July 1, 2013
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We’re going to make it!
Our final marriage counseling session ended very well. We hadn’t really spoken about our ‘hiccup’ the night before. (see Johnny’s post about it here.)
We filled out some papers about the tools we had gained to solve problems etc. We celebrated our breakthroughs and focused on the good things we’ve taken from the process. Now we need to make sure we find somewhere to continue cultivating marriage growth. Possibly a class, or group where we get to focus on us every so often. There were 4 D’s that the wife of our counseling couple shared that I found helpful:
Distraction (letting other things take priority over your relationship and family commitments)
Division (what happens when you let other things take priority over your family and commitments -lol)
Disillusionment (that feeling of losing connection, romantic love, attraction and a desire to get out sneaks in)
Destruction (the final stage before Divorce)
She said that all marriages cycle through the first 3 stages; that is normal. Made sense to me. It took us 8 years before we ever got to stage 3, I’ll chalk that up as a pretty decent success! And, now that things are balancing out, we just have to remember that the lessons learned here were critical for taking hold and control of the success of our marriage. Not ever hiccup is to be treated as a means to an end – it’s not. It’s just a reminder that we are a normal couple, sifting through normal issues.
We have not had any infidelity in our marriage. No one has been abused physically and the minor jabs we’ve taken at each other with words don’t even compare to what I’ve seen other couples do to each other. There may come a time that we go through something even far more serious and painful than this. I believe, love will prevail. We have something special, the two of us. We’re going to make it!
Sexy back picture of man =]
Semi-Sexy pic of me =]
The most recent picture of us <3
Ok, now I need to mini-rant.
I’m just down right tired of hearing: ‘it’s your choice.’ Every single time I’m looking for a little support. Every single time something feels overwhelming. Ok, maybe not every single time… but more often than not…
me: “Man, it’s hard to balance family and running, I just feel so guilty going to the gym and running on days we both have off.”
him: “It was the choice you made.”
me: “I’m so tired, school is wearing me out… I feel like I have nothing left to give the kids and you.”
him: “oh well, it was your choice.”
me: “maybe I should quit school since it’s so hard on you.”
him: “it’s your choice.”
I don’t think he realizes how much I just need him to comfort me a bit. Instead his ‘your choice’ response makes me feel unsupported and disconnected. First, we made this decision together, we’re a team. Neither one of us have choices void of the other person. Secondly… I was encouraged to do both of the things I’m committed to by him – Marathon and School, but when things start feeling thin and stretched out, instead of taking responsibility for our choice as a couple, he puts it on me and that just increases my guilt. I didn’t start these things alone, it would be nice if I didn’t have to finish alone.
ok – mini-rant ended.
Comments (8)
I believe you will prevail too!
Sometimes the most important part of
a handling any form of disagreement is knowing that underneath the
frustration and confusion, there is love. I’ve always been rooting for
you guys. And this makes me smile real big.
As far as the
venting… I completely understand where you’re coming from. And I know
how important it is to feel supported in the things you do, and for it
to be seen as a joint decision. But let me offer a bit of a male
perspective. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t say those things in order to
make you feel guilty. To some men, saying that something is “your
choice” is really us telling you that we don’t want to control you or
have you feel like the things you want don’t matter. So the “your
choice” becomes, “you are free to choose it or not choose it”. Again,
this is just a guess. But he probably means it in a liberating way and
not an isolating way.
I wish you love and happiness always!!!
You guys should do some research on something called the
Feedback look
. It is useful and helps better facilitate communication between two people. For instance, when you say you feel guilty he would say something like:
“So I hear you saying you feel guilty. (STOP) OR I hear you saying you feel guilty when you [do this]. Tell me more about that.”
So, you feedback what the other person is saying, for clarification and to open. But the rule is you can only feedback. Then when one person is done, the other person does this. Oh, and this also includes the talked trying to stick with “I” messages and not “you” messages that blame the other person.
So happy to hear things are back on track.
Here is something I believe will always help a marriage.
First of all there should be a family time for the family to be together, whether the family is just a husband or wife, or with children.
I will tell you what we did when my wife was alive, we had family time at dinner. This way we all heard about each others day, and even addressed some problems.
When growing up, my Father had the same idea. To miss dinner unless for a very good reason, was a cardinal sin and you were in big trouble.
He always asked my sister and I and my Mother, about their day. We even solved problems over dinner.
This is where most people miss out because dinner is at any old time, and different hours for the family.
Most Church groups have marriage encounter session a few times a year. And those would be worth while to attend.
Best thing in the world is to pray daily for each member of the family and that the day is blessed.
And yes, special prayers for life long spouse because they carry the big burden running the family.
I will remember you in prayer and that your marriage will stay blessed. Bro. Doc
@MyxlDove - That is a very good explanation of the “mini-rant” That’s actually exactly how I feel, but put into words makes a lot of sense there. Great decoding!
@intelligence101 - glad I got some validation in my feelings there. too. not.
There will always be issues in marriage; it’s how you deal with it. Working together will resolve the problem easier than by one person.
Hopefully you will have less stress when the marathon is over.