I do feel like the musicians that kept playing while the Titanic sank… well sorta, but I did already find a different blog space if Xanga doesn’t make it. But I want it to make it. I guess the difference is that Xanga is not my life, the people in it just enhanced my life. And I can play my music until the ship sinks because it’s not the end of me, or you… or blogging. I’m still very very sad about it.

I’m sad to hear everyone talk about how horrible the xanga team is. I’m sad to see those who have invested so much financially in hopes of directing the ship to the next best thing… and seeing them keep on giving to try and make it work. The whole thing is a downer. 

I for one appreciated all that xanga was, and if it continues… I hope to find new things to appreciate. Until then though, I will keep on playing my music… why not?

People piss me off sometimes. If I’m not your cup of tea… move on. No one makes you come read me. I either interest you, or I don’t. If I annoy you… sorry, stop wasting YOUR time commenting then and ignore me. 

I find my intensity powerful. I also know it can be overwhelming. I am full-aware that I’m not easy to handle when I’m at the height of passionate thoughts and ideas. I’m very aware of myself and my short-comings… some of them I accept for the trade-off of better things, and then some of them I genuinely work on making better. It’s not necessary to tell someone you don’t particularly care for them, its just not. I suppose there are times its prompted. I also suppose that fact that one comment lead me to write this blog proves why you just shouldn’t return to my page <3 I’m cool with that.

I don’t want to write about Xanga… but it was a very important part of our story. We didn’t meet here, but during our dating years we recorded a painful season when we were separated.

We watched an adorable movie last night: “The First Time”

I saw myself in both of the characters. I saw him in both of them as well.

I look at our children and marvel at how beautiful they are. How amazing being together has been so far. Memory Lane has a way of over-shadowing any pain or difficulties we’ve faced.

I’m so glad that the end of Xanga for me is going to be a time in my marriage where things are beautiful again. I will be able to let this site go and move forward onto the next phase in my life. I’m so so glad I came back here and blogged again during one of the toughest seasons in my life. I’m thankful I had somewhere to turn when my feelings needed validation, when my perspective needed enlightening and when I just needed somewhere to let go of pain.

I don’t know if I will find another place like Xanga. I don’t think that the change we are moving forward to will be conducive to such a community that we had (which is already split). I don’t want to jump on the gloom and doom train. I have hope for those of you staying, but I think for me… it’s a clear sign to move on and let go of some things. I figure if I stay, I will have to rebuild a reading base again with so many parting. I won’t have those just coming and going because its free and easy. I won’t say another other blog space is going to be better or worse, just different.

I’m ready for different.

 

So, I’ve let a little disagreement trip me up. I like a challenge, but I also like to be encouraged! So I started feeling a little deflated. However, I’m recovering.

Look, I know I’ve thrown some theology out there that is not widely accepted. But, there is always a handful that get me… a few that not only agree but start to add to what I’m envisioning or that even disagree on some level but agree on another. Its always so beautiful when that happens. You don’t have to agree with me on every level: That Will NEVER Happen to anyone – ever! Having a unified marriage does not mean you see eye to eye on everything… Lord NO! It just means you don’t let your differences separate you, come between you. You actually respect them, embrace them and allow them to make you both better people.

 

When will the fight of being ‘right’ subside so we can ‘come together’? That’s my implore to you… Christian.

Naturally divisions will arise, it is how we handle them that make us ‘unified’. 

 

I know my vision of a broken bride was a bit grim… We are not useless even in a divided state, but I do believe we are compromised.

Matthew 12:25, Mark 3:25,  and Luke 11:17 essentially say: “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.”

John 17:23 I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know thatYou sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.

Ephesians 4:3 being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4There is one body and one Spirit, just as also you were called in one hope of your calling ; 5 oneLord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all who is over all and through all and in all. …..12for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ ; 13until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a matureman, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ.

Colossians 3:14 Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. 15 Letthe peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body ; and bethankful

I was actually unaware of this scripture in colossians… it struck me though. My message has always revolved around perfect love… interesting that that is the KEY to unity – just sayin’!

I don’t think unity is just something we ‘hope’ to have and it requires a great deal of effort. 

 

 

As I was driving home from an emotional workout due to a two-week old injury that is hindering my marathon training… the Lord spoke to me. Oh the beauty of His Holiness, the precious peace of His voice. I was, as always, in Awe of Him.

