April 10, 2013
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i'll take the couch tonight
I should be sleeping, but I just got back from coffee with a friend.
I'm tired... I just don't want to go lie in bed with him at the moment. The couch looks suitable.
I'm trying. I'm literally forcing myself to stay positive. This is when my emotions just die and I go into survival mode.
And at this point, I think I'm the bad guy...
Depending on the day, my perspective of my marriage, myself and johnny can be very different. Tonight my friend said I'm taking all the blame. Look, I don't care who is to blame, I just want him to be happy, me to be happy and life to go on. I don't want to neglect responsibility for anything I've failed to do or have done. And I don't think he wants to either. So I will take my share of the blame, I will take it all if helps anything.
He was mad at me tonight. He bought a Harley about a month or so ago. We didn't have the money to send off the title and insure it right away. Well, I was supposed to send off the title today, but I can't find it. Last place he saw it was on the microwave, last place I saw it was on the table - who saw it last, i don't know... but it is my responsibility. I'm not sure why, it is his bike. He thinks I was procrastinating getting the insurance on it, but he told me we didn't have the money yet. I already got the quote for the insurance... what more could I do until he said 'ok, the money is there'.
I love how when he is stressed, I get all the blame for everything. Everyone that knows us knows I'm forgetful. While its not an excuse, don't expect me to remember something that isn't either written down or... written down. and.... even that isn't a guarantee I will notice. I need reminders. Sometimes alarms go off on my phone and I forgot to title the alarm and can't remember why i set it in the first place. I'm a scatterbrain. I'm good at a lot of other things... organizing and following through with a to-do list isn't my strong suit. I go from room to room getting distracted and forgetting what I came for in the first place, then doing something else. It could be a holiday and I have no idea until the middle of the day. I try to make lists and keep calenders. It helps, but it still does not cure my wondering mind.
So, I'm back to just being numb. I guess I still was anyway.
I'm going to stop trying to write the poem I've deleted 3 times. I just don't have it in me. That makes me angry too... I want to say what I'm thinking. Make sense of something. Now I'm just agitated and ready for something to give. but... I will continue just trying not to feel too much and carrying on.
My 2 mile run today was good. Gave me an accomplishable goal.
Comments (12)
Summer I am so sorry. You have such energy, a beautiful outlook, insights and wisdom beyond your very young years. You are a standard for others when their strength for the battles of life is failing. You encourage those who are down, and believe for others when no one else does. You don't have that for yourself right now, and that is honestly heart breaking. You are rightly named Summer, Miss Sunshine. I don't know what the answer for you is right now, but I know God has an answer for you, and I know he will lead you.
The way God leads doesn't always look good, but it is the good way to go, or he wouldn't lead us that way. Remember what David said, in Psalm 23, "God even if you lead me through the valley of the shadow of death, you are there with me. Sometimes the road God leads us down just looks like death, but God never leads us to death, God always leads us through. Don't rely on what you can see little sister. You are an NF, like me, and we read between the lines, don't we? We have always seen what is there that others can't see. Right now you can't see, but keep looking for God to show himself in your situation, because he will. You know he will, because you've seen him working in the lives of others when they couldn't see it themselves, and you encouraged them when it looked like death for them. God is leading you, but you can't see it yet.
@Such_are_you - It is sooo HARD not being able to see what I normally see so easily... I have a subtle peace knowing God has never not given me something remarkable applicable through every struggle... I worry more for Johnny.
Thank you for this. It's like you know me so well somehow... =]
When I raced on Sunday some guy said "You got this sunshine," I love when people see my sunniness =]
It is good to not put all of the blame on your spouse. However, going to the other extreme of taking all of the blame won't put things right either. I tried that, and it nearly killed me. It was like a slow poison in my heart that made me more and more depressed. Own what is yours but don't take on more than that.
