I miss Xanga. Like bad.

I still haven't moved on. I'm writing about other things... but there just was no place like the personal space I had here.

Anyone find anything community based?

This is actually my first post in Xanga 2.0. I've been around though... reading here and there.

I like the set-up. I just miss the people. It's certainly not the same on FB. I liked that Xanga wasn't invasive like Facebook. You could just get it all out at once, and then people could respond. You could do this everyday and know someone would read and respond to your thoughts. On Facebook, you get to post a bunch of little thoughts. There is a lot interaction - sure... but I miss my community here. I miss it a lot. Especially right now.

There are a lot of things going really well for me. I finish the Chicago Marathon It was amazing. Life is pretty good. My family time is limited and I wish I could finish school sooner, but the rest is all kind of falling in place decently. Lots to work on financially still and the Mill job still hasn't placed Johnny yet. They have slowed down and no one we know on the list has gotten in that are ahead of Johnny - so its safe to say its going to be a while still.

My boys will be 3 and 4 this year. They are very rambunctious little guys and giving me a run for my sanity! I need to pad the walls in this house, because they are getting dinged, painted on.. smashed into. You name it, my boys have done it. This condo is just too small for us. We need a yard. SOON.

I'm already ready for the holidays. With my running going so well, I'm not ready for the cold this year. I will eagerly await spring when I can get back out on the pavement to run instead of the dreadmill at the gym. I've got another marathon to train for next year! A friend of mine qualified for Boston! Hoping to hear that he gets in for 2015. It would be a great trip to take to cheer him on and be a face in the crowd at the Boston Marathon!!!!!! High hopes

Well... just a little update I guess. Miss everyone.

So, I've never really considered myself a very sexual person. I've kept my flirting to just being sweet, but never saying anything that could be taken the wrong way. I suppose I've always had this sexual vibe about me... in a girl next door kind of way. I can tell when I'm wanted - for the most part. And I like to recognize that. It puts a pep in my step. Lately, the husband has been flirting with the girls in the office. I think it is absolutely adorable. I get plenty of attention from him, so I tell him to practice his game... everyone wants to know they are wanted. 

Our marriage has grown quite a bit through the difficulties this year has brought. I think we are more secure than we have ever been. The thought of him actually being with another woman, doesn't really scare me anymore. The jealousy has turned to admiration. He's a sexy man, very desirable. I'm glad he's finally learning that. 

You may be wondering where I'm going with this, but I just wanted to talk out some things... and since you've followed my marriage sage this far, I thought I'd share the joys of where we are now. How beautiful the security and trust is that we have. He is my one and only... I'm his. We are fulfilled in each other and that is magical! Just the idea of him giving his attention to someone else is kind of playfully arousing. I'm always the first and last woman on his mind. I know that. I can see that, feel that... hear that in his voice. He loves me deeper than anyone ever could. He knows me in ways only a lover can. I'm safe in his arms. My heart is taken care of.

Since we've kind of giggled over our flirting adventures lately... we've drawn closer. It sounds kind of odd, I know. But after 8 years of marriage, I think you wonder if you've still got it. We both do! And we take it out on each other and are having the best sex of our lives! So... i thought I'd share!

How far do you take online flirting? Do you feel guilty? Are you jealous when another person is clearly into your lover? (we never hide it, never delete messages, never pretend or lie about it.)

I'm feeling terribly insecure tonight. It's overwhelming me. It has been a while since I've felt like this... 

I completed and tested out of the first 16 weeks of workshop training for school. I start taking paying clients on Monday, Tuesday is booked and I've stirred a lot of interest. 

I should be excited... celebrating... feeling accomplished and ready for life!

But tonight I just feel deflated. There are so many wonderful people around me, cheering me on, lifting me up... but tonight... tonight it would take an army to get to me to see anything but my flaws. God I hope this feeling subsides by the morning. I really don't want to have too 'pull it together' all day. Johnny will be out tomorrow with his friend, so I need to put my big girl panties on and make the day special for my boys!

