July 2, 2013
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Why? Well because I’m forgetful. Why? I forgot.
I started a vlog, but my freaking phone was full halfway through the stupid thing, so now I’m more agitated. I don’t want to start over, but I also don’t want to type it all out.
I’m being nagged, as usual.
Why? Well because I’m forgetful. Why? I forgot.
I’m so tired of being forgetful. I fucking hate it. It’s the worst thing about me. I can’t remember special events, I can’t even remember to look at the calender to remind me. My phone goes off and then I forget a half hour later where I was supposed to be going. I’m sick of forgetting important things.
I sent my glasses to some random house in Griffith on accident because I forgot and mixed up my dad’s street name with our old one. Luckily my father went to the ‘random’ house and knocked on the door, described the package and was able to get it before they sent it back to the post office.
Earlier in the year I lost Johnny’s Harley title before I sent it off. It was a mess trying to fix that. I forgot about a ticket and ended up having to pay more for it since I totally missed the court date. I forgot to renew my license… that’s why I got the ticket. I forgot for a whole YEAR!!!!! Yep, was driving on a SUSPENDED and EXPIRED license with total peace of mind, why… because I FORGOT!
I keep forgetting to take the dog out before I go, and worse, I forget to close the bedroom doors because he likes to pee on the carpet. I swear I shut them… I do. I must forget something in the bedroom before I go and reopen them. I even took pictures of me shutting the doors thinking maybe the dog has figured out how to open them or someone is playing a trick on me.
So here I sit, a failure. A failure at something that comes so easily to my husband. I’m a task commitment failure. I swear he never forgets anything important, minor or down right stupid. He remembers random numbers out of the blue. I had to study my bank account number and still forget it. I often have to ask him what MY social security number is because once I have to start writing other numbers down I just can’t remember.
I wish I could give you a snapshot of my brain. I will attempt in words. My brain seems to operate like a race track, only none of the cars go in the same direction and there are no actual signals or rules to obey. As you can imagine the chaos of cars at their max speed just driving wherever they want… there are a lot of thought collisions, lots of thoughts that never make it out of the gate without being hammered by a faster more interesting thought, or just a random distracting thought. Every once in a while a brilliant thought will start in a direction with the right momentum and magnetism to gather all the other thoughts to follow and somehow avoid the rest of the mess on the road. I like to call these brilliant thoughts, Passion. Passionate thoughts are powerful and able to restrain other thoughts… but they are rare and sometimes die before I really get to ride them out. I will sometimes try and focus on a thought that intrigues me, or even on a thought I know i have to pursue, meanwhile I can’t get any of the other cars to stop… I can’t organize them to make any sense and everything just kind of happens as it wills and the chaos continues. A freaking racetrack with unending loops and cars driving off the edge taking out other cars… explosions and car parts flying everywhere.
In all seriousness. This is truly my largest battle as a writer, mom, wife, friend… student. If I could just get my brain to function with organization and efficiency… I don’t know that I would be so creative and fun, but at least my husband would stop thinking I’m irresponsible. I just wish for a day he could try on my brain. And forget about my emotions, he couldn’t even handle that mixed in!
I know this sound stupid, but I’m crying. I can’t handle it anymore. I’m not negating responsibility, I’m forgetting under the pressure… I’m forgetting under distraction of other things… the kids, school… interesting things that tie up my thoughts.
Oh what I’d give to be a mindful person. I try so hard to remember the things that are important to others. Birthdays, parties, commitments told to me in advance… I’m just horrible at it. Then I write myself notes and lose them in the chaos of what looks like a purse but is really a receipt trash bag. When I go to the grocery store, if I forget my list I might as well just drive back home and start all over. And I forget my list A LOT!
How sad is it that this whole last month I was embarrassed to ask my husband if my sons’s birthdays were on the 28th or the 29th?
Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to remember after your close friend’s birthday that not only did you forget about her surprise party but you didn’t even say happy birthday on FB. Talk about feeling like a horrible person.
Comments (13)
ouch… that must smart
@Hunt4Truth - huh?
I was empathizing — I feel your hurt
When I start feeling that busy, I start asking myself if there are things I can trim off my plate. I also now write post-its and type thing I need to do/get into my phone. But yeah, lately I have started calling people after their birthday or after fathers day.
It sounds like you have two small kids to raise! Those are the symptoms! Everytime you start to think about something – a kid starts bouncing off the walls – just because they are kids! And you are a mom! Cut yourself some slack – just try.
@Donkey_Guy_10 - I was like this before kids too =/ Kids certainly made it way way worse. I cut myself slack and even accept this about me. I’m always warning others that when I forget or if I forget not to take it personal, i’m a very distracted person. It doesn’t help my husband though… no apology suffices.
@Doubledb - lol, I wish post its and lists on my phone did the trick… I try. I can’t help the busy right now. The kids can’t be given away, the money is already being used for school not to finish… and like I said, I’ve already cut out MOST of my Marathon training, now i’m basically just ‘staying’ fit which is an important part of life and taking care of our bodies. Nothing to cut. Already cut friends. Already cut family. It SUCKS!
I don’t want to be a scaremonger, but it’s possible that it
could (and I stress could
) be symptoms of early-onset alzheimers: http://www.brightfocus.org/alzheimers/about/symptomsandstages.html?gclid=CKS399aUkbgCFVJp7AodOF4ADA
It may be worth looking into it, if only for the peace of mind that perhaps you really are forgetful.
Good luck.
@cmdr_keen - I looked into it, but this doesn’t describe me :
Individuals with MCI have persistent memory problems (for example, difficulty remembering names and following conversations and marked forgetfulness) but are able to perform routine activities without more than usual assistance.
I forget routine activities due to distraction… not sure its the same….??? It also says you become slow learning. I’m still sharp, as long as I’m interested.
We are given different brain capacity at birth, nothing we can do about make the best of it.
You remember some stuff, just not everything.
Hopefully, you’re not distracted, meaning that something’s always on your mind, and you just neglect everything else.
I suggest writing things down on paper AND putting it on your computer or phone. Repetition will help you to remember things better.
Try brain exercise; activity that helps improve memory. There are many books with such activity on it.
Was your memory better before being a mom?
I can’t remember people’s name or faces, but i remember people’s number.
@xXrEMmUsXx - Good stuff
I work with the elderly frequently, so it’s something that is raised all the time.
Glad you’re fine – just distracted
Have you gone to a doctor about it? Because if it’s that big of a deal, then it could be something wrong? Or maybe you have ADD?
Thanks for your comment to my blog, your life is seriously impacted and I hope you tough it out and not make any fatal mistakes.
Good luck in your ventures, I appreciate that you try hard to do the right thing.