you can see through my fake smile

you know that i’m staring off thinking of things too deep to express

you ask me, I share, but often its too much to grasp

I feel alone in those moments

I try to keep to myself

but you desire to know me

 

I like telling you the beautiful things I imagine

but often they are ugly and fearful thoughts

those are the moments I wished I could hide them from you

but you see through my fake smile

and you know that I’m staring off thinking of things too deep

 

I’ve always wanted you to know me well

I craved it, displaying all of my heart for you to see

I mostly do for anyone who wants to 

But, this time, this place in my life…

my deepest hearts thoughts are not toward you

 

It kills me, and frees me at the same time

when you ask me what is on my mind

openly I warn you that you might not want to know

I can already imagine the sting in your eyes

and the breaking of your heart

 

for this reason, I think I have allowed myself to be alone

I’m learning to not need you

dangerous, I know… I’m trying to reverse that thinking

I can see that you are lonely now

How did this happen….

 

So johnny and I had a decent conversation last night. It was slightly eye-opening. See, from the first year of our marriage I was focused on ‘us’… ‘our’ destiny… ‘our’ marriage… there was no ‘me’ or ‘you’. My desire for marriage was together, in unison… forever. I remember when we were dating how unique it felt to walk with the same stride… how beautiful it was that our hands clasped just right. He played the piano, I sang… we were a match made in heaven. He brought balance to my life and I brought excitement and courage to him. He resisted my attempts to mold us together as one person. I constantly heard phrases like, “We need to keep our space.” “you have your friends, and I’ll have mine.” “Music is my thing.”

That last one was the zinger. We were both in music ministry, but he was very critical of my voice. Its bringing some very strong emotions up as I remember this. I even lead worship in the youth for a little while and he was not supportive of me, nor would he accompany me unless I was desperate for a musician. The thing was, since we were dating we had talked about starting a band etc. I understand if I’m just not any good. I know I have my issues with tempo, I don’t sing harmony well and I like to play with the melody and do my own thing from time to time… not that any of that matters for what I’m trying to say here… but I just convinced myself I was only good enough for worship music because I could ‘follow the Spirit’… which, I am good at. I started singing on the main praise team and got very close to the worship leader. She really helped polish up my voice, but by then I was still just so beat up… and I knew Johnny wanted nothing to do with me in this area of his life. I was intruding (even though I was there before he was – LOL). Johnny still won’t play with sub-par musicians and his critical nature is very unattractive. 

He had crushed my dreams of youth ministry together. I thought for sure we were an unstoppable team. With my teaching abilities and his musical genius .. we’d surely rise up the most effective youth ministry in our state. We were under the same mentor and Johnny was his pride and joy… he invested so much time and energy into both of us.

Overtime, I held onto hopeful moments. God would share glimpses of visions to me and other church members about Johnny’s calling and ‘our’ ministry.

 

I think I realized last night that I just finally gave Johnny what he wanted. He realized it too.

 

 

He said, “I want to jump out of a plane with you now.” I was in shock…

 

“but you would be terrified? you always said we should just do our own things?”

“I know, and I was wrong. I was very very wrong.”

 

OK… woah, hold up. I’m confused. 

I was hit with a flood of emotions, questions… memories. 

Ah HA. We are getting somewhere!

 

You wanted separate lives, or so you thought. After 8 years of marriage, I finally just deal with the reality of what you think marriage is supposed to be… all while trying to at least hold on for everyone but being broken because marriage was nothing more than great sex, friendship and sharing expenses (all certainly a part of marriage). Eventually being separate in our endeavors leads to me looking outside our marriage to meet nearly every need I have. It finally hits you that I no longer need you to fulfill my basic emotional needs. Now I’m somewhere in my heart trying to include you again in my passions but am so fearful of your rejection that I don’t know how to anymore. I wanted your attention, your dreams to be my dreams… you didn’t want that. Now you want to have dreams with me, but I’m so used to dreaming alone…

 

Maybe, at least now… we have a starting point for our counseling session.

