December 14, 2012
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In Tears At My Kitchen Sink
Tonight, as I stand at the kitchen sink scrubbing the endless dishes that had piled up throughout the day, I was sobbing uncontrollably. The mother of the 2 children I watch 3 days a week had just picked them up. Right before she had got home the kids got into my make-up bag as I attempted to start the dishes I was avoiding all day. I instantly broke down. I got angry, I yelled at poor sweet kids for being kids. I tried to clean them all up as they were covered in my Maybelle cover-stick and CoverGirl mineral powder. I was trying to have the house decent before she came, have the kids decent have everything in order as to not look like I can't handle watching 4 children. I usually do okay pulling it together before she, and then shorty after, my husband get here. Today was the day I had tears in my eyes and it was obvious the demands of 2 children under 2 and a 4 year old were overwhelming me.
As my husband walked in, he could hear my crying at the sink. I could tell he felt badly for me. He just does not understand how horrible I feel trying to keep things in order, trying to feed everyone, keep everyone clean, find activities to keep them stimulated and from mischief. It is no easy task. I feel guilty that I do not enjoy my own children amongst the chaos of having 2 extra ones 3 days a week. I just pray that I survive the day. I only wanted to help someone who had no one, but I think I have to face the music and let go of my ambitious efforts to help make her life easier. I actually used to go to her house so she would not have to take the kids out. After 3 months, I finally caved and got the courage to tell her I was no longer going to be able to watch them in their own home because my home was suffering. I had no time to clean or make dinner. She was actually angry with me, though she never asked me to come there, I offered in the first place thinking it would be easier for her. I guess she got too used to the convenience of not having to even dress her own children or brush their hair. Still the same she brings them over straight out of bed. I understand though, she is a single working mother. I can't imagine the stress.
So, I'm trying to breath, relax a little and forget the fast paced chaos I endure during the week. I want to enjoy my family and embrace them. Especially in light of the tragedy our country faced today. My heart is extra heavy for the families in Connecticut who have endured such pain. For the children who's lives were ended too early, the parents, family members of every kind... for the children who saw such evil. Oh how my heart breaks... how the pain is clouding my mind. To think of the fear that this causes in the hearts of Americans. Parents who will want to protect and worry about their childrens' safety in the places they cannot be with them continually. I can only let out tears of concern, worry and fear myself hoping that the victims find peace.
Comments (17)
its hard to be so kind....you have a big heart to help in such ways....it is hard to raise children let alone someone elses children. such a tragic day....enjoy your family...let their love fill your heart
I like to suggest praying about it before you end your 3 days of daycare. You don't have to, but I find that when I feel most overwhelmed God is usually doing something in me and through me. When I reach out to God for his help, when I'm completely overwhelmed, I suddenly run into little answer that take the pressure off in ways that take away the feelings of being overwhelmed. I know God is trying to stretch me so he can be more through me.
It's only a suggestion, and maybe you're not in a place where God needs to stretch you, but what can it hurt to ask him?
Blessings,
Lonnie
Hugs! That was a very nice thing you did, offering to watch her children. But you certainly do need to do what is right for you and your family. And I think you got pretty good advice from the two comments above mine!
And, yes, today was such a tragic day. There are no words.
Child care providers are some of America's unsung Hero's. My wife was in tears a lot when she was one. I'm hoping you have a great weekend and are able to unwind a little. Everyone needs a breather now and again.
@Such_are_you - i just believe every child should be enjoyed and not only am i constantly angry and frustrated but they dont deserve to not be cherished and adored. i understand what you are suggesting, ive been wrestling with it for months before i started and its been almost 6 months... im not coping well..
wow, I'm sorry for your recent experiences...yuck, that totally sucks (hope you're not offended, by that, but seems appropriate)!
Sorry I missed your IM earlier...praying you found your phone and have a refreshing hope-filled weekend!
Some of the most valiant heroes are child care providers. They know that the job is stressful and accept it in relative obscurity.
I know that the year that I stayed home with a broken leg was not wasted. My young daughter had someone to read to her books and she got a leg up in her education. How many parents could say that they helped their children be bright enough to go to med school and become a doctor?
Lol if those children become successful in their adult life, would you have secret pride that you've helped them in life?
@xXrEMmUsXx - You don't have to explain. I don't want you thinking I'm judging you in any way. That isn't where I'm coming from. I don't live anywhere near you, and I do not know your situation. I have formed no opinion at all. You don't know me from Adam.
Summer, all I know is that it has been my experience that when I want to quit when I'm overwhelmed God, sometimes has some very different ideas about that. All I'm suggesting is simply pray. Simply ask God what he would have you do. I'm not wanting to see you burdened, but a few times I've decided to quit something I learned God had a purpose in it. I ended right back in the same kind of situation I tried to escape.
Please don't think I'm judging you. I haven't got a thought about your situation beyond what I've said. I have no judgment on your matter, you've asked me for none, and I won't make any. The worst thing you could do is try to please me or follow me. I'm a mere man, and that is all I am. I DON'T have any divine insight into your situation, so don't ever take my word for anything, not even a rainy day.
@xXrEMmUsXx - I'll be praying for you!
And hope today is a better day!
@god_stories - sucks? haha... that is actually quit mild friend. Curse words and the like don't bother me until its name calling... those words kill me if used that way towards anyone. I have yet to understand friends calling each other degrading names... I just don't get it?
I keep my words cautious and try my best not let anger drive some of them to the keyboard. I also don't mind some strong language to get the point across.
@Such_are_you - I totally get it. thank you. that was very well addressed =]
@pa1ndpo3t - @xXrEMmUsXx - @PPhilip - @crazyforfsh48 - @Megabyyte - thank you guys.
I guess I'm just at the point where, other than feeding them, I'm not helping them. I don't feel like I'm offering them much more than shelter and also taking that away from my kids to try and survive. I know that might sound kind of silly - its just 4 kids right? I've done the daycare thing twice for a couple of years. I liked it then, but I didn't have kids so when I left I got to leave work and focus on something else. Again, children should be appreciated. I just dread every second. And it makes me feel like an awful human being.
Blessings and grace, dear heart. It's so hard to find words, yesterday, today. The gift you offered this other mother and her children is huge. I'm touched by your realization that not enjoying the kids is a good signal that the situation is no longer working. May she be given the wisdom to hear what an important insight that is.
@gayXianmom - I hope she receives it that way. But, I also understand the fear and worry about who else she might have to leave them with. For her, at least they are safe... and that is most important. She just divorced and like is messy =[ I feel stuck, but I'm sure she feels more stuck.
My daughter owns a daycare and has about 130 kids. When I visit I'm amazed what some parents do
@TexasTidbits - what do you mean 'what some parents do'?
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