 

He comforted me as I was trying to muddle through the good things that could come of working  around an injury. I know that life offers many opportunities for growth and this, like all the others, would just be an opportunity so long as I didn’t let it take away the significance of the lesson. I’m determined to learn through every obstacle and let it lead me to a better me.

 

As I had finally realized that just maybe this injury could be serious enough to restrain me from the long miles my heart, my head and my soul wanted to embark on… I began to cry. I also allowed the determined passion in me to look for a way to fight harder and make something of the situation – it was then that my God stepped in to share His heart with me.

 

One thing I remember so clearly was that He adores me. Do you know how much He adores you? I’m not better than you, so that same adoration He has for me, is also yours.

 

But, let me try to start from the beginning of our conversation, I have been through a pretty drastic shift in my faith. One that some would lose their faith over. I have held on the best I could as I’ve studied and felt the Lord lead me in a direction I never planned to go. I know this may not make sense, depending on what your personality type generally lends you to feel and experience in faith… but being an ENFP (my MBTI type, google if you’d like to know  more), I’m actually pretty open minded, excited about new adventure and don’t find a whole lot of security, or need for it, when things are steady and repeated. I actually find a lot of life and adventure in stepping out into the unknown, discovering a new passion and flying by the seat of my pants. Planning just makes me feel trapped and confined… while spontaneous exploration revitalizes me and reveals a zest and passion for the beauty of something undiscovered.

 

The Lord knew I’d need to be exactly who I am to do what He called me to do. He spoke clearly about that. He said that we all have our place, and none is better than the other, but no one could do what I need to do in the Kingdom… and no one can do what you need to do in the Kingdom. We’ve each been designed with a purpose… I love who I am because I know my purpose can only be fulfilled in me through my special design.

 

My husband needs security. He requires planning, spending time understanding how each step will effect his future and relies heavily on past experiences and knowledge to help direct his future endeavors. I on the other hand will do just about anything on a whim for the pure joy of moment. And I feel totally safe doing it.

 

This is where my specific make-up comes into play. Not everyone can leave their faith. God doesn’t call everyone to either, because not everyone can walk a lonely path and forge ahead for changes that require fearless abandon and faith in relationship regardless of the safety religion provides. Each one of our purposes require faith to fulfill.

 

You see, I have a passion and a vision to see the Bride of Christ rise up and function in the beauty of the unity God designed Her. I long for the day that denominations no longer handicap her and see walks Fully in her Wholeness with Christ as her Head, her covering and her Bridegroom. She is spotless, strong and ready. She is Beautiful!!!

 

Some of us are called to work in a church, in a building. Some are called to the streets… to the homeless, to free the captives. Really, as a whole, we are all called to work together to do it ALL. As individuals contributing to the same vision of unity and oneness, there is something we’ve never quite done yet – be ONE. We’ve been divided since the beginning.

 

I remember being taught that one of the definitions of the Devil was: divider.

 

Devil: Greek word diabolos - dia=through; ballo=to throw (38 ref.) – slanderer,
misrepresenter, deceiver, divider, accuser, divider

 

I also got a vision of the church a week ago. The church also being a term interchangeable with The Bride. I saw pieces everywhere… the whole entire world was covered. There weren’t even whole parts anywhere… no full arm, no full legs… hands. Just a bunch of butchered parts scattered everywhere. It was a devastating view of the state of our Body. One I wish I could erase from my mind.

 

The devil has been on a mission to separate, mutilate and destroy the function of the Church. It is his greatest work so far – denominations. The separations in our beliefs have rendered us useless. We wonder why the Gospel is not exploding and our efforts are falling short. We are looking for more programs and building more denominations all without realizing the damage that has been done to ‘preserve’ our individual interpretations of the truth. We don’t agree with each other so we just chop off our finger and assume function without it. We allow our denominations to puff us up and suppose our human nature has been capable of finding the “ONE” and “only” perfect truth of Christ. We’ve allowed our body to be chopped up and the Enemy of the Kingdom of God Almighty is laughing at our dismay.

 

I’ve begun digging deep into the roots of division. I’ve wrestled with the loneliness and I’d fought my own demons trying to make sense of what feels like the wilderness at this time, but I KNOW that He has been leading me. I know that He is keeping me… and even though I may not belong to this denomination or that, I am still fully aware of my relationship and calling in Christ. He speaks to me. I feel Him. I trust Him and He’s taking me somewhere only He could… I love it even when it’s a mystery.

