April 10, 2013
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As my thoughts trudge on today... I'm met with disappointment. After taking so much on myself this morning and trying to learn how to handle what is at the moment, I feel this utter depletion of myself. I recognize this feeling as the haunting feeling from childhood. That feeling when my dad forget 90% of his promises... the feeling when the family was on our way to some big family event and plans would come crashing to a screeching halt when my mother suddenly had a migraine or my father's sugar was low. It is the feeling I've lived with most of my life holding onto hope so that some silver lining could emerge through the poverty, illnesses and general fear that plagued my family and kept us from fulfilling normal family obligations. While I think I will always be a ray of hope in the darkest of times... it seems to be my nature... i cannot escape the looming feeling of disappointment nor dismiss it's ability to drag me deeply beyond normal thinking patterns.
I can tell in my writing that i'm feeling things deeply. My word choice is flowing and it is easy to sound intriguing.
Why my pain produces writing so well, I've never understood... but I will ride the train in hopes of revealing something helpful....
So I am not perfect, obviously. I have wrestled from time to time with lust - pornography. It's never a constant. It is never something I hide or sneak around to do. I just tend to stumble upon it like a moron and follow it to some pleasure that never really satisfies any real need. It generally just leaves me realizing how tantalizingly useless it is. And then I wonder why I even waste my time.
Well, somehow that led me to a blog after I was already somewhat emotionally overcharged.
I simply messaged Johnny "you give up too easily". He never responded. It was mid chatting too... so I'm not sure why he didn't respond.
I read this here: (the whole blog is a great read - you should check it out)
Fight To Increase Your Wife’s Beauty
1 Peter 3 says that the women of old made themselves beautiful by not fearing that which is fearful. When a man loves his wife in an understanding way and fights for her to be unafraid, she becomes more beautiful. In this way, a man loves himself by loving his wife (Eph 5:28). The more beautiful your wife is to you, the more you’ll enjoy her, and the less likely you’ll be to look elsewhere (Prov 5:18-20).
I apologize, I did not look up the scriptures.
You know... the disappointment I felt after reading that was stabbing. I wept quietly, so as to not concern my son Levi who hadn't fallen asleep for his nap yet. My breaths were so deep I thought I might hyperventilate if I didn't just wail in pain.
I'm not entirely sure what I'm so disappointed about, but I certainly wish Johnny would start trying instead of just 'waiting'. He is losing my affection, and even though it kills him... it won't move him. It makes absolutely no sense to me. And this is what lead me to my ignorant night out at the bars with my sister and her b/f's friend, whom i drunkenly touched his thigh one too many times. I just desperately want to know what it is that made me so willing to let go of my inhibitions and, essentially, let something go so wrong to bring change that wouldn't normally happen if I had not gone haywire. Alcohol, yes... BUT, obviously my head was in the wrong place to start if a sweet mother of 2 young boys sees fit to go prancing around a bar taking shots from anyone buying.
I literally gave you everything I had
it's how I am
all of me
i do not hold back
I gave you every ounce of everything i knew
i lived for you
your happiness
your world
I was just happy to cheer you on
I don't know why that did not suffice
in the long run
I suppose i died
something must have woke me
saved me
and opened my eyes
but it's all too confusing to recognize
i'm lonelier than ever
and for the first time I don't fear myself
i feel strong in my solitude
though i wonder how
and if I'm allowed
maybe it is this inner strength that ruined us
gave me new hope i could go on alone
why did i want that in the first place
oh yes, i remember
I was starving for space
you had taken my dreams and made them a mockery
so I hid alone in the bathroom with the razor
trying to understand my own behavior
Comments (3)
Hon, when start reverting to old ways of thinking and being you are beginning handle things or not handle things just like you did when you were a kid.
Back in Sept. 2012 we were completely redoing my store's showroom floor. I had a crew of visual merchandizers from surrounding stores in my region. I'm theater people so I love when I get to hang out with artists of all kinds. One is a really good artist in his own right. I was also going through the worst period of my relationship with my now ex-fiancé.
I don't know what I did to this guy, I didn't hit on him or anything, and I certainly wasn't aware of anything sexual, but something got him accusing me of being gay. That's a first for me in over 20 years. I had to sit down and look at my relationship with Miranda. When I did that I could see I was being dragged back into old ways of being and relating. I was feeling like I felt with my dad and my when I was a kid. When I finally confronted Miranda and stopped the old bad ways of dysfunction with my dad, then all the old stuff just left. I have never in my life had that kind of experience, and I never will again.
I will not be dragged back to the "old" me. No one has the right to do that to me, and no one else gets the power to do that. I am a new creation in Christ, and no one gets to make me feel like my dad and uncle made me feel like when I was a little kid. That I was not in control, and I had to just go along with whatever important people in my wanted. That isn't love, and I don't and won't settle for someone else pushing me around like they did when I was a kid. When I dealt honestly with Miranda, and let her know she couldn't control and manipulate me, I was back from the old "dead" me. I straightened right out, and whatever I was doing that gave off a wrong "vibe" was over.
No one has the right to push us back to the old us. Christ has made us new, and we have to hold that line. There is never a relationship that deserves me being destroyed. I didn't have any gay desires, really, but allowing someone to push me back into patterns and behaviors from childhood started producing the same results my childhood produced in me. I'm not saying your case is like mine, but I'd strongly suggest you start seeing if what I'm talking about is going on for you. I'm NOT telling you anything about your marriage or what you should do. BUT no one has the right to push you into old patterns of thinking, being and doing.
And just so you know I've started hanging out with a wondeful lady from church. Don't know what will be, but I like her.
This is all very personal. I would bet lack of attention would be the biggest disappointment. Sometimes you have to walk the valley before you can climb the mountain.
Reading this takes me back to a darker time. Someone from church told me that when a husband stops watering his wife's heart with love, she withers up inside like the dried out husk of an old flower. And dies. I think that is how it feels.
When we struggled, I knew that my husband loved me but he wasn't communicating it. If you can't communicate that love to be felt by the one it is meant for, it doesn't do them much good.
That is one of the things it has taken me the longest to learn how to do. For my husband, he doesn't really need all the romantic lovey-dovey stuff. His needs revolve more along the lines of feeling respected. For me, yes, I want respect. But I truly need to feel loved. If I don't feel loved, I don't feel respected either. When he doesn't feel respected, he doesn't feel loved at all. It would have saved me so much heart ache if I'd known how to effectively convey that from the get-go.
You both are in my thoughts and prayers.
*hugs*