I challenge you next time you think someone is ignorant, foolish or just plain naive, recognize that you too have many areas to grow - you too are not whole in every area with an unlimited perspective. I challenge you, next time you know that you know something and someone doesn't agree or see the truth you have revealed... maybe try and find out why, where they are coming from and maybe you might learn that you just may have missed something too.

Tonight, as I stand at the kitchen sink scrubbing the endless dishes that had piled up throughout the day, I was sobbing uncontrollably. The mother of the 2 children I watch 3 days a week had just picked them up. Right before she had got home the kids got into my make-up bag as I attempted to start the dishes I was avoiding all day. I instantly broke down. I got angry, I yelled at poor sweet kids for being kids. I tried to clean them all up as they were covered in my Maybelle cover-stick and CoverGirl mineral powder. I was trying to have the house decent before she came, have the kids decent have everything in order as to not look like I can't handle watching 4 children. I usually do okay pulling it together before she, and then shorty after, my husband get here. Today was the day I had tears in my eyes and it was obvious the demands of 2 children under 2 and a 4 year old were overwhelming me.

As my husband walked in, he could hear my crying at the sink. I could tell he felt badly for me. He just does not understand how horrible I feel trying to keep things in order, trying to feed everyone, keep everyone clean, find activities to keep them stimulated and from mischief. It is no easy task. I feel guilty that I do not enjoy my own children amongst the chaos of having 2 extra ones 3 days a week. I just pray that I survive the day. I only wanted to help someone who had no one, but I think I have to face the music and let go of my ambitious efforts to help make her life easier. I actually used to go to her house so she would not have to take the kids out. After 3 months, I finally caved and got the courage to tell her I was no longer going to be able to watch them in their own home because my home was suffering. I had no time to clean or make dinner. She was actually angry with me, though she never asked me to come there, I offered in the first place thinking it would be easier for her. I guess she got too used to the convenience of not having to even dress her own children or brush their hair. Still the same she brings them over straight out of bed. I understand though, she is a single working mother. I can't imagine the stress.

So, I'm trying to breath, relax a little and forget the fast paced chaos I endure during the week. I want to enjoy my family and embrace them. Especially in light of the tragedy our country faced today. My heart is extra heavy for the families in Connecticut who have endured such pain. For the children who's lives were ended too early, the parents, family members of every kind... for the children who saw such evil. Oh how my heart breaks... how the pain is clouding my mind. To think of the fear that this causes in the hearts of Americans. Parents who will want to protect and worry about their childrens' safety in the places they cannot be with them continually. I can only let out tears of concern, worry and fear myself hoping that the victims find peace.

I'd like to write about something fresh, valuable... controversial even. But, my personal life has my studies on lock down. Nothing seems of interest and I'm just keeping my head up for the kiddos.

I guess if I wrote about anything it might be an unload about people. I love people. So let me cushion this by stating that again - I love people.

What gets me? When people refuse to put themselves in another's shoes. When we think we know someone's motives and judge their heart. It's the saddest thing I see. People cutting each other off, burning bridges, putting up walls.

We can learn from each other if we stop thinking we were the best thing in the world and everyone else should just praise our awesomeness.

I happen to really really like myself, I love who I am, where I'm going etc. BUT, I don't think anyone else is below me... I want everyone to like and love themselves. I'm tired of the cocky-self-made arrogance that radiates off of us sometimes.

We all have room to grow. And that person you just pushed away, they could have helped even if it was just the sheer opportunity to learn to compromise with someone who does not think like you or to tolerate a person who actually could have learned something from you. That is, if you cared enough.

I know I know... love love love - everyone deserves love. Well, that is just me. People matter. Don't take people out with your trash.

Do you want to hear about my day today? Well, I'm going to lay it all out for you anyway.

I got to sleep until 8 something (best part, 8 hours, YAY).... its all downhill from here.

Yesterday, I noticed my BRAND NEW, only owned for ONE day phone was missing. Hmmm, I was sure I'd find it under the couch or something. Emailed my hubby to call it, no ring. Hmm, probably on silent if one of the 4 kids got a hold of it. Oh well, it'll pop up somewhere, right?

I looked everywhere I can possibly think of. EVERYWHERE.

While I was emptying out the FULL garbage and getting old coffee grounds and all sorts of nasty all over myself, my precious sons were taking advantage of my inability to oversee their little adventure of pouring my brand new 'blonde' shampoo all over my creme carpet in my bedroom. Do you know what color that blonde toner shampoo is? ITS BRIGHT PURPLE. I cannot get it out.