 

You may be called to do something totally different than I am. Embrace it! This is my journey… this is the burden I carry and even if no one agrees, I am CERTAIN I’m where I’m called to be. I pray I will get to see some dramatic changes in the coming together and rebuilding of the broken Bride… I hope it is in my lifetime, but even if it’s not – I will fight for Her, I will not stop. I will not back down and I will hold onto this truth and vision of wholeness!

 

Let Love Lead – it will make you fearless!

 

I came on Xanga tonight to vent… but I was distracted by the various xanga groups on facebook. HA.

The good news is they took my mind off of crying, so now I don’t have a spew of emotions to throw at you =] 

 

Johnny should thank them as well because I may forgive him by tomorrow morning – maybe.

 

I will not think less of myself because I have feelings. Strong feelings. I think of them as important parts of my characteristics. Sure, I’d love to be all ‘knowledge driven’, and I’ve tried to be. But, lets just face the music here… I’m not that girl. I’m that relational girl trying to make peace between all the people in the world that are so set on their interpretation of truth they can’t see eye-to-eye – I try and help people see heart-to-heart instead.

I was told: “I’m sure you KNOW plenty of scripture — I don’t have any reason to dispute that. But do you get it? That you regularly interpret it according to your own understanding, constantly appealing to your own feelings, is why I believe that you don’t.” (you can read my previous blog to see the context here and my response if you like.)

Well, I can’t appeal to someone else’s feelings? We all appeal to our feelings, some are more balanced than others, for sure. But, again, lets face the music… feelings play a huge role in how we determine right and wrong. If it ‘feels’ right; if it ‘feels’ wrong. More often than not, if my wellspring of knowledge cannot produce the wisdom, my feelings will have to do. Why? Well, umm… it’s how I operate? I don’t freaking know. Bottom line, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know perfect truth because I’m human and all things are interpreted by my imperfect human self, and anyone else’s interpretation of truth is JUST as limited as my own. I know Christ, I know truth as it ‘applies’ to me. Does this require feelings? In my opinion, yes. I’m quite satisfied with not being a feeling-less drone spewing out fact after fact without the relational ability to help people discern the beauty of how those facts/truths apply to their hearts.

Frankly, I kind of feel that me just letting it all hang out as tainted some of my readers’ views of me. It’s ok. I’ll keep putting my mistakes out there. I’ll keep being transparent. I will keep making mistakes and learning from them.

I’ve used some ‘curse’ words in my blogging for strong sentiment. I’ve blogged about my mishaps with alcohol. I’ve shared the deep pain in my marriage and the choices I’ve made as well as the problems they have caused. I can’t apologize for being me. I think it’s helpful to me, and you anyone the reads me that I don’t hide behind all the ‘good’ stuff. I’m not perfect. Sin is sin and my heart is heavy with some things I’ve dabbed in this year that have caused me pain. Please though, don’t discount my overall understanding of God and His Word because I display my imperfections… 

The truth of the love I know and understand still remains even though it hasn’t perfected me yet… I’m getting there.

(And yes, I wrote this to validate my hurt ‘feelings’ =])

I was having a conversation with my cousin Amber the other day that really got me thinking about where I am in terms of the way I feel about myself and others. She often feels like she doesn’t know who she is and can’t stand up for her convictions without feeling like she is going against what she was taught in religion. (We were both raised in the same Pentecostal church: Our parents are siblings.) Anywho, I really felt that thing in side of me rise up to draw out her beauty… to tell her how amazingly precious she is no matter what she clings to to define herself. I could feel my passion stirring to remind her of who she is, to help her see herself as love sees her.

As much as I would like this piece to have foundation, truth and references… I’m going to have to write it based on what I know and feel from experience. This is often where we identify/separate truth from religion. 

I remember as a child feeling special. I also remember as I grew in church trying to push that feeling away. I believe it was because we were taught that without Christ we are worthless. There is such a fear of taking the spotlight off of Him that we forget He created us in HIS image. We learn to direct the Glory for everything we do to God – which isn’t wrong. BUT, we can’t think so little of His creation – even those who don’t know His love yet. Granted there is a fine line between being haughty/presumptuous and humble. I believe I’ve found that being humble doesn’t mean I lose my worth or value and I’ve begun to make that clear to every person i know. I know who I am.