I’ve written a few status updates on facebook between yesterday and this morning that didn’t make the cut. Some were incredibly inclusive and full of love and compassion, the rest were angry and involved words like ‘punch’ ‘cyber-smack’ ‘yousuckyouchristianselfrichteousbigot’ and things of that nature. I’m still trying to control my emotions on the topic of sexual orientation.

You see, I have never known what it feels like to have feelings for the same sex. I’ve never thought I was in the wrong body or anything of the sort. I consider myself lucky… but only as far as society is concerned and the ease of my desires for men being totally and completely acceptable. I’ve even witnessed the pressure single-straight Christians face to marry. I just don’t know why people think it is their business. If something is right or wrong, introduce them to LOVE and love will cover every aspect of their life. (God is love) It’s not something you change in people, nor should you with your limited view ever try. It’s bigger then this stupid war of us against them or them against the ‘norm’ or however you want to say it. God is bigger than all of that, so what are you threatened by? If you ask me, you should be busy letting love change you and stop trying to change something you have never known and can’t even speak educated on. I don’t assume to understand something I’ve never experienced and neither should you. I’m not saying gay marriage is right. I’m not saying gay marriage is wrong. I’m saying let that desire to chose right and wrong for people melt away as you learn what unconditional love looks like. I’m saying it’s time that we stop trying to govern people by biblical standards that they don’t yet believe in and start governing people by LOVE. Love changes people, not laws. Law has always failed and will continue to. 

Maybe you know the feelings of choosing your sexual orientation and you can speak on the topic, but if you don’t… please stop offending people in God’s name, you’re really really not helping anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone asked me this on a blog reply…

It had me thinking quite a bit, honestly.

At first I curved my brow at it, like.. “what is that supposed to mean?”

and then… I giggled when I realized – UMM, YES. I AM ALWAYS intense.

I suppose I may have different degrees of intense… but when I looked up the word on dictionary.com and got a list of antonyms. I was quite pleased that I was the opposite of those boring words: 

calm, dull, low-key, mild, moderate

I also saw a meme on FB that made my heart smile:

This is NOT a problem of mine =]

It is always fun to see yourself through a strangers eyes…

Can you describe something about me? I’d love to try your eyes on for a minute =]

 

(thanks for the blog reply @celticroots, gave me something to think about.)

 

My husband is at his friend’s house tonight… and I’m grateful for his friendships. 

He came home a little irritated though and my family was here and things were messy because I was dying everyone’s hair. So, I got hear the ‘this needs to get done before tomorrow’ speech, apparently he didn’t see my to-do list on the computer, nor did he see what I had already done for the day. But… this is the norm. I’m sad that we are back to it. The regular days of hurried conversations are not my friend. 

So… I’ve been drowning myself in music (which really isn’t like me) and just wishing this sick feeling in my stomach would go away.

 

He doesn’t get it. The roses are still beautiful on the table, but I’m not enjoying them today. They are just a reminder that he already stopped trying.

i know, I know. give the guy some credit! right? I’m trying. I really am.

The counseling program contacted us and in a couple days we are supposed to be assigned a ‘care-couple’ to meet with. 

 

I guess I’m just sad. 

 

We have the day to ourselves tomorrow. My parents are taking the kids for the afternoon and the evening. We were both looking forward to it, it was his idea. He was really excited and talked about our time together all week. But, truthfully… i don’t want to go. It’s the day spent trying to find something we both enjoy that remind me so much of our differences.

I should be looking forward to him, to us… instead I just want to skip it and take the kids somewhere. 

I’m so tired too. I’m irritable, cold, frustrated and disappointed.

Really… he went to work… stopped at home to change… and in the 10 minutes he was here upset me so much that I don’t even want to be around him. I was glad he had plans that didn’t involve me.  

I was listening to my Indy radio on Pandora and I was blown away by Passenger (aka: Mike Rosenberg). I’ve been just losing myself in his music all day. It started with Let Her Go. <— Go, LISTEN. Seriously. A M A Z I N G.