I know how hard it can be when you can't see the road ahead and the smallest straw breaks the camel's back. What normally are small inconveniences, like misplacing paperwork, become big full-blown issues. For me and my husband, I am the one who usually keeps track of the day-to-day things, paperwork, and the like since my husband is always misplacing things and forgetting. We ended up striking a deal - I would deal with more of the scheduling and the like and he would stop getting upset with me if he forgot or misplaced something that he didn't run past me first. I don't know if something like that would help in your situation. But it might be worth trying
*hugs*
@xXrEMmUsXx - I'm an ENFP, it's how we roll!! And you are sunshine!! And I know you're greatest concern is for Johnny, I'll add my prayers to yours.
May God make his face to shine upon you, and bless you!
First off who gives a flying f*** about who is to blame. Blame only clouds your judgement and the situation. Also say you figure out who is to blame, then what? You still have not found a solution. In the end your relationship with Jonny is where it is because of differences with in yourselves. Things won't always be perfect but for now it is effort that matters most. Of course both of you guys will have slip ups such as he and the insurance thing. Jordan and I use to fight a lot but now if the other person is being rude or belittling or whatever we point it out to them right away. Also I realize the title is important but worse comes to worse couldn't you get a new one somehow?When you guys had kids and said I do, that made your love forever but a title is just a materialistic thing that one day can be found or replaced. I hope this all blows over and you guys get the title. Also congrats on the Harley. My mom ans step dad are really into motorcycles. They actually hate Harleys but I remember when my step dad got his first motorcycle, he was like a kid at Christmas. I was never able to get into it they scare the hell out of me.
@firetyger - because I stay home with the kids (I haven't always, and it still fell on me), he won't deal with anything other than online bill paying. If it can't be paid online, it is my responsibility to take care of it. It is a shame too because it's a constant issue between us. I never know what is going on with money and he just gives me orders that I forget... leads to lots of nagging and blaming each other. I don't mind running errands, but he expects me to get all kinds of things like that done with my toddlers. they are finally at an age where it is at least a possibility to run in somewhere without having to carry them both while they cry.
I start school in less than weeks. It will be evening classes and saturdays. He is really going to have to step up and do half the parenting in the evenings now alone. The load will be much heavier on him, but really... it will be lighter on me for a change. School probably won't be easy, but the crap I deal with at home isn't easy... so I'm looking forward to some time outside of the house. It is only a few hours a night. I still get my full summer days with my kids. I'm a little worried about the state of our marriage and me being out of the house mostly when he is home. I don't know if it's going to keep me separated or make me miss him.
anyway... sorry i rambled there.
@Foodhog - I'm not a blame gamer, probably why if he needs someone to blame... I'm more than happy to just take the heat. Now I wasn't always that way... but in our marriage I just want to keep things peaceful. I know blame is no matter really. If someone can't learn from something and accept responsibility then they are at the loss.
He woke up this morning all chipper and then asked if I was upset with him. I just said he was very short last night when he was irritated so I've avoiding the issue. He asked me what i plan to do about the title. I said nothing, call my dad, he can help you figure it out. It is not my responsibility. So I'm sure he's irritated further, but I'm not dealing with it this time when its not a pending issue. I have Dr. appointments to make for the kids, dentist appointments. School supplies to try and corral together... school clothes to thrift shop for since there is a strict dress code my closet only has 2 items to cover! lol.
No wonder I'm in love with running these days... get me the hell out of here! =]
@Such_are_you - It is so neat when you reply with such insight into me... it makes me wonder if that is how I make other people feel =]
I have no idea what is up with you guys, is it just taking stress out on each other?
@agnophilo - eh... its more than that mark. i dont think the problem with us is sumable with one point... although there is probably a couple predominant issues that the stressers trigger.
Blame should be shared equally. But true love willingly takes all blame. Good job on the run!
@xXrEMmUsXx - Know thyself, figure out why you feel the way you do and if you can, resolve it. But don't bury your emotions - better to have a fight and clear the air then to just let it fester. Feelings always come out eventually in one form or another.
Wish I could do more to help.