Back to feeling special… I felt like Christ was in me, through me and a part of me. He made me feel like I shined brighter than the sun. I felt beautiful and vibrant. Well, some of the time. I still struggled with my own insecurities. But, when I was in His presence… I knew I was beyond pretty, kind and nice… I was PERFECT! 

Recently I went through some changes in my faith. I actually just learned of Fowleys Stages of Faith Development. You guys should read that! It’s pretty amazing and I believe I’m hot of the trail of stage 6! During these transitions I often felt selfish, self absorbed and a little stuck on me me me. I had to own my faith. I had to find out how things applied to me. I also had to figure out how to love myself. I was always taught that I should be the lowest of all. You know, like Paul says. Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t, but that is in comparison to others. The truth is, we’re the best God has! Now, if you ask me who is better, me or Paul or you… I will say that I’ve got much to learn still and none of us have arrived leaving us all at the same level of worth. The truth is, where we are, what we know… how well we’ve ‘lived’ doesn’t change our worth. Our worth is still found in love.

In my opinion, it comes down to value. Do you know how valuable you are? I know I’m more precious than any fine metal… I live and breath… I am ALIVE! I’m unique with special traits and qualities I have worth beyond words – and so do YOU! None of us are short of His IMAGE. We are all created in that same image with the same value, only different abilities and characteristics; things that don’t give or take from our intrinsic worth. 

For me, it all started to blossom when I understood love. When I realized that God is Love, Love is who God is, What God is and Love is perfect. Love changed the way I viewed myself… which in turn changed the way I viewed the whole world. Love freed me, and still frees me, from insecurities and fears. It gives me power, strength and makes me know virtue. It is the shield and the confidence I put before me. Funny, those are all the things God is to me too. They are interchangeable. That may sound sacrilegious when you consider the crap we try to pass off as love in our own human efforts to give and receive what we desire. I’m not even here to tell you that there is a ‘special’ love only God can give… I’m telling you God is LOVE and there isn’t any other kind of love to give and receive. None of the rest of it counts as love. 

Church taught me to belittle myself, and others… Love taught me to lift everyone up!

Love Fearlessly. It will change everything about you. 

I started a vlog, but my freaking phone was full halfway through the stupid thing, so now I’m more agitated. I don’t want to start over, but I also don’t want to type it all out.

I’m being nagged, as usual. 

Why? Well because I’m forgetful. Why? I forgot.

 

I’m so tired of being forgetful. I fucking hate it. It’s the worst thing about me. I can’t remember special events, I can’t even remember to look at the calender to remind me. My phone goes off and then I forget a half hour later where I was supposed to be going. I’m sick of forgetting important things.

I sent my glasses to some random house in Griffith on accident because I forgot and mixed up my dad’s street name with our old one. Luckily my father went to the ‘random’ house and knocked on the door, described the package and was able to get it before they sent it back to the post office.

Earlier in the year I lost Johnny’s Harley title before I sent it off. It was a mess trying to fix that. I forgot about a ticket and ended up having to pay more for it since I totally missed the court date. I forgot to renew my license… that’s why I got the ticket. I forgot for a whole YEAR!!!!! Yep, was driving on a SUSPENDED and EXPIRED license with total peace of mind, why… because I FORGOT!

I keep forgetting to take the dog out before I go, and worse, I forget to close the bedroom doors because he likes to pee on the carpet. I swear I shut them… I do. I must forget something in the bedroom before I go and reopen them. I even took pictures of me shutting the doors thinking maybe the dog has figured out how to open them or someone is playing a trick on me. 

So here I sit, a failure. A failure at something that comes so easily to my husband. I’m a task commitment failure. I swear he never forgets anything important, minor or down right stupid. He remembers random numbers out of the blue. I had to study my bank account number and still forget it. I often have to ask him what MY social security number is because once I have to start writing other numbers down I just can’t remember.

