December 12, 2012
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At the moment I feel selfish.
I’m not sure how else to say it. Round and round and round… I’m just going to have to embrace what I have.
no matter the way things look
love abides
lets teach each other how to see the other side
I’ll be your eyes and you’ll be mine
transcending the boundaries and blurring the lines
of whats hers and his
sometimes all you need is time
time to reflect, respect and appreciate all that’s fine
trying to put to bed the mess
and making the best of the rest
Comments (6)
I’ve been interested in the word selfish in recent years. I’ve felt that its use is many times confusing. The common definition of selfish is “seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others”
As I say a lot
feeling my feelings is important to self discovery. I may choose to seek my own desires/pleasures/needs, even when I discern that its not what the other wants. Is that selfish? I’ve also learned in recent years that its not helpful to relationship to make my own choices based on what I discern another to want. I’m finding more life by feeling my feelings, pursuing my own desires and making my choices known to others and give them the responsibility to feel their own feelings and respond accordingly.
I’m just kicking around ideas here, but I don’t think that common definition of selfish is aligned with Biblical intent…or offers true life. I’ve discovered that by pursuing my desires in relationship with another and willingly wait for the other to respond, and then engage, that I discover more of myself…and so does the other. Its challenging, b/c I’m risking conflict and my past life experience says that conflict is bad, but more recent experience says its necessary to intimate relationship.
The ancient Greek word eritheia is the word translated in the NIV as ‘selfish ambition,’ but actually means: fractiousness, electioneering, or ‘intriguing for office.’ I interpret that to mean in my own words as ‘overselling’ my ideas. So if I offer up my own desires and wait that’s not selfish, but if I create a case and sell it and re-sell it, and sell it again to the other without hearing their response (sound familiar, post-election) than that’s selfish. So it seems important I feel my feelings, communicate my needs/desires, then offer space for the other to respond. It may result in conflict as I honor myself and my ideas AND listen, yes, and explore, the others needs/desires.
I’ve been amazed at how that results in what my friend Mark and I have called the 3rd way. Not his way, nor my way, but a newly discovered way that could only be revealed by the pushing and pulling of our individual ideas.
Sorry to ramble, I’m suddenly realizing that I’m in relationship with someone who is being selfish…this gives me language for it. And I don’t say that to judge, but merely acknowledge what is going on and it further helps me to recognize the motivation for his choices…and that is fear. Interesting…thanks, as usual!
@god_stories - I think that is why fear is the opposite of love, it causes us to react selfishly. I think, even though i love so deeply, I still have areas of fear where love has not transformed and I’m sure that is true in my marriage. As I’ve address, I’m fearful i’ll never have permission to fulfill my desires, dreams all within the context of my current marriage structure.
Mostly, loving myself, exploring myself, meeting my needs, does not feel selfish. It feels healthy. I’m sure there is way to be selfish about it. But for me, it feels necessary to ‘offer’ myself to someone else.
What I wonder though is if I’m returning selfish acts with selfish acts. For instance, if his inability to pay attention to my needs and address them is leading me to take focus off of his needs and care for my neglected self.
I just know that love is not self seeking… and this is where I wonder what that is exactly. I mean, shouldn’t I be willing to sacrifice all I am for another, even my very existence? No greater love hath a man than to lay down his life for another… To me, that is not just a physical death, but could be also the life you live as you lead it.
When it comes marriage, I wonder what God would have me to do when I’m feeling neglected, go ahead and mix and mingle and freely meet my need for people and be healthy, or stay home alone cooking, cleaning and just being here in the silence with my spouse daydreaming of the freedom I talk about here. I’d have to say I’m leaning towards just putting up with it so that I don’t have to see another in pain because I’d prefer my pain to his.
@god_stories - btw, I too have been really really focused and interested in the word selfish lately… hmmm
@xXrEMmUsXx - yes, simpatico
I’m realizing that boundaries might be helpful when thinking about selfishness. As I explore who I am in relationship with another by speaking out my needs/desires and wait and listen to their needs/desires we both need someway to navigate…and it seems to me boundaries can be helpful.
As you describe that scenario, you’re wanting one thing and your husband wants another…boundaries might be helpful way to navigate. It seems its not really that you only want to merely go out, but you really want to do it together with your husband, but you don’t have control over your husbands needs/desires. So given he doesn’t want to go, you really want two things: to go (with him) and not go (without him). If you stop there in your self-assessment then your husband will have control over your choices.
Boundaries seem a way to offer yourself options. Perhaps you might establish a boundary to go out 2 night a week…regardless of his desire/needs…and allow him space to respond. Boundaries are made in quiet time before a decision needs to be made. I’ve been hyper focused on boundaries, but now just recognizing they may be helpful when exploring my own needs vs another when we have different motivations or emotional response.
@god_stories - can you give more examples of boundaries, I don’t know if its quite making sense to me…
@xXrEMmUsXx - so right on, sister, fear is what keeps me from life…and perfect love casts out fear. So what keeps me from living the life I hope to live…fear…my own and the fear in others around me. Fear tempts me and others to self-protect or self-promote, which causes pain. Pursuing my desires leads to life for me and others around me.
When Christ says be as little children I think about my daughter. I remember asking her one day when she was a little girl what she wanted to do that day. She acted totally surprised and said I don’t know. She was totally open to whatever the day was going to bring her…without self protecting or self-promoting her own plans.
Boundaries are what help keep me safe. Based on my experiences of past pain, I can be intentional and aware of my own choices. What am willing to offer to others and what I’m willing to endure. For example, I can be aware of someone ‘pulling’ me to say or do something, like ‘oh, this old rag, I just threw it on.’ Of course, they are pulling me to say, ‘oh no, you look lovely in that beautiful dress.’ That’s a silly example, and you can imagine lots of way others: pull, manipulation, demands, invitations, threats to get you to say or do something that the other wants.
Without boundaries and awareness of one’s own power to make free choice, I may be tempted to offer the other what they want. I may even be tempted to think not offering it to them is selfish, but its not. Its not helpful to the relationship or myself to put myself at risk for bitterness and resentment. Only when I recognize transgressed boundaries and my own free choice can I have peace within myself and in relationship with another.
Does that make sense? One more example. I asked a woman out 4 times over 2 years. The last time I asked she said something like you really want me to say yes to going on a date. I told her that I wanted her to feel her feelings and give me an honest answer. I told her I did my part, which was to feel my feelings and I was doing exactly what I wanted to do by asking her out and I wanted her to do the same. I was telling her to honor her boundaries and be aware of her own free choice.