June 12, 2013
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long rant style, unimportant word vomit
I’d like to take a video through my house… and let you guys be the judge of dirty.
Sometimes I think my husband is just ridiculous in his expectations of our home, our VERY lived in home of 2 rough toddler boys and dog that pee’s everywhere.
My solution, a chore chart. That is basically what he wants. He wants me to accountable. But you better freaking believe I will write down every last thing I did. and I will want credit for it when he realizes that just because I didn’t mop doesn’t mean I didn’t spend an hour bathing the kids, clipping little finger and toenails, and brushing teeth.
Our home is run down since we had the kids. We used to enjoy fixing things up, making minor changes… it was fun and felt like our home.
I will gladly admit I don’t like to do dishes everyday… I prefer every other day or every 3rd day if I’m not home those days. Once the sink is full of RINSED dishes (and yes, occasionally both of us will just toss a nasty dish in the sink and forget about it) then the dishwasher can be loaded.
Remember, I’m a scatterbrain. Lists HELP me a lot. I forget to start the diswasher because I got distracted by my son flushing a toy down the toilet. I forget to switch the laundry even though its the only thing my husband asked me to do that day. (yes, he will randomly tell me 2 or 3 things to do to make him happy when he gets home – he does this crap too without asking what my plans are for the day… if I’m going to be out so when I’m woke up with a chore list and I’ve got to be somewhere in an hour or two it just agitates me.)
Yesterday i said, it’s the summer time… I’m going to make memories with my kids. dude, I could freaking live out of a tent in the summer. I have no need to be in an air conditioned box… the outdoors are my playground. The last thing I want to do is organize a closet when the sun is shining and the boys are spinning around like mini tornadoes. He said.. “This isn’t summer vacation.” OH OH… sorry, since my kids aren’t in school with summer breaks I’m not allowed to enjoy the beauty of the summer season? Ugh. I want to punch things again remembering it.
Look, I know I’m not a 10 in the house cleaning department, but I’m certainly sufficient. I always tell him to ask anyone he wants if they have ever seen my house dirty. he says that won’t work because I always clean for other people and not him. DUH. I do a little extra spicing up for company… but if someone says they are stopping by in a half hour and you have enough time to straighten the house enough to look really good, your house was NOT filthy to begin with!
He has never given me credit when I have maintained the home above and beyond… EVER. And he always says “you NEVER….” which indicates that I’ve just never done anything ever and he has always had to do it. Mind you, for 6 months… the whole summer to the end of January I watched 2 extra kids, sometimes I went there, but after 2 months I told her I had to do it in my house. So for at least 4 months my house was beyond clean and it was the hardest job I’ve ever done. Watching other people’s kids and cleaning my house multiple times a day. I was exhausted every day that I had them. He was mad about money when i quit, but it was just too much. I’ve worked before, going to work is WAY easier to maintaining a home and children, in my opinion.
I’ve also tried relentlessly to get the point across that I’m an entertainer. With his piss buddy around the house, I don’t invite people over. Johnny also is very edgy and weird about people so, we never have company… a part of my life I want and need that he disregards. I don’t think i have ever been a bad housewife. I don’t refuse to clean. I’m just spontaneous and forgetful and johnny is organized and ontime. I’m not lazy. i’m tired of being treated like I’m lazy and useless.
I know i’m ranting quite a bit right now and I’ve got typos going on like crazy… I just need to right now.
I’ve been begging for a new couch, but Johnny won’t invest in one with the dog peeing everywhere… so the couch we have had for 7 years won’t get replaced until we get a new place or the dog dies? I need things to be refreshed often. And this place is looking like a dump. Not so much messy as in worn. The walls are getting marked up, dunged up… the floors are getting scratched, carpets stained. Chairs in the kitchen are stained now. Closet doors have been a joke since he put them up. The bathroon is musty. We think its the floor around the toilet… I think its the whole floor. But of course Johnny just says its because I don’t clean in there… but its because the kids have overflowed the toilet and get water on the floor during baths.
So what does a day look like when I’m home? It depends… I’m kind of sporadic.
Usually: (but not all of this everyday, but the things that seem to occupy time)
- at least 1 meal cooked, sometimes 2 – snacks and easy foods between
- floors swept, usually multiple times
- clean up dog crap by the front door
- dishes (not every day, but usually the busiest time spent is in the kitchen)
- wiping down the couch, tables and floors of sticky toddler induced messes
- bathing, the kids and myself
- picking up toys ALL day
The things my husband wants me to do that I rarely get to:
- leaving the house spotless before we go anywhere (I want to, but end up late just trying to remember to grab the kids on the way out.)
- cleaning the bathtub (I hate cleaning the bathtub. I’ll clean the toilet anyday, hate the tub though.)
- cleaning under the couch
- putting clothes away (although the laundry is his job, he often leaves things for me to put away to see if I will.)
