December 26, 2012
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The time has come…
The time has come where I feel like if I don’t write out these feelings… I may just explode.
I vlogged about a break down over the weekend, but decided no one wants to hear all that on Christmas and didn’t post. And now… here I go vomiting it all the day after Christmas.
I hope you guys respect me still after hearing my most inner thoughts and fears. I do blog it for validation, growth and hope… I share because it helps me, but I don’t want anyone thinking badly of me because my marriage is struggling. I don’t like that people may think I’m weak or uncommitted, I haven’t left and just because I write through it and discuss it does not mean I’m going to. I get the vibe sometimes that I’m being dramatic or just being difficult when I should suck it up. Maybe that’s because I feel that way too sometimes when I take a step back – either way, this is me… this is me being me. All my thoughts, the hopeful and fearful – the good and the bad… if I only express those things that are good and acceptable, how will I expose the things that need to be fixed, healed?
Anyway…
I was thinking of why I’m feeling so out of place here… with my husband. I’m wrestling… I’m fighting myself, my selfishness… my desires. I’m trying so hard to find out what his are and help him to be happy. I think when I realized that I was not going to be able to do that is when I started just doing me. I stopped giving him the best of me because he kept rejecting who that was… at least that is how it feels. That is my interpretation of the criticism.
In my opinion, the best me is fun, spontaneous – full of life and adventure – driven by passion and zest for life. In his opinion, the best me is one reserved, motivated by tasks… quiet and obedient to a normal easy way of life. A me I cannot manage to be consistently.
I admit, I’m not very organized, I am easily distracted and then obviously forgetful. I can see how those are difficult things to accept and love when you are the opposite.So, I noticed… I have at least one wall up. It must have started forming when I realized that the me I am is not accepted, cherished or needed. I must has constructed it this last 6 months in other to learn to be alone or something. I’m not entirely sure… all I know is that my heart is very resentful and reserved. I give him what I think he needs of me and the rest I don’t offer because what is the point? When I tried this weekend, it was so obvious that I’m unable to expose my heart, that somehow the girl who is all about vulnerability being the bridge to relationship and love being the answer to life, can’t offer this to her own husband…
What am I protecting myself from… what is it that makes me feel so unsafe here… with him. I stay because I know its the right thing, but my heart is not here. I am fighting to bring it back, but I can’t answer the questions, he can’t answer the questions… something happened and I don’t know what it will take to fix it.
I don’t feel safe. A roof, money… constancy… those sound life safe things, right? Well, not for me. For me being safe means I offer the best of me and its accepted. I offer all of my heart, and I’m loved. Safety is not physical for me… its not even commitment to me. Not necessarily anyway. Sure those things are wonderful, but they mean nothing if life is dead. I need change, I need experience… movement. There is just something about me that cannot rest tonight… this week… the last 6 months… I cannot rest in the hope of my marriage. Its a very steady worry. I am afraid. Is it a tragedy that one gives themselves selflessly to another regardless of reciprocation? I could give myself to him… and I will continue to. I just cannot understand what is going wrong…
This is very rough… the kids started acting up and Johnny can’t seem to manage so my thoughts got jumbled. Forgive me… I still needed to put the mess out there even if it didn’t come out right… maybe a rewrite will be needed or a reflection on this tomorrow.
I’ll love my way through this…
As always, Love fearlessly =]
Comments (17)
You can share anything here and not worry about being judged. Is it ok for us to give feedback without making you feel we are judging you?
Perhaps you think you are staying because it is the right thing to do instead of just accepting that maybe there is a side of you that really wants to stay. Maybe because in your mind you are staying because it is the right thing that you are keeping yourself from enjoying the relationship. By feeling sort of trapped (my words, not yours) you are intellectually putting boundaries around yourself that your husband is not putting around you.
Keep trying… Sometimes in life, it’s the effort in things that matter most… regardless of what the outcome may be… It sounds like there are delicate communication issues that need to be addressed and understood between the both of you… I’m sure with work, raising kids, being a mom and dad occupies most of your priorities and time, but take some important time off to spend it with your husband, not just to relax but to really get better acquainted and understand each other again… We’re constantly growing and changing and remember, it’s perfectly fine to feel stuck sometimes. What matters most is the support you need to have the strength to endure and overcome… Sometimes we can’t handle and do everything on our own… so be supportive and I’m sure your husband can find ways to do the same…Best of luck to you!
I’m unable to expose my heart, that somehow
the girl who is all about vulnerability being the bridge to relationship and love being the answer to life, can’t offer this to her own husband…
I’m not judging you by any means but when you wrote about love the other day, I was thinking this same thing about you loving your husband. It sounds like you two need good professional counseling. I’ll be praying for you.
@hizzoMYnizzo - thank you, that was very helpful. We are constantly growing and changing… this is probably just a period where my change is effecting our dynamic…? Possibly a key thing for me to understand.
@musterion99 - I know. its a sad shame… I wonder though, obviously a marriage dynamic is quite different from any other relationship. When we let go of expectations of people… how do we do that in marriage? It is much easier to love people who I don’t need anything from… whom owe me nothing. But once in a committed and legally binding relationship, it seems that there will always be expectations.
