April 10, 2013
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I have officially failed him
And these are the days I like the least.
Even if I'm ridden with emotion uncontrolled
at least it's me and not him.
I want to take away all the pain, hurt and rejection
I want to love him back to ease
the problem is my heart is still not listening
it won't respect the decision my mind has made
in all the things I do from day to day
without the connection love once made
they feel empty
without feeling the magic holding his hand
that smile that graced my face as he spoke my name
things just shut off
I'm trying to turn the damn switch back on
"HURRY HURRY" I say...
"Don't damage the relationship any further."
dig deeper, find something new if you have to
but for the sake of your family...
something has to give
you are responsible
you made a lifelong commitment
for better or worse
so.... i stick out these bad days and pray
I pray that he will not be hurting
I pray that his heart is protected
his gentle, kind... tender heart that he gave to me
i have officially failed him.
I can love him, as I do...
but that magic that made us special left
and I can't find it again.
Comments (17)
I hope the counseling will help.
@musterion99 - tomorrow is the first day. You know... i think I took the magic for granted... If it ever returns... I will NEVER let go.
@xXrEMmUsXx - I hope it returns.
@musterion99 - we're all pulling for it to... funny thing though... it doesn't seem to just do that because you want it to... I'm not sure why.
Again you are so insperational. This reminded me of Jordans aunt and uncle. For years they were not happy together but stuck it out. They slept in seperate beds at the time and stuff. Eventually they worked their problems out and are really really happy now.
@Foodhog - I keep thinking that maybe this is just something for us to overcome... so that we will be better than ever. That there is something here to learn and its just a part of the process. I suppose that is my positive side trying to at least gain something from the pain and hope for things to change.
@xXrEMmUsXx - Emotions, especially love, can be very complicated. As you probably know, there are 3 different Greek words for love. One is a love of friendship, one of emotions, and one of the will apart from emotions which is agape. God agape loves us, not because we deserve it, but because he willingly chose to. Sometimes when emotions aren't there, we can still willingly choose to love and the emotions will follow. But sometimes this can still be a complicated process and we need outside help such as good counseling.
@musterion99 - yes, i have studied love in all the forms biblically. What I'm baffled of is the romantic love... because loving Johnny in all the other ways does not seem to matter to him. He says I love everyone that way.
@xXrEMmUsXx - In a marriage, all three are important.
Magic, what a fleeting thing. It comes and goes and what lasts is the commitment to be there when the magic is no where to be found. I am so proud of you for staying together even when it's hard. I'm proud of you for keeping the hope that things can change. I'm proud of you to be willing to work for it. No matter how many times you fail, it's the recognition of your failure and the ability to dust yourself off and try again that matters to most.
My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years and most of it has been a struggle. The main thing I've learned (even within the last month) is to be the person he needs me to be...to be the person he can open up to and share things with without any judgement, to be the person who is going to be kindest to him when the world isn't or even when I want to scream at him. If you and your spouse can learn to be that for each other, I suspect things could vastly improve.
@kuai_le1011 - that whole tingly in love feeling as always been find-able, even if i didn't notice it was gone for a little while. This time it is not in sight. So while I call it magic or whatever, it was a very real part of our connection that is lost... and has been for a good month. it was fading for some time and I would do all I could to keep it alive - seemingly alone.
our 8 year anniversary is in 12 days. we both share openly... ridiculously openly. I've always been the one and only person he has opened up to. I have never judged the the things he told me... even though to him they were nearly unspeakable. I'm not that kind. I just feel honored to be trusted with anything and everything about someone. it is far more complicated then that.
I'm terrified, as I've never lost the 'magic' before.
I hope you can recover those sparks soon.
@thegunslingergirl - men, me too... if there is a secret formula.. please tell me. <3
@xXrEMmUsXx - I solemnly swear, if I ever find the secret formula, you will be the first person I will share it with. <3 We are all rooting for you and your relationship to recover and heal!
@xXrEMmUsXx - My husband and I were married because I got pregnant (we had known each other for a short time) so the tingly magic was not there in the beginning. We were poor and I got pregnant 8 weeks after the first was born. He also has battled with addiction his whole life which has made our marriage stressful. It has been so hard to keep it together. This is how I know it can be found, I promise you, even in the toughest situations, even if it was never there to begin with. You two were fortunate enough to have that strong connection for such a long time.
I guess the way to finding it again depends on each couple as no two are alike.
How have you failed him? Maybe you really have not failed him and you think you have.
Being married is not always easy. It will not be a bed of roses, nor will each day be a happy one. You may have stressful days where you think you have failed him. But you have not.
But when you start having those those and keep having those thoughts your marriage will be heading the wrong way, because you will begin to think your your the one at fault when your not.
One other thing to do whether you really mean it all the time, is say I love you, at least once a day. Bro. Doc
*hugs*