fades, passion suffers the mundane
with the weight of life and the course of the day
we've got to survive reminiscing the beauty
of our lives,
the chaos and the triumph
the madness and the cause
all produce the masterpiece that is us

I don't want to write this, but I do. I think I need to.

I love God, my God... the one who has been with me from my very first memory. He called me to Christ, lead me to the way of salvation and has been my constant.

The church was a great, grand place where I was free to be me, spiritually. I could sing, dance and participate, as well as lead, services of worship to Him. Suddenly, I discovered some things...

The church I know rejects the idea of love in place of righteous judgement and justice. And that is just the 'idea' of love... what really hurts is when you are full of love and they reject that actual thing thinking you are too soft, vulnerable and naive about the evil in the hearts of man. They do not know the power of love. God is love. Their God is judgement and love is only for those who are righteous. Or something like that.

This is not where I was going, but I will let it ride out and see what I end up with.

I'm starting to become fearful of where I am. Perfect love casts out all fear, so why I am afraid? Should this raise concern and lead me in a different direction? For the record, I don't believe there is a plan B in God's will... I believe that as long as I love Him and am in relationship with Him - I am in His will and all that comes - good and evil, are meant to teach me and mold me.

I'm disconnected from a community of believers, mostly because I can't find anyone who believes similarly. I will still attend local church, but its not the same as being with like minded people. I'm always feeling disconnected in conversation. I wonder if I'm allowed to speak the truths I see, or if I will be shunned. I'm pretty fearless about being me, but I still don't want to offend people and am aware when someone is not ready to hear what is on my heart.

This is one reason I need you, I need this sight. I need to be able to wrestle through the questions local church communities shun people for. Certainly I take them to God. Oh how He knows my heart!!!

I think it comes down to: What is next?

I know that I have grown in love in such a way that I could not trade this difficult time for anything else in the world. Nothing will ever be worth the revelation of love I've walked in this year, and what lead me to it even though it was painful. I can feel myself coming to the end of this discovery though, there are depths to be delved into, yes... but there is something else to embark on for now.

My faith. I trust my Savior to carry me through. I trust Him. I need Him. Faith is tricky right now though in the other areas of Christianity. I just do not see the world like I used to. I feel very alone. I feel like it's me against the world. Love against hate. Wisdom against folly. Truth against lies. But why, why do I feel so burdened alone?

Sometimes I think that what I have to offer the world is so unique, so different, I have to experience this alone. Like I'm training for something that is out of the box... Revolutionary. I have always had this desire, this thing inside me that says "You can change the world." I hope not to disappoint that drive, that passion to offer something valuable that will revolutionize the Bride and then..... the world.

Just as the Holy Spirit as lead me here, He will lead me again.