March 8, 2013
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the song of the sweethearts
Johnny got a new job, and…. SURPRISE, he hates it. So the misery continues.
He says he feels lost. I get that, I’ve been there. It’s hard to let go of dreams that didn’t pan out, but you have to in order to make new dreams.
This is not where I thought I’d be at 27 years old. Still, I’m going to do everything I can to enjoy what I have.
For the first time ever my husband said he wishes he were more like me. He has never sad anything like that before. Most of the time I’m pretty certain he doesn’t like anything about me, much less to aspire to be anything like me.
So his unhappiness continues.
I know that I know that I should be his biggest support. I know that I know that I should keep cheering him on. I should love deeper… hold on tighter and offer him the assurance of my love through anything and everything. As he questions his life, himself and what comes next – he should not have to worry if his wife will collapse and fold. My promise to love forever should be of great comfort…
But I’m weary I’m lonely. I’m exhausted. I feel empty in his presence and drained of happiness when he is around. I’ve held onto memories that reminded me of the goodness in ‘us’, but there are times when those memories are not enough. I long for my relationship to live again.
live again I say
breath again
be real
inspire and bring life
dazzle with your beauty
showing all the world
the love of lovers
the song of the sweethearts
made for only each other
It doesn’t seem to matter what I want for us. it doesn’t seem to matter what I need. Overall all that seems to ring loudly is the discontent and lack of desire for life my husband is lost in.
I want to pull him out. scream at him. through a fit. kick and shout. let every bit of resentment and bitterness go. I need to be able to speak of my disgust.
How can you have so much wealth… be surrounded by such beauty in life and want everything else but it?
How do hear the pitter-patter of toddlers joyful feet in the morning and sigh with frustration?
How does the sun stream in on a bright morning and no smile finds your lips?
How can the warmth of a beautiful woman eager to love and admonish not offer you joy?
I’ve given all I could. My whole heart, my every dream willing to mesh and even throw away for the sake of another… one that unites two people. I’ve longed for, asked for and worked diligently to bring happiness in the heart of my love who cannot see it.
Still I will love and fight when it hurts, I just pray that hope keeps me in its grasp while I struggle with the outcome of what is at the moment.
Comments (8)
I am still very confused on what your husband is going through.
@Manbeast - It is hard to speak for him… you know? I try to share based on what he shares with me… I’ve written a lot about him from my perspective.
He is just unhappy with life in general. He has always been negative, but I didn’t see that side of him until after we were married since falling in love was so blinding to those qualities in each other.
I mean everything is a complaint, everything is a reason to miserable. He thinks the only thing that will make him happy is having more money. and I do think that would help… I mean money makes things easier… but its not the answer.
Does that help?
I just pray that hope keeps me in its grasp while I struggle with the outcome of what is at the moment.
I pray that also.
@xXrEMmUsXx - yeah, but not fully.
Hope you the best!
i think its a father thing tbh…i never cared much about money until i had kids and then i just felt like i needed more and more to feel safe because its a family ordeal now, not just myself if i fail…
@pa1ndpo3t - ummm… i don’t think its a father thing… from what his parents say, he’s always been this way. it might have gotten worse as a father, and firstly as a husband.
look i’m happy to have running water and food. I don’t need much. Johnny on the other hand… he needs Nike’s and a Harley and the real Pop Tart brand pop tarts.
@xXrEMmUsXx - what man doesnt need all those?
I’m sorry…truly. …and tired at the moment. I’m sincere, but that’s all I have to offer…and that there’s hope!