I want to be that girl who knows who she is

she looks in the mirror, unshakable... and says with a grin

"I'm beautiful, in every aspect, I'm strong and sure"

but today that girl is just a hope

she got lost somewhere between the perfect figure on the internet

and the dazzling personality of a friend

comparing... the game that leaves us lost

searching to be something that doesn't fit who we are

I know this

I've gained the wisdom to see

but, again, somewhere I got mixed up between what 'they' are and what I'd like to be.

Things have taken such an odd swing in my life... I'm not even sure I'm comfortable talking about it here. Trying to find some very open-minded friends to talk through this with - damn extroverted need to DISCUSS everything freaking thought I have! LOL

The Invitation
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

I'm feeling drained. The last couple of days I have been particularly negative. My husband has pointed out a few times that I'm complaining a lot.

I'm just tired. School is getting boring. Running is back on track, but the pressure of losing 4 weeks of marathon training due to an injury really got me down. It's only been a week since I started back up and the Chicago Marathon is just just 10 weeks away and I have yet to break passed 13.1 miles... I'm not even back up to a 10 mile run since my foot healed. 

When this ENFP is stressed out, I'm pretty useless. Somehow I'm managing to get to school and drink enough coffee in class to stay awake.

I'm missing friends. I'm missing social interactions, community... I'm feeling secluded and needy, but resistant to people at the same time.

This is one of those 'beside myself' moments where I can't quite pull it together. I'm not my best me right now.

I just want my bubbly, happy... eager disposition back please. 

I was so 'in love' with my husband this week. He's just so adorable. But I have to stay away from him for a while in order to appreciate him again. It's weird. but when he's stressed he's mean. When I'm stressed, he gets stressed and gets mean. So... we either both have to be content in life, or he's not happy. I generally pull him out of those rough places, but sometimes I feel like he just lets me drown here until I finally lose it.

It sucks too, because this isn't even a hormonal issue. 

I just need something... and I don't know what it is....

Overall, I'm happy.

I'm preparing for the challenges now that will come with integrating a new platform. There will be lots of complaining and anger during that process as well. Every time the company I worked for made changes, it was such a feather ruffler people would even threaten to quit... then a few weeks later we had already forgotten the way it used to be and were generally happy with the new adjustments that often offered a better way to do things. Sure we'd miss this or that, but overall, change can be a very very helpful thing. And when you are talking business... change will ALWAYS be necessary for growth... oh wait - that's not business, that's LIFE folks! =]

I know there is lots of drama stirring and accusations being made about the motivation behind decisions along the way, but I'm going to avoid those as much as possible and carry on.

I do feel like the musicians that kept playing while the Titanic sank... well sorta, but I did already find a different blog space if Xanga doesn't make it. But I want it to make it. I guess the difference is that Xanga is not my life, the people in it just enhanced my life. And I can play my music until the ship sinks because it's not the end of me, or you... or blogging. I'm still very very sad about it.

I'm sad to hear everyone talk about how horrible the xanga team is. I'm sad to see those who have invested so much financially in hopes of directing the ship to the next best thing... and seeing them keep on giving to try and make it work. The whole thing is a downer. 

I for one appreciated all that xanga was, and if it continues... I hope to find new things to appreciate. Until then though, I will keep on playing my music... why not?

People piss me off sometimes. If I'm not your cup of tea... move on. No one makes you come read me. I either interest you, or I don't. If I annoy you... sorry, stop wasting YOUR time commenting then and ignore me. 

I find my intensity powerful. I also know it can be overwhelming. I am full-aware that I'm not easy to handle when I'm at the height of passionate thoughts and ideas. I'm very aware of myself and my short-comings... some of them I accept for the trade-off of better things, and then some of them I genuinely work on making better. It's not necessary to tell someone you don't particularly care for them, its just not. I suppose there are times its prompted. I also suppose that fact that one comment lead me to write this blog proves why you just shouldn't return to my page <3 I'm cool with that.