March 20, 2013
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When we forget to remember
I’m nervous.
I think that is the proper description for the way I am feeling today.
After Saturday, I was just really confused about everything. Who I am, what I’m capable of… the future of my marriage. Lingering fears, loneliness and just generally not being able to identify what I want, need, am lacking or how I feel. I hate those times when you just can’t explain… not even to yourself.
We are currently awaiting a response from our church for marriage counseling. I turned in the forms for request yesterday.
Johnny has been more than amazing in talking through this. He is very affectionate and patient with me since the initial feeling of betrayal. What kind of bothers me is that I had to practically lose myself to get some type of validation and focus back from him. I was full ready to separate on Sunday. We talked about the arrangement and time division of the children. Everything was discussed in a very civil manner. Oddly, it went smooth. It was all too real though. It is one thing to want to talk about those things and have a plan… especially when you are the one who brings it up and is usually shut down immediately. Finally hearing him speak like I’ve spoke for a year was a rude awakening.
That day I was so scared… I asked him to just hug me. We couldn’t be intimate but I just needed to feel him close and see if I was just lonely or if there was anything there. It felt nice, warm even… but I could feel his pain. I quickly stopped caring about anything that led to that point and just wanted to make it better. Forget all the mess, forget my feelings and fears and just be there for him – take care of him. After all, I was breaking his heart. Monday went very well… it was tear filled but the evening was full of kisses on the forehead, hand holding and moments of beautiful feelings so similar to the beginning of our relationship we were both lost in the feeling of love. The end to the night was amazing.
Tuesday was good too… but by then I was still expressing fear and concern for my lack of commitment to love him forever. As far as I could see by today, I was starting to really suck as a wife. There were days I wished something would finally just happen and change things… whatever the case, I just wanted something to either make us or break us. I’m not sure how to explain that. I think I just figured either he’d cheat or I’d find a way out… but NEVER ever did I think I’d contemplate cheating. And, I didn’t… not literally in that moment. I was too drunk to actually think through any decisions, but since my heart was not with Johnny, my actions under the influence of alcohol represented that. I’m so thankful my little sis cared about my marriage and me and knew it was time to go. I will be forever grateful to her.
Still today… I’m uncertain of the future. i want to just enjoy this time… suck up the love and put my whole heart back in, but something still holds me back. I’m so scared. I’m getting goosebumps trying to figure out what it is that I think is going to happen so terribly. I trust Johnny. He loves me. He is a good dad. I think…. I think I just don’t know if we are good together. Something still feels anxious and unpleasant. Maybe there is more going on in my heart that I can identify and riding this out, with Johnny’s willingness and patience, will truly change our marriage and us as individuals for the best. It is an ‘only time will tell’ situation…
I’m looking forward to him coming home. For the last 3 days he has not criticized me in the least. it is so nice to feel loved.
This is what I came home to yesterday =] I wanted that JT album so bad!
At the moment
I’m the center of your world
i can feel your thoughts towards me
your time surrounds me
i’m part of your day
part of you
like when we met
and life revolved around each other
focused on our next encounter
you see me and you look at me
you wait for my reactions
you’re genuinely interested in my thoughts
my heart is something you desire
and you long to know i feel the same way too
it’s scary how that can go away
how time stales our love
when we forget to remember
to think of each other
as we go through the days
Comments (16)
I know those feelings. But that’s a story for a different time. My
is with you both and I pray all ends well with your marriage. Please keep me posted.
@MyxlDove - i’d love any insight, or generally relation to my story if you ever want to share =]
@xXrEMmUsXx - I’ll send you a message.
@MyxlDove - I’ll be watching for it =]
@xXrEMmUsXx - I added you to my protected list
I’m glad to hear you’re trying to get counseling. I didn’t know you were still going to church. I thought you stopped. Glad to hear Johnny has been opening up and talking. I wish you two the best.
love is everyplace if that is what you may both agree upon
@musterion99 - I don’t think institutionalized church offers the best of community etc. But, I’m still not abandoning it… I’m not plugged in like I used to be though.
I really hope the counseling helps. From how things sound from the outside, it seems Johnny needs it more than you do, but I’m sure it will ultimately benefit you both. He reminds me a lot of my dad from the description you gave. My dad has always focused on the negative, and is constantly obsessed with getting more money just so he can get more things and have the next best thing, but he’s never had a good relationship with any of his family due to his words and actions, so what good is all those fancy things if nobody cares you have them or wants to share with you? I hope your husband can see the error in his ways before it’s too late. My dad has drained my mom of all her positive energy for years and years and it’s showing now that she’s older. Nobody deserves a life like that. You’re in my thoughts and look forward to more updates. I wish you the best, whatever the outcome may be.
Still praying. It breaks my heart every time I read one of your posts about frustrations in your marriage. It’s good you vent though. Keeping it would only make things worse.
By the way, I love JT’s new song. It’s like a pleasant mix between Michael Jackson and Jamiroquai.
@jmallory - which song do you like of his?? there were a couple singles.
I know it’s hard to read sometimes… I really wish there were better things to write about… and I’m sure they are, but in the moments it seems to be the most critical thing on my mind.
@xXrEMmUsXx - It’s very important. For your sake, I’m glad you do it.
Suit and Tie… Love that song. There’s another one that I like too, but I haven’t heard it on the radio yet.
@jmallory - Favs on the album are Tunnel Vision and That Girl =]
might seem like a redundant qtn but r u always this intense ?
@xXrEMmUsXx - There is one that he sang on Saturday Night Live a couple weeks ago that I thought was really good, but I don’t know the name of it!
@celticroots - this question had me thinking a lot the last few days… it actually kind of put some things in perspective. The answer is, yes… pretty much. Intense is probably one of the top 5 words used to describe me =/