Professional counseling costs money, or we’d be there. I’ve been looking for a decent price for some time. =[
@TheTheologiansCafe - haha, just because someone does not put their judgements into the little box for me to read, does not mean they have not developed. People judge. Its not necessarily wrong, we just get impressions of people and decide if something about them is right or wrong to us. I don’t think the advice here I’ve received has made me feel judged. I don’t even think I used that word…
anyway… good points… I’ve got to explore that a bit. Of course I want to stay, and not just because its right…
@xXrEMmUsXx
You’re right about the dynamic of a marriage relationship being different than other relationships. Of course a husband and wife should still love each other but as you said, many times it’s very difficult. I think in marriage, sometimes pride, selfishness, failure to communicate, and power control come into play, in addition to the possibility of each spouse disrespecting and abusing one another.
@musterion99 - I think also, there is a different love that is offered to people… a marriage love is unique. While I love and respect my husband like I do everyone, there is a dynamic to our love that is suffering, missing. It is not that I’m void of love or that i hate him or don’t have respect for him. I could actually live with him as my friend for the rest of my life… Something is just wrong. I can’t figure it out.
@xXrEMmUsXx - I understand. That’s the challenge of marriage. Figuring those things out.
Something seems missing – but you can’t quite put your finger on it exactly?
One of the axioms of my life is that you tend to find what you are looking for.
One needs to be careful of that one though.
When you are not exactly sure what you are looking for, and you go looking, you tend to find all sorts of “stuff” that kinda looks like what you think you may be looking for – but you never know until you try it out. And sometimes spend years looking for something that is not where you are looking.
So before you go looking, be sure you know what you are looking for! Or who knows what you will find – or how long it will take to discover – that the things you have found are not really what you wanted to find in the first place!
In any case – embrace the questions! Live life! Be in the here and now – it is the journey – not the destination that is important!
In the mean time, I will search for back dimples! It’s not what I really want to find, but it is practice in searching! Searching is fun!
I hope you figure out what that missing something is! Time is so precious!
“Safe” is an important word.
As you noted, “safe” has as much to do with an emotional state of mind as a physical one, perhaps more so. ”Safe” is also something we each know ourselves; it is not something another person can make for us.
Been talking with a 24 year old friend of mine for several months. She married her HS sweetheart about 4 years ago. Thought things were okay until he said they needed to file for bankruptcy this past June. He’d not told her how badly in debt they were. In October, he texted her and said he wanted a divorce. That caught Hope way off-guard. Since then, he’s filed for divorce and she’s been going through the usual feelings … but there has been an upside, and it comes to my point.
Though she has less income and is rooming with her sister and her kids, she feels “free.” There was much in the marriage relationship that was hidden from her.
Look for the hidden things. There may be a reason why you don’t feel emotionally safe.
@BookMark61 - I actually feel safer alone. I feel happy alone. it used to be my biggest fear…
@xXrEMmUsXx – Okay kiddo, you say to Brett @bookmark61 that you feel safer alone…that is a big red flag. We are people persons, so for you to prefer being alone and feel safer alone is huge. Take a real close look at the marriage. Feeling safe outside this relationship for people like us means we’re living with a corpse.
@Such_are_you - what do you mean, living withe a corpse?
i knew it wasnt good that ms. codependant finally feels like being independant would be happier… that i dont desire to be around certain people anymore… i think the detach from his family made tthe isolation that much worse.
I mean that we’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t want us or someone we don’t want. I can’t abide people who feel they have the right to manipulate me, control me, or put me down. Honesty is an absolute must, and if we aren’t honestly being valued, then we begin shutting off from those people. We start feeling like people aren’t safe, or the relationship is dead. If the relationship is dead then we’d rather be alone. When I don’t feel safe, valued, loved, and if I feel used, abused, and manipulated then the attitude becomes one of, “F*** this! You are dead to me!” And I move on. I have no problem moving on from dead or dead end relationships.
Does that explain things better?
@Such_are_you - umm eerily so….
Yeah, I knew you’d understand. Look, don’t sacrifice yourself for a relationship that isn’t a relationship. I’m not talking about divorce. I have no right to advise such a thing. But if something is dead, and you stay tied to it, all that happens is death starts to eat you. In ancient times long past, one of the punishments for murder was to be tied, hand, foot, torso, head, back, and etc. to the body of the corpse the murderer murdered. As decay ate the body of the dead body, that same decay would eat the living body of the person who murdered the dead person. With this punishment the living person was murdered by the person they had murdered.
God hates divorce, but I believe he hates murder more.
Take what I say or leave it. I’m not going to ever tell you what to do, I can’t do that, but I do hope I can make you think. You may even find life in the relationship you thought dead. God can resurrect the dead if we are able to endure it, and both parties in the relationship are willing to commit 100%.
Blessings,
Lonnie
@Such_are_you - Maybe I’m being dramatic. I just keep feeling like he’s stuck with me. No one wants to feel like they are stuck with someone.
What you said made sense, though… it feels selfish to me. My children would suffer, he’d suffer… our families. All because I need to be free? There has to be a solution for communication and respect that can cultivate romance and love again.
I think I just partially have already decided that this is impossible. You can’t fix something that you don’t believe can be fixed… but I don’t know how to reverse my thinking.
@xXrEMmUsXx - I wouldn’t try to go in reverse. Forward to new love. And if you depend on God to do the leading, then he can take us to a love that can out last anything we can come up with. I’m not advising you jump out of marriage. But I’ve seen God do it.