June 19, 2013
-
The more you go through, the more you have to offer.
I was driving home listening to my country radio station – because Country has the BEST love songs
- and I got to thinking about my feelings. It’s been a little while now since I starting feeling romantically and physically attracted to my husband… as well as being emotionally connected. As those love songs play, I no longer feel sad that I’m missing out… I’m actually thinking of him, day dreaming about him and remembering as I miss him. =]I’m not sure why this happened. I have felt moments where I was not ‘in love’, but this was different. WAY different. Whenever the flame fades, I can at least fall back on genuine love and rekindle romance. But, that wasn’t happening. I wasn’t able to do that. I was ready to walk, run… just get the hell out. As much as I knew I was hurting him, I couldn’t make myself feel anything. Again, I have no idea why it happened, which scares me a bit that I won’t be able to prevent it.
Maybe, hopefully, this was just something to learn from. I’m a firm believer in life lessons first hand being the best way to grow and mature. The more you go through, the more you have to offer. Maybe there will be a time in our marriage where my husband goes through this and I will know that me loving him unconditionally will win him back, as he did with me. Maybe someone else will feel how I felt and I’ll be able to encourage them that it won’t last forever and help them build their relationship back to a place where romantic love can be cultivated.
Today, I feel more hopeful in marriage than ever before. My fears that one day my husband will abandon me are so far gone… its kind of precious. I suppose over the years I’ve allowed some unhealthy fears into my heart concerning the constitution of marriage… I would even venture to say my in-laws divorce awakened those fearful thoughts. I’m amazed that Johnny didn’t bury himself in the painful rejection he was receiving and instead held tight to his love for me. It would have been easier to play the victim, to leave me to my own self destruction and cut me loose. He didn’t do that. He told me everyday that he loved me anyway. He gave me more than 100% in the house, with the children and in relationship even though my heart and response was cold and numb.
You know, there may be multiple reasons our marriage faced this crisis. We may not be able to point out one, two or three things we did to end up in such a place. But, at the end of this season… one thing is for certain – Johnny loves me. This is probably the best feeling of love, acceptance and trust I’ve ever had. Even when my own father felt rejected by me after I ran off to get married, he rejected me. In his pain he pushed me away, spoke ill of me and left me to my own. I will never forget this painful time… I will never forget that Johnny would choose me all over again every single time!!!
It’s not easy to love someone who does not return your love in the same way or same measure… love them anyway.
LOVE FEARLESSLY… I know Johnny taught me more about love than he probably even realizes.
Comments (17)
It is so good to be able to reflect on these times of trial and say, “This is what I’ve learned…” and often, those things we learn come as a surprise to us.
I’m happy for you and Johnny.
@jmallory - Thanks. Sometimes I get nervous thinking we are out of the woods, but then I remember that there is a plan… we are not just aimlessly going through our marriage. We’re growing and even if something else comes soon to shake things up again, we’re going to keep getting stronger – together. Thanks for your prayers and encouragement!
Cool! I am glad things are working out well for you! And I would guess – that your puzzlement over how your feelings just disappeared will likely give you empathy for others who might experience that same loss of feeling… You are a wiser you!
Awesome post!
Nice…I saw a FB post that reflected this sentiment yesterday and was happy for you!
I appreciate how you’ve explored your feelings here…its helpful for me as a man as I consider relationship with women in my life.
The parable of Lazarus and the rich man came to mind too. Jesus I gather told that parable in context of the topic of marriage and divorce, which is so like the crazy parables He tells. Whereas marriage is considered the most intimate human relationship, Jesus uses the relationship between two almost strangers, but highlights that its being able to see these simple/basic needs of the other (and different from our own needs) as perhaps the currency for any kind of relationship, maybe He’s suggesting including marriage relationship.
Thanks for so articulately sharing your inner exploration!!
@god_stories - I need to read that! I’m glad we are connected on Facebook… Are you sticking around for Xanga 2.0??
This blog was very hopeful and positive. I’m glad that you can find some good in what you two have gone through. I hope it gets even better.
This is awesome to hear – and if more marriages had this structure, of love unconditional and the willingness to work through issues and problems that life throw at us, I think the divorce rate would not be where it is right now.
Good for you and Johnny!
I can tell you why in a nutshell you feel as you do today, Because the Father in Heaven has made you feel this way. And has your husband this way also. Bro. Doc
This is what I was trying to convey before. Those feelings, although overwhelming and scary, are not the end. A marriage that lasts a lifetime weathers storms of this magnitude. Part of that weathering is battening down the hatches and waiting it out. If you bail in the middle, you miss the triumph and growth of coming out the other side.
It’s the reason we can’t let our emotions run our lives and guide our decisions.
I’m glad you are moving forward. There really is joy in knowing that you and another person have weathered storms together. Knowing that while parts of the relationship change, other new parts develop from trust, and they run much deeper than the early ones do.
Link.
A little gallows humor for ya.
@agnophilo - lol
@xXrEMmUsXx - I think it’s good to shine a light even on the unpleasant things – dark humor is sort of the sugar that helps the medicine go down.
But yeah, for every positive there is a negative, every cloud a silver lining. Find it and remember the storm always passes as surely as the nice warm day does. Enjoy em’ while ya can.
/sermon.
i think đông trùng hạ thảo will improve your health
@xXrEMmUsXx - Hi, I haven’t signed up yet…not sure if I will. While I’ve enjoyed the relationship with a few people I’ve met here (includes you), I started blogging mostly to get my ideas down. So I may just get another wordpress site to replace my xanga blog. I guess I need to make up my mind soon.
How about you?
btw – love that Merton quote in your wallpaper.
@god_stories - I love love love that quote! I’d get it tattoo’d on me if I had the cash!
if you go to worpress, let me know… I’ll add you. I haven’t started blogging there yet, but my blog is set up and ready to go… I’m going to wait Xanga out a bit and wait til I close this chapter to start a new one there.
It’s very good points that you mentions about marriage.
People, one or the other, will feel depress at one point, and will go through difficult moments and challenges.Many will give up, but the tough / strong ones will push on.There’s a reason why there are few successful and happy marriages that survive. Not everyone is willng to work on difficult things.