February 1, 2013
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Out of Character (sexually and on the job)
I’ve been meaning to do an ‘impressions’ blog… but it will have to wait.
After my little rant last night followed by a killer gym work out and ending with a 3 hour conversation in bed… I’ve tried to reflect a bit on why that exploded as it did.
I think, mostly… I feel like I’m being duped when it comes to the Johnny I hold hands with and the one at work. I get angry when I realize that his character doesn’t line up with the man I know at home. I’m the same person everywhere I go. I don’t let my demons out here and not there. I’m crazy, overwhelming and only slightly bridled Summer pretty much 24/7. So I think even more than the nature of the discussion about sexual conversations about other women… I’m really displeased with the lack of care attributed to Johnny’s image at work. (Especially because if you knew Johnny IMAGE is everything to him.)
Now… I always worry you guys think my husband is a big lump of jerk, but he’s not. I just let it all out here because I know that A) my perception could be off and writing it can be exactly what I need to realize that B)once you tell family, they never forget and C) this is my safe place.
So, while I’m exposing my husbands weaknesses on this anonymous blog, be aware that I’m not exposing them to my girlfriends or my parents or Facebook etc… (in case you were concerned for him, and rightly so.)
I’m concerned I’m not handling my frustrations properly when addressing them with Johnny. But, I just feel like he doesn’t care to take responsibility and he’d rather use a cop out. So my frustrations lead to the ‘attack’ style conversations with lots of accusations and belittling. I HATE WHEN I GET MANIPULATIVE. I obviously have a lot to work on in that area.
Character. This is my issue.
I love Johnny. I feel for him. I have genuinely pushed my pain aside and done everything I could to coddle his sexual weaknesses without taking it personal. And for the most part… I think I’m doing a decent job. However, there are times when I just can’t handle some of the things this entails. I really don’t care about pornography. Its his struggle, his battle and really, I just want him to be healthy sexually so I really don’t fight with that anymore because I think its an internal issue so trying to clean up the floor when the toilet is still running is useless.
Johnny has a think for older women. It’s a fetish. We’ve talked about it since we were dating. I don’t think its cute, but it’s his thing so I leave it alone. And we even joke about the older women that seriously blow my mind he finds attractive! If I point out a beautiful young lady, his first response it… ewe, too young. So its almost a running joke now with friends and family but he never talks sexually about them in our joking with others together.
So… I guess my points here are to try and get on a better foot with the subject. I’m not sure where we stand at the moment on the topic. I really just wanted to hear that he understands what I’m handling, while he too wanted to hear that I can handle what he’s dealing with. In most times, I can… I don’t take it personal and I try to help him heal and grow and keep our sex life vibrant and enjoyable.
There is something I haven’t shared, and even though its anonymous… I’d rather not. No he didn’t have an affair or anything to that length. He just crossed a line on the internet and it has made my ability to handle the normal sexual issues without the grace I had last week.
Comments (13)
Continue to encourage each other, and keep being positive. You know you have a lot of prayer and support behind you and your marriage
I find it interesting that you really don’t care about him watching pornography. As a man that is married to you, you don’t care that he’s lusting and getting turned on by other women instead of you? I think maybe you really do care but you just didn’t express it that way.
I am 79 and believe pornography is not healthy to view.
I was 14 when I got my first taste of a variant form of porno and it affected me most of my life.
It is not my intention to turn this religious, but I was born again at age 30. That made me quit reading anything except the Bible to purify my mind.
Now back to your issue. His old woman fetish is not helping your marriage–my opinion. Since he is also in to porno based on this post, he really needs professional counseling. It would not hurt for both of you to participate—if he will.
I wish you well with this–it sounds tough to me.
frank
Its very cool how your honest exploration reveals the masculine and feminine gifting and temptations.
The masculine gifted to pursue mission, take risks, mentally compartmentalize, expert at honor and respect. Tempted to withdraw / shrink back and / or seek comfort (and these can have aspects of both shadow and light).
The feminine (since I’m not a woman, its only by observation, you tell me if it feels ‘true’) is gifted to nurture, create/offer safety and beauty, emotionally aware, expert at love and connection. Tempted to ‘get big,’ blow the whistle (as in call out misbehavior), and / or manipulate (with aspects of shadow and light).
And it seems what you don’t like in him and in yourself, while rooted in each of your own personal stories (birth family, personal choices, etc) is not just about him (or you). We’re built to live in community/relationships and so our present choices while influenced by our past are actually made in this present moment (and influenced by our present circumstances including relationships and interactions). So you impact your husband’s current choices and vice verse, and yet others actions do not directly control my own choices. Does that make sense?
For example, my experience is that porn/sex addiction/fetish is the masculine temptation to withdraw and seek comfort/power. Its obviously unhealthy in that it doesn’t give the man what he really wants which is revelation of his power in his rightful place in loving relationship with another. So when I’m feeling unsafe and powerless I’m tempted to seek comfort through porn/sex addiction…particularly since I learned that this ‘worked’ as an adolescent. But I’m learning its a lie, that porn doesn’t give me what I truly want, which is connection, intimacy, and expression of my power in rightful relationship (willingly and lovingly received).