- organizing things like the kids toys, clothes and closests – just to keep ahead of the clutter
- making the bed (I’m just horrible at remembering to make the bed. I do it, but not always and I know its a big deal to him.)
- cleaning the kids room (I do do this, I just don’t notice how bad it is in there sometimes. Its a very SMALL room and always looks worse than it is.)
- take the garbage out (ugh, HIS job – period!)
The way I began looking at it was that he is the organizer, the behind the scenes tidyer-uper and I’m the on the scene immediate care. I spend the most time face to face with the children. they are my priority. Making sure they aren’t playing in dog pee and have clean clothes, dishes and room is important to me and we do NOT live in filth as my husband portrays. I may not be bleaching the tub everyweek and washing down walls, but I’m trying to at least maintain our space while we are here. And honestly, if the best I’ve given is only a C, I’m ok with that. Why? Because I enjoy my life, I enjoy the kids and cleaning is not at the top of my list of priorities. Cleaning up is, but not all the bells and whistle.
I’m sure I cannot change his mind. He thinks I’m a lazy slob. It pisses me off, it hurts me… it makes me want to run again. It seemed the very SECOND I started having feelings back for him, it turn on the criticism. I swear things are just easier when we ignore each other and do our own thing.
So, you might look at the list of things to do and think, that’s not too bad. You may even do more, like cleaning windows and washing drapes. I remember when it was just us and I enjoyed that type of cleaning.. but it just never seems that there is time for it. I’m always playing catch-up.
If you read all that – wow! Thanks!
Comments (8)
I read it all. Hopefully he will also read this and have some compassion on you.
I clicked on your husband’s blog and left him a message. I know how hard it is to keep the house up with small children around. It IS a never-ending job for sure. So, I think the chore chart is a good idea if it helps you. But I don’t think your husband should be leaving a list of things for you to do….you are his wife and partner…not his employee. I suggested to him on his blog that even though he apparently does things around the house, it might be nicer and wiser for him to do the things that drive him crazy. My husband is a very anal neat freak too…so I know. Ask him to clean the tub so he can work out his frustrations on scrubbing it clean. If you know that making the bed makes him happy, just do it. Get a comforter or quilt at Goodwill that is inexpensive and pull it up to the top of the bed, put the pillows on top and you are done. Make it a priority to run the dishwasher every other day…..if you do it right after you feed the kids breakfast and empty it when you fix lunch or a snack; it won’t be a big deal. Yes, spend as much time with your boys as you can especially in the summer ~ use that play park membership to the fullest. Having hot dogs or burgers or sandwiches a few nights a week is ok during the summer.
If the dog has become a real source of irritation not to mention peeing and pooping all over the house, it seems like a conversation about giving the dog away is in order.
If each of you try to give more than 100% ~ your efforts will overlap and you might find the tension goes down a notch. I have found that taking a breath before saying something negative really works too.
Right now, it sounds like both of you are trying to be RIGHT and have the last word…that doesn’t work very well. Instead of trying to come up with a retort, how about listening to each other instead….
I hope you know that I am not criticizing either of you ~ just trying to give you my suggestions based on 48 years of marriage. And, my husband was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer so a lot of our irritations don’t seem important any more..
Good luck.
If you have 2 little kids you chase after and keep well cleaned, fed, and happy – that’s enough.! (period exclamation point)
Oh! The dog either needs to live outside, be totally trained, or it needs to go! YOU need to spend your time on the kids, not cleaning up after the dog! It is wonderful you take care of the dog poop by the door! (poor pup! I like dogs!) 10 stars for poop cleaning!!!
I hate messes – but you know what? Kids make messes! Loving the kids is more important than hating the messes. You will train the kids as they get older to pick up their own toys – for fun and profit. But it looks like they are too young for that yet!
Oh! One thing about the bathtub! DO NOT ALLOW BAR SOAP IN THE BATH TUB! Use liquid soap! It will reduce the bathtub maintenance in more than half. Most of the tub scum comes from the bar soap!
Oh! Don’t pay any attention to me unless it helps! Just find a way to be happy!
Sounds like narcissistic personality disorder – the reality doesn’t matter, only the appearance.
I hope you two find some time to relax for a few days and nights… things are up tight right now — maybe a truce and some simple rules — like limit complaints to one task; one that can actually get done without major renovations to the existing home — and maybe go out all of you for some water ice. Chill time is good time.
@Hunt4Truth - NPD isn’t even hopeless. I don’t see that but even if; it can still work here for these young people.
Kids are a handful and when they are toddler, you must spend every waking moment watching over there or else they might cause trouble or become a danger to themselves, boys especially.
Chores should be secondary when it comes to raising kids.
Ask him to help out.
How much time do your family spend watching tv? Maybe once a week, have a family chore night and have everyone, including the kids help out.
Time to get the dog to be house-trained or make him an outside dog.
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