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go
And you let her go
Well you let her go

‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

‘Cause you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go

 

 

 

 

Now I’m falling in love with my second favorite… My Hearts on Fire.

Well, I don’t know how, and I don’t why.
But when something’s living, well, you can’t say die.
You feel like laughing, but you start to cry.
I don’t know how, and I don’t know why.

Well, I don’t have many, and I don’t have much.
In fact I don’t have any, but I’ve got enough.
‘Cause I know those eyes, and I know that touch.
I don’t have many, and I don’t have much.

But oh, Darling, my heart’s on fire (x3)
For you.

Well, I don’t know where, and I don’t when.
But I know we’ll be lovers again.
I’ll see you some day before the end.
I don’t know where, and I don’t know when.

But oh, Darling, my heart’s on fire. (x3)

‘Cause only love songs will break your heart.
Only love songs will break your heart. (x2)

Oh, Darling, my heart’s on fire (x9)
For you.

 

i hope you’ll take a moment and listen to the music that moved my heart today…

Not only are the lyrics perfect, but the sound is literally everything I dream of music to sound like =]

ENJOY =]

 

 

I’m nervous.

I think that is the proper description for the way I am feeling today.

After Saturday, I was just really confused about everything. Who I am, what I’m capable of… the future of my marriage. Lingering fears, loneliness and just generally not being able to identify what I want, need, am lacking or how I feel. I hate those times when you just can’t explain… not even to yourself.

We are currently awaiting a response from our church for marriage counseling. I turned in the forms for request yesterday. 

Johnny has been more than amazing in talking through this. He is very affectionate and patient with me since the initial feeling of betrayal. What kind of bothers me is that I had to practically lose myself to get some type of validation and focus back from him. I was full ready to separate on Sunday. We talked about the arrangement and time division of the children. Everything was discussed in a very civil manner. Oddly, it went smooth. It was all too real though. It is one thing to want to talk about those things and have a plan… especially when you are the one who brings it up and is usually shut down immediately. Finally hearing him speak like I’ve spoke for a year was a rude awakening.

That day I was so scared… I asked him to just hug me. We couldn’t be intimate but I just needed to feel him close and see if I was just lonely or if there was anything there. It felt nice, warm even… but I could feel his pain. I quickly stopped caring about anything that led to that point and just wanted to make it better. Forget all the mess, forget my feelings and fears and just be there for him – take care of him. After all, I was breaking his heart. Monday went very well… it was tear filled but the evening was full of kisses on the forehead, hand holding and moments of beautiful feelings so similar to the beginning of our relationship we were both lost in the feeling of love. The end to the night was amazing. 

Tuesday was good too… but by then I was still expressing fear and concern for my lack of commitment to love him forever. As far as I could see by today, I was starting to really suck as a wife. There were days I wished something would finally just happen and change things… whatever the case, I just wanted something to either make us or break us. I’m not sure how to explain that. I think I just figured either he’d cheat or I’d find a way out… but NEVER ever did I think I’d contemplate cheating. And, I didn’t… not literally in that moment. I was too drunk to actually think through any decisions, but since my heart was not with Johnny, my actions under the influence of alcohol represented that. I’m so thankful my little sis cared about my marriage and me and knew it was time to go. I will be forever grateful to her.

Still today… I’m uncertain of the future. i want to just enjoy this time… suck up the love and put my whole heart back in, but something still holds me back. I’m so scared. I’m getting goosebumps trying to figure out what it is that I think is going to happen so terribly. I trust Johnny. He loves me. He is a good dad. I think…. I think I just don’t know if we are good together. Something still feels anxious and unpleasant. Maybe there is more going on in my heart that I can identify and riding this out, with Johnny’s willingness and patience, will truly change our marriage and us as individuals for the best. It is an ‘only time will tell’ situation…

I’m looking forward to him coming home. For the last 3 days he has not criticized me in the least. it is so nice to feel loved.

This is what I came home to yesterday =] I wanted that JT album so bad! 

