Yesterday sucked.

Saturday I was in school all day... I came home to my husbands first attempt at making dinner. It was pretty good too! There were flowers and a card on the table from he and the boys. I got choked up and the evening was filled with Johnny being sweet and getting up to do things for himself and the boys. Usually, at least it seems, it will just hint at me or tell me to do something for him and the kids. It is kind of irritating. Most men call women nags, but Johnny is certainly a nag.

I was so excited to wake up Sunday morning and go visit our old church! My nephew had his dedication there. I was really hoping the Lord had something special for me...

Nah, all I got was a pissy attitude from my husband. Why? I'm not exactly sure but I really did try to figure it out.

We ended up in the hallway talking with friends during the service. That was basically what the band would do after worship... so when Johnny saw his brother and best friend exit... so did he. Well the kids wanted to go see dad so I took them out there hoping to leave them and return to service since Johnny wasn't interested and I, as usual, was but never actually get to sit in service. Levi was clingy so I couldn't return. Johnny says we should just go... but I hadn't got to talk to anyone yet and that is the best part of church! FELLOWSHIP. So I get a little snippy because he;s wanted to leave since we got there. He won't go get my purse though and I don't want to be stopped at the door asking where I'm going since I'm never there and people miss me. 

So after our little sarcastic bout in the hallway I just head to the car because now I'm just so upset that he is rushing me and nothing is going well. He finally comes out and some people find me in the car and greet me. Then we leave... I'm trying not to say anything but I'm just not understanding what his problem is. Then he says I just don't get him. He said that he knew I wanted to talk to people but I should have respected that he didn't. WHAT? Why? Why couldn't you respect that talking to people was important to me? Especially on mother's day... especially after a year of not visiting?

Now I'm pretty pissed off at his selfishness. It is time to go to his moms. We can't afford to go out to eat with my parents. I felt bad but figured I'd meet up with my mom later on. Johnny tells the boys we are dropping off mommy at home and grabbing Grammy's flowers first. WHAT? We are not dropping off mommy... you jerk! Mommy may be pissed but she is not leaving her kids and sitting home alone. Granted every mom wants some time alone, but goodness gracious... can someone ask me what I want today? By now I'm piping hot. I'm grateful for saturday evening, but Johnny's temperament has me so confused and frustrated. I tell him I'm going to his moms. And he says not angry like that because then his family will be more mad at me. WELL THEN HELP ME GET OVER THIS! Gosh darn it... do you even give two shits about me today? What the hell did I do wrong anyway???

We get to his moms he takes the kids in and I'm drying my tears in the car... I decide I will just go alone out to eat with my parents if he's going to give me the cold shoulder. At least then I won;t feel bad for not spending time with her... even though I wanted to take my kids, they really really wanted to go to Grammy's. So I play the hand I'm dealt for the day.

We all get home a couple hours later. Johnny is still in dick mode. I finally crack the code slightly. Apparently he thinks I wanted to talk to my ex boyfriends family because they were there. WHAT? Umm they are family friends, but there were literally 2 dozen people I could list off that I wanted to hug and they were not top of the listers. I love them, but ever since the guy told me I should have been his daughter in law... I've kept my distance for Johnny's sake and just because it made things uncomfortable.

To top it off I assured Johnny I wasn't interested in talking it up with them, and he thinks I'm lying. I have no idea why either. 

Oh and then he FB's that mother's day should be about moms and kids and fathers should get to go do whatever they want alone. ASSHOLE!

We just got home from an explosive 'after counseling' argument that got way out of hand.

Johnny said things like...

"This is too much work."

"You have too many needs."

"You're the one with all the problems."

"You're a constant reminder that I'm failing. You know I hate to fail."

Ok. So, I really haven't been able to think through things. I know I wanted to write immediately after the conversation, but I had to put the kiddos to bed and Johnny fell asleep during that time. I had time to think and all... but the reality of it just kind of faded as my headache and nausea increased. I just wanted to run... to go out in the pitch black and run until I collapsed.

The counselors brought up the 'dog' issue. And Johnny basically shut down.

I could tell he was upset, but there was no forcing him. He got real honest in the car though and things went bad FAST.

So fast that he is basically done, at least that is what he is saying right now.

I know things are stressful right now. Money just got crazy tight and now we are behind on our mortgage with credit cards maxed out. I'm about to start school Monday. Things are looking really hard and strenuous. Maybe he is just having a hard time - BUT... that is what counseling is for. So my issue is that he was dead silent through all of it, but then just lost it in the car when I asked him what was wrong. He was mad that I was honest about how the dog pees in the house. Apparently that made us sound 'dirty'. Look, I dont' sugar coat very well... and I'm PISSED that my house gets PISSED in. The dog fight is long running and he never takes my concerns seriously. I take his seriously though, otherwise I would have gotten rid of the dog already. (I'm not sure if I've blogged about the dog fights before.)

The counselors brought up the dog because I got a little heated about it when it came up for a second in the last session and it was clear that it's a problem for me. They basically just told us we need to work together to get the dog trained so everyone can be happy and we can have a happy dog that everyone can handle. But Johnny doesn't want to train the dog he just wants me to deal with it. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being bit, I'm tired of cleaning pee off my couch that was so nice. The floor is shot from him... sure, our house is still cute, but it's just damaged now. Sure I clean it, but it's still taken a beating and it's a constant problem and hassle to clean. All because Johnny wants an animal that he doesn't want to have to take the time to play with or train properly. I'm willing to do the work, but he says he is giving 100% and has nothing left to give.

I'm just confused. I don't know why we are trying to adjust and meet each others' needs if he thinks we are already giving all we have...

My eyes are hurting... my jaw is hurting from clenching it for the last 5 hours.

And I'm emotionally drained because we touched on the topic of Johnny's mom and my relationship falling apart... I'm not ready for that session next week. 

I swear Johnny was so checked-out that I'd be surprised if he even heard that part. 

I knew something was wrong. I knew I should have called him out in the session... It was just that neither one of us talked much. The counselors shared a lot this week and we kind of listened more I guess.

I just wish he would stop thinking I'm the only one who has problems. He thinks that me addressing things is so frustrating... I don't understand. I'm 'dealing' with it when I address it. His idea of dealing si 'forgetting' just 'getting over it'. I cannot, and will not operate that way. He has a lot going on inside that he just doesn't talk about. I'm his wife. I know what his fears are, what pains him... I'm well aware of the things he hides in his heart... at least as aware as I can be without him talking about them. I have to read between the lines. BUT GOSH I WISH HE'D JUST SUCK UP HIS PRIDE AND SPIT IT OUT AT THE SESSIONS! If he doesn't start getting honest with himself, me and the counselors.. of course it's going to look like i'm the only one who has problems or is addressing anything. I think it is clear that I'm not a perfect wife, so please... just say what you're thinking man!!!

ok... that's all I have right now. Time for bed.