April 25, 2013
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“This is too much work.”
We just got home from an explosive ‘after counseling’ argument that got way out of hand.
Johnny said things like…
“This is too much work.”
“You have too many needs.”
“You’re the one with all the problems.”
“You’re a constant reminder that I’m failing. You know I hate to fail.”
Ok. So, I really haven’t been able to think through things. I know I wanted to write immediately after the conversation, but I had to put the kiddos to bed and Johnny fell asleep during that time. I had time to think and all… but the reality of it just kind of faded as my headache and nausea increased. I just wanted to run… to go out in the pitch black and run until I collapsed.
The counselors brought up the ‘dog’ issue. And Johnny basically shut down.
I could tell he was upset, but there was no forcing him. He got real honest in the car though and things went bad FAST.
So fast that he is basically done, at least that is what he is saying right now.
I know things are stressful right now. Money just got crazy tight and now we are behind on our mortgage with credit cards maxed out. I’m about to start school Monday. Things are looking really hard and strenuous. Maybe he is just having a hard time – BUT… that is what counseling is for. So my issue is that he was dead silent through all of it, but then just lost it in the car when I asked him what was wrong. He was mad that I was honest about how the dog pees in the house. Apparently that made us sound ‘dirty’. Look, I dont’ sugar coat very well… and I’m PISSED that my house gets PISSED in. The dog fight is long running and he never takes my concerns seriously. I take his seriously though, otherwise I would have gotten rid of the dog already. (I’m not sure if I’ve blogged about the dog fights before.)
The counselors brought up the dog because I got a little heated about it when it came up for a second in the last session and it was clear that it’s a problem for me. They basically just told us we need to work together to get the dog trained so everyone can be happy and we can have a happy dog that everyone can handle. But Johnny doesn’t want to train the dog he just wants me to deal with it. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being bit, I’m tired of cleaning pee off my couch that was so nice. The floor is shot from him… sure, our house is still cute, but it’s just damaged now. Sure I clean it, but it’s still taken a beating and it’s a constant problem and hassle to clean. All because Johnny wants an animal that he doesn’t want to have to take the time to play with or train properly. I’m willing to do the work, but he says he is giving 100% and has nothing left to give.
I’m just confused. I don’t know why we are trying to adjust and meet each others’ needs if he thinks we are already giving all we have…
My eyes are hurting… my jaw is hurting from clenching it for the last 5 hours.
And I’m emotionally drained because we touched on the topic of Johnny’s mom and my relationship falling apart… I’m not ready for that session next week.
I swear Johnny was so checked-out that I’d be surprised if he even heard that part.
I knew something was wrong. I knew I should have called him out in the session… It was just that neither one of us talked much. The counselors shared a lot this week and we kind of listened more I guess.
I just wish he would stop thinking I’m the only one who has problems. He thinks that me addressing things is so frustrating… I don’t understand. I’m ‘dealing’ with it when I address it. His idea of dealing si ‘forgetting’ just ‘getting over it’. I cannot, and will not operate that way. He has a lot going on inside that he just doesn’t talk about. I’m his wife. I know what his fears are, what pains him… I’m well aware of the things he hides in his heart… at least as aware as I can be without him talking about them. I have to read between the lines. BUT GOSH I WISH HE’D JUST SUCK UP HIS PRIDE AND SPIT IT OUT AT THE SESSIONS! If he doesn’t start getting honest with himself, me and the counselors.. of course it’s going to look like i’m the only one who has problems or is addressing anything. I think it is clear that I’m not a perfect wife, so please… just say what you’re thinking man!!!
ok… that’s all I have right now. Time for bed.
Comments (35)
(((hugs)))
I am going to say this from what I just read it seems your husband is to blame for everything and I didn’t read one place here where you took the blame for anything.
There is a way to get the dog not to pee where you don’t want it too. They do may a spray that will tell the dog to not pee there.
I am going to say this prayer is needed by the both you this means, you need to stop and pray and blaming him.
Wish he would right his side of the story.
I do not think marriage counselors work well anyway.
You really should see the Pastor and let him do the counseling you would be far more done if that happened.
Being a Preacher I know what I am saying.
But the way things are going your going to end up the way you don’t want to end up. Bro. Doc
@BroDoc - have you read my other guilt laden posts about what a horrible wife I feel like I am??? Sorry BroDoc, but I take blame that isn’t mine more often than not.
I do wish my husband would write his side of the story… unfortunately, this is my perspective, as it only can be. I’m not able to speak for him.
and tonight…. tonight he was the one who gave up. tonight he was the one who put all the blame on me telling me I was too much to handle. tonight he was weak. tonight he was unable to shoulder the burden. tonight he made me feel small and incapable.
this is my blog, my pain. my view. it may not be perfect. I may not be right… but that is the very reason i share my heart… my words… I have no problem admitting being wrong, in fact, that is where I learn the most.
these are just my honest words. my honest feelings and me.. written, in word. exposing myself.
tonight I could not take the blame when all I heard was how he was done with me.