I wish I could give you a snapshot of my brain. I will attempt in words. My brain seems to operate like a race track, only none of the cars go in the same direction and there are no actual signals or rules to obey. As you can imagine the chaos of cars at their max speed just driving wherever they want… there are a lot of thought collisions, lots of thoughts that never make it out of the gate without being hammered by a faster more interesting thought, or just a random distracting thought. Every once in a while a brilliant thought will start in a direction with the right momentum and magnetism to gather all the other thoughts to follow and somehow avoid the rest of the mess on the road. I like to call these brilliant thoughts, Passion. Passionate thoughts are powerful and able to restrain other thoughts… but they are rare and sometimes die before I really get to ride them out. I will sometimes try and focus on a thought that intrigues me, or even on a thought I know i have to pursue, meanwhile I can’t get any of the other cars to stop… I can’t organize them to make any sense and everything just kind of happens as it wills and the chaos continues. A freaking racetrack with unending loops and cars driving off the edge taking out other cars… explosions and car parts flying everywhere. 

In all seriousness. This is truly my largest battle as a writer, mom, wife, friend… student. If I could just get my brain to function with organization and efficiency… I don’t know that I would be so creative and fun, but at least my husband would stop thinking I’m irresponsible. I just wish for a day he could try on my brain. And forget about my emotions, he couldn’t even handle that mixed in! 

I know this sound stupid, but I’m crying. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m not negating responsibility, I’m forgetting under the pressure… I’m forgetting under distraction of other things… the kids, school… interesting things that tie up my thoughts.

Oh what I’d give to be a mindful person. I try so hard to remember the things that are important to others. Birthdays, parties, commitments told to me in advance… I’m just horrible at it. Then I write myself notes and lose them in the chaos of what looks like a purse but is really a receipt trash bag. When I go to the grocery store, if I forget my list I might as well just drive back home and start all over. And I forget my list A LOT! 

How sad is it that this whole last month I was embarrassed to ask my husband if my sons’s birthdays were on the 28th or the 29th?

Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to remember after your close friend’s birthday that not only did you forget about her surprise party but you didn’t even say happy birthday on FB. Talk about feeling like a horrible person.

Our final marriage counseling session ended very well. We hadn’t really spoken about our ‘hiccup’ the night before. (see Johnny’s post about it here.)

We filled out some papers about the tools we had gained to solve problems etc. We celebrated our breakthroughs and focused on the good things we’ve taken from the process. Now we need to make sure we find somewhere to continue cultivating marriage growth. Possibly a class, or group where we get to focus on us every so often. There were 4 D’s that the wife of our counseling couple shared that I found helpful:

Distraction (letting other things take priority over your relationship and family commitments)

Division (what happens when you let other things take priority over your family and commitments -lol)

Disillusionment (that feeling of losing connection, romantic love, attraction and a desire to get out sneaks in)

Destruction (the final stage before Divorce)

She said that all marriages cycle through the first 3 stages; that is normal. Made sense to me. It took us 8 years before we ever got to stage 3, I’ll chalk that up as a pretty decent success! And, now that things are balancing out, we just have to remember that the lessons learned here were critical for taking hold and control of the success of our marriage. Not ever hiccup is to be treated as a means to an end – it’s not. It’s just a reminder that we are a normal couple, sifting through normal issues.

We have not had any infidelity in our marriage. No one has been abused physically and the minor jabs we’ve taken at each other with words don’t even compare to what I’ve seen other couples do to each other. There may come a time that we go through something even far more serious and painful than this. I believe, love will prevail. We have something special, the two of us. We’re going to make it!

Sexy back picture of man =]

Semi-Sexy pic of me =]

The most recent picture of us <3

 

Ok, now I need to mini-rant.

I’m just down right tired of hearing: ‘it’s your choice.’ Every single time I’m looking for a little support. Every single time something feels overwhelming. Ok, maybe not every single time… but more often than not… 

me: “Man, it’s hard to balance family and running, I just feel so guilty going to the gym and running on days we both have off.” 

him: “It was the choice you made.”

me: “I’m so tired, school is wearing me out… I feel like I have nothing left to give the kids and you.”

him: “oh well, it was your choice.”

me: “maybe I should quit school since it’s so hard on you.”

him: “it’s your choice.”

 

I don’t think he realizes how much I just need him to comfort me a bit. Instead his ‘your choice’ response makes me feel unsupported and disconnected. First, we made this decision together, we’re a team. Neither one of us have choices void of the other person. Secondly… I was encouraged to do both of the things I’m committed to by him – Marathon and School, but when things start feeling thin and stretched out, instead of taking responsibility for our choice as a couple, he puts it on me and that just increases my guilt. I didn’t start these things alone, it would be nice if I didn’t have to finish alone.

 

ok – mini-rant ended.