Jacson also decided to strip off his poopy diaper. while I was cleaning up that mess and being distracted by other stressful things, he peep on the floor, on one of my bible translations =[ *sigh*.

I stepped in dog puke and had to clean up 3 piles of nasty, runny dog poop first thing this morning.

I am not sure why the world is against me and my sanity today, but its overwhelmingly saddening. I can feel my head thumping from the onset of a migraine. Its my day off from watching the other 2 kids. But, I can't enjoy a single moment. Okay, there was that moment both the boys climbed in my lap and told me they love me sooooo much and not to cry. They are too precious.

I am also missing my keys. I have no idea where they are, luckily I have a spare, but if I leave I can't lock the door without my house keys.

I just can't imagine where this darn phone is. (I'm restraining from using stronger language.) I have look in every nook and cranny... I even found, what appears to be a month old hotdog (I'd post a pic, but I don't have a phone.)

I had my couch all taken apart, pulled out the boys trundle bunk bed and crawled underneath. Took everything out of the closet. I'd checked every pocket of every bag and any compartment I could find. I looked high, in case it got thrown, and I looked low. I am just so frustrated trying to find something that HAS to be in the house somewhere. No one left from the time I had it to the time it went missing.

There is ONE and only one place I have yet to check. Its the hole in the wall behind my bedroom door from the door knob. I've seen my kids drop toys in there before, and it's just the right size... I'm so tempted. Either way the hole needs to be fixed, whats another hole at the bottom of the wall?

So, how's your day?

So, I couldn't resist and cut a hole in the bottom of the wall. GOSH I wish I had a camera. I found almost ALL of my missing jewelry, johnny's wedding ring that we already replaced, cars, action figures, 10 dollars worth of coins, balls, a cookie... It felt like I would be pulling stuff out of the wall endlessly... 15 minutes later, empty wall and still no phone.

I love tattoos. I think they are sexy, revealing and beautiful. I'm not super interested in the judgmental attitudes about people with tattoos, so you can leave that input out.

Here is my first tattoo. Done at L.A. Ink, yeah Kat's shop... I got to see her doing a tattoo the day before when I 'spontaneously' walked in to see if I could get something done there. It was expensive, but an adventure I will NEVER forget =] (september 2007)

My artists name was Jeff =] They have a T.V. and a shop crew.

my last name

 

There is a very special piece I've been concocting in my head for quite some time. Although, the pictures I have found are not quite right... so I will have to really trust my artist to see my vision. I want a rose, as a rose embodies beauty, and passionate love. As my birth flower, I think it represents me well. I'm not certain the color I want - traditional red, white, pink? I'm sure of all the other details though. I want the flower to be in full bloom - open. This illustrates my character, my openness... desire to know and be known. The part that requires I have a fantastic artist is, the fire. Fire signifies passion... a passion that is likely uncontainable. The rose must be aflame sustaining the fire without any destruction.

I have even considered the rose actually being fire... but I'm not sure if that is as suitable.

I know a lot of people have an issue with me wanting it on my neck, it would only be my second tattoo, but a girl wants what a girl wants. (All you need to know is that Johnny gave me permission - finally.)

At the moment I feel selfish.

I'm not sure how else to say it. Round and round and round... I'm just going to have to embrace what I have.

no matter the way things look
love abides
lets teach each other how to see the other side
I'll be your eyes and you'll be mine
transcending the boundaries and blurring the lines
of whats hers and his
sometimes all you need is time
time to reflect, respect and appreciate all that's fine
trying to put to bed the mess
and making the best of the rest

working so hard for you
trying to be something I'm not
without loosing what I am
and still, somehow, it will never measure up
I'll hold tight and hang on
but I can't promise not to lose myself
if only I heard these words from you
where it was evident
we were both refusing to relent
somehow though, I'm weaker today
fighting the urge to throw it away
it bothers you, I know
but the weight of your world
these shoulders struggle to hold
if you were made for me and I for you
why the mountains of misunderstanding?
hearts collide
anger befalls me
wisdom escapes me
and you confound me

Instead of the rain
sometimes i wish you were the sunshine in my day instead of the rain
the way you come and damper the mood
i suppose flowers don't grow with sunshine alone
still the same, can't the rainy days stay at bay
at least for the seasons time
i suppose then you are just the snow
sleet and ice that makes driving not so nice
navigating complicated paths
walking on eggshells so that nothing cracks
you know i appreciate conflict
as it shows us who we are deep inside
beyond our limited views, confrontation forces contemplation
makes you think, sometimes makes you weak
all the same can produce the flowers you hope could grow without the rain