So while it wasn’t my wife’s responsibility to ‘heal’ me, there was an invitation for her to stand uprightly and remind me who I am and the power I wield in relationship with her and others (meaning we each wield power in relationship with another). So she had choice to feel her pain (in response to my addiction), remind me who I am (rather than hold it in, blow the whistle, or get big), and choose to unconditionally respect me. In this way I can experience her love (men are expert at respect and experience love in that context) for me and experience an invitation to hear her and trust her. So can I trust that she sees me and that what she sees offers me personal value, ie my life is better by listening to her, believing her, and taking action based on new beliefs. Of course, that necessarily takes time…and trust is the currency in that transaction.
So there was invitation for me to love my wife in the midst of her temptation, which was gluttony…meaning that she was tempted to want more to feel safe/satisfied. I was invited to seek her out, her thoughts, emotions…and to be with her in the chaos of her thoughts. To assure her that she was not too much for me or the world. And while it was not my responsibility to ‘heal’ her, there was opportunity for me to stand uprightly. To hear her needs and speak out my truth in the context of our shared reality. To establish firm and fair boundaries within which she has opportunity/choice to feel safe and comforted.
So doing my part doesn’t assure that my wife will do her part (or vice verse), but it offers opportunity for redemption, meaning opportunity to experience the response the world offers to our actions differently. And when we get a different response to our actions there’s opportunity for our long held beliefs to change…for us to see more clearly the lies we hold about the world. And the truth shall set us free…and provide context for deeper intimacy.
Just free form thinking outloud…will have to re-read it to see if it makes sense. Thoughts?
@musterion99 - of course I care. I just don’t think that’s the first battle to win. it’s a heart issue.
Johnny is very insecure… especially in the looks department. So, at a very young age he turned to pornography. I just understand that its an addiction that will take more than me being hurt to resolve. I wish loving me was powerful enough to free him from sexual issues, but that’s just not the way it works.
Does it upset me sometimes. YES. Does it take the place of our sex life – NO. if it did, or when it seems to be effecting us we talk it out. but I don’t want to be the woman shaming him and causing him to hide deeper wounds from me. I’d rather not take it personal and help walk him through his struggles.
@HUMOR_ME_NOW - i know its not healthy. I’m not happy about it… I just know its not going to go away over night.
@god_stories - wow.
i think I need to write him a letter.
that was very profound. dang you’re good at this stuff. LOL
i think johnny and i have a flipped masculine and feminine in the area of risk and mission. that is me, not him. but the feminine was right on.
@xXrEMmUsXx - I thought you probably do care even though you said you don’t. I understand it’s a tough issue to deal with. I hope eventually he can get some counseling and learn how destructive it really is in a long term healthy marriage. If a man truly loves his wife, he would not lust after other women. And you’re right, it’s a heart issue and ultimately, his choice.
@musterion99 - Hi, I feel compelled to offer you a man’s perspective on something you said:
“If a man truly loves his wife, he would not lust after other women.”
Perhaps its true that if a man agape loved his wife, he would be willing to die for his wife (including not lust after other women). Lies that he believes keep him from agape love…just as Peter believed he agape loved Christ at the last supper and shamefully discovered he in fact didn’t. It wasn’t until what tradition says was 30 years later did Peter reveal agape love for Christ as he was martyred.
Similarly a man pledges agape love to his wife on his wedding day, but its the unusually self-aware (holy) man that can sift through the lies in his belief system to be able to see his wife’s needs and offer himself to meet them (and vice verse)…even though he wants to and always thought he would. We can only know ourselves in relationship with others…and perhaps most fully in marriage relationship.
There is hope…and that is Jesus. Each trusting Jesus to heal and reveal truth…and love with a perfect love. Otherwise all we can do is merely stand uprightly as our individual self (meaning share our needs with respect, see the other and their needs…ala the story of Lazarus and the rich man).
Hope it was ok to offer my perspective.
@xXrEMmUsXx - I have a lot to say about it anyway:-p but thanks, I can receive your compliment.
…and risk probably doesn’t fit for masculine…that’s probably both (depending on personality). And mission probably needs more discussion, b/c that fits for both too. I think there’s something there that’s uniquely masculine about mission, but needs to be more specific somehow.
A letter sounds like a brilliant idea!
@god_stories - Thanks for the added input.
I deal with people (usually young) that start out using porn or drugs especially – these become addictions – these things become more important to them than the normal look at it for a different thing or use it to see what its like to use it and do this together. It isn’t experimentation. It becomes addiction. If your hubby crossed that line, God bless him – because nobody can save the ones that cross the line but God and them having a desire to live without the addiction. If he’s addicted, I can tell you this: it won’t matter one iota what I tell you or what you tell him until he wants a normal healthy relationship enough to work a different system – one that works.
my dear … i understand.
this is my completely anon blog, and it has to do with my own exploration into my sexuality. but, this comes after a husband who was tired of a good marriage, the struggles we must face in it, and the lure of a younger woman.
i don’t have answers for you, as we all have our own situations. but i would suggest that you make deliberate preparations for the worst, and hope for the best. don’t wait for life to happen to you, get in front of what you can.