 

At the moment

I’m the center of your world

i can feel your thoughts towards me

your time surrounds me

i’m part of your day

part of you

like when we met

and life revolved around each other

focused on our next encounter

you see me and you look at me

you wait for my reactions

you’re genuinely interested in my thoughts

my heart is something you desire 

and you long to know i feel the same way too

it’s scary how that can go away

how time stales our love

when we forget to remember

to think of each other

as we go through the days

Sorry to my friends of faith offended by curse words. There are a couple in here. like literally 2 I think.

 

 

I want to know what to hold
you or me, or the dream that could be,
would be, should be,
won’t be, can’t be… had to be?
I don’t know any more than you do
a clouded mess
a restless test
this or that
single minglings
triple meanings
lost days
hopeful ways
wishful stays
if only you would.
if only I had.
minor setbacks
a stepping stone
or two or three
i’m sure it’s necessity
but still
what the heck
this is where we are left
lets not stay
lets not waste
no more timefilled foolishness
onto wedded bliss?
8 years old
too young to die
tighter we grasp
refusing the lie
that maybe we weren’t,
weren’t meant to be
I’ve been yours
and you’ve been mine
I think we both know it’s time
to make amends
or admit regrets
either way
I will say
you will lay
we will pray
something will become
because all we have is love
not the useless kind
the kind that holds on
live or die
it’s you and me
even through the questioning
survive
we must
survive
we trust
survive
you and I
against the tide

Johnny got a new job, and…. SURPRISE, he hates it. So the misery continues.

He says he feels lost. I get that, I’ve been there. It’s hard to let go of dreams that didn’t pan out, but you have to in order to make new dreams.

This is not where I thought I’d be at 27 years old. Still, I’m going to do everything I can to enjoy what I have.

 

For the first time ever my husband said he wishes he were more like me. He has never sad anything like that before.  Most of the time I’m pretty certain he doesn’t like anything about me, much less to aspire to be anything like me.

 

So his unhappiness continues.

I know that I know that I should be his biggest support. I know that I know that I should keep cheering him on. I should love deeper… hold on tighter and offer him the assurance of my love through anything and everything. As he questions his life, himself and what comes next – he should not have to worry if his wife will collapse and fold. My promise to love forever should be of great comfort…

But I’m weary  I’m lonely. I’m exhausted. I feel empty in his presence and drained of happiness when he is around. I’ve held onto memories that reminded me of the goodness in ‘us’, but there are times when those memories are not enough. I long for my relationship to live again.

live again I say

breath again

be real

inspire and bring life

dazzle with your beauty

showing all the world 

the love of lovers

the song of the sweethearts

made for only each other

 

It doesn’t seem to matter what I want for us. it doesn’t seem to matter what I need. Overall all that seems to ring loudly is the discontent and lack of desire for life my husband is lost in.

 

I want to pull him out. scream at him. through a fit. kick and shout. let every bit of resentment and bitterness go. I need to be able to speak of my disgust.

 

How can you have so much wealth… be surrounded by such beauty in life and want everything else but it?

How do hear the pitter-patter of toddlers joyful feet in the morning and sigh with frustration?

How does the sun stream in on a bright morning and no smile finds your lips?

How can the warmth of a beautiful woman eager to love and admonish not offer you joy?

I’ve given all I could. My whole heart, my every dream willing to mesh and even throw away for the sake of another… one that unites two people. I’ve longed for, asked for and worked diligently to bring happiness in the heart of my love who cannot see it. 

Still I will love and fight when it hurts, I just pray that hope keeps me in its grasp while I struggle with the outcome of what is at the moment.

 

The moments are fading

time is against us

separating as we move forward

different directions

neither understands why

life of empty decisions

leading nowhere together

you feel lost

I feel bitter

‘hold on tighter,’ they say.

‘stick it out

life isn’t about happiness

think of your kids’

right, right – i hadn’t thought of that

my kids… of course

that’s the answer

commitment 

hold tighter than before

even though hearts are severed

just grin and bare

life will carry on

the kids won’t notice

as long as you are family

i only wish

brokenness still exists

legally divided or not

the issue remains 

untamed

unresolved

resulting in further decay