I feel like this response was lacking so much in understanding me as a blogger. I know you have responded to my blogs before, but have you read them? have you followed the story at all???
I have read some of what you have posted. Up until now I have been quiet.
Being a preacher, sometimes people do not want to hear what I have to say, because I am one of these kind of preachers thatt ell it like it is.
One has to stop blaming themselves for being a horrible wife/husband etc.
None of us are perfect.
Not even me.
What you should do if you have not, is pray for a change to happen and ask your husband to pray with you.
I have no faith in secular Marriage Counselors. I think a Preacher doing the Counseling on Marriage is the best way too go. He/she can give you hope through the Scripture and a better way out.
It appears to me that maybe the dog is one of the biggest problems in your marriage.
Like I said, some of this dog spray that is suppose to keep them out of where you don’t want them would work.
I have followed as much of your story as I can.
When you get to know me better, you will find that I have read them before I answer.
And what I have answered too I have read.
And even if I have read something sometimes I feel it is not my place to say anything.
If I have made a mistake in what I read here tonight and answered then I am sorry.
Sometimes when reading things we take things the way we see them. This is why at times I dislike the printed page because you don’t know what the other person really had in mind.
But again if I made a mistake here, I am sorry.
I know I have not read everything on your subject, I have read some. And have made a few comments.
But the best thing to do and pray that Our Heaven Father will fix things in your marriage.
And you will be on my prayer list and our Assemblies. Thank you for taking the time to answer me. Bro. Doc
it sounds as if that dog has really got to go. you’re stressed out enough as it is, and you have the kids and your failing marriage to deal with on top of the messy mutt. if he doesn’t want to help with the dog then don’t keep putting yourself through that crap. it’d be one less burden to bear. maybe getting rid of it would be the wake up call it sounds like he really needs.
@BroDoc - I’m sorry if I was snippy. Last night was horrible for me. And as usual, Johnny just goes to sleep and leaves me up all night muddling through the mess – alone.
Our counselors are biblically trained. They are directly under our pastors and the leaders of the marriage ministry at our church. I wrote a blog about that too… and how it didn’t go so well from the get go.
I understand one can’t read all of a blogger, and you only get a glimps of what really goes on in each other. I just felt like you really missed it in your response. Last night was not how things typically go… and while those i love have blamed johnny and say it ‘seems’ like it is all him… I know better. he put all the blame on me last night. in my opinion, blame brings no growth and is foolish. I could care less who did what wrong.. i just want to see growth.
@Love_in_102 - you know, that would sound like the right answer…. but i do respect his love and attachment to his ‘best firend’. he’s a dog lover and he feels very differently about animals then I do. I’ve begged and pleaded, cried and screamed over getting rid of this dog. it is not an option. it’s just not. it is like his child, his own flesh and blood…
@xXrEMmUsXx - so then why are you the one responsible for cleaning up after it?
You can only be your best. Reread that.
If you know you are giving your best you are not a “bad” or “good’ wife. The simple fact that he is going make me think he is trying. It is different for men. It is harder for men to accept the fact that they have failed you. Women can accept and try to fix it. Men tend to want to forget it and never face it and just move on with the problems in the background. But he is going …. he is working on it…. it might have turned into a fight but these fights might be clearing the air and moving you in the direction of starting over.
Hang in there. You are the “Perfect wife”…See a bad wife would have just left but you stayed and you are trying!
@Love_in_102 - that was the discussion last night… he is too tired to clean up after the dog. well I’m to tired to make him dinner, lunch and breakfast (all three he eats a homecooked me)… i’m too tired to put the kids to bed, to get up in the middle of the night when they wake up crying. I’m too tired to have sex. I’m too tired to mop the floor… i’m just as tired.
When school starts, I think it will make more sense to him since he will have the kids all day saturday and mon-thurs alone at night.
@xXrEMmUsXx - exactly! it’s a double standard. but yeah, hopefully it’ll give him a wake up call when he has to have them on his own for a while, along with the dog.
@Jst4e - thank you. this was good. it was true… and honest and hopeful. I know fights can really lead us to resolutions and answers. so I’m hanging in here! maybe it needed to blow up.
honestly, last week and through the week the counselors kept saying how easy the fix was… i remember thinking “man, i don’t think you’ve seen us at our worst yet.” I felt like we were just going through counseling and nothing was really being resolved except a couple helpful tips.
it’s just that when it gets this ugly, it starts to make us both scared that there is no help for us.
I think there is… I just hope this is the right help.
@xXrEMmUsXx - I do too honey! You are in my thoughts and prayers
@xXrEMmUsXx - I will say one thing. Don’t stay up all night trying to figure it out. Give it to Yahvah and let Him handle it, and you will do fine.
If you knew all that I had to read here and in email, in snail mail etc. lol you would wonder how I keep it straight.
You can be the Presiding General Overseer of our Organization. But I try.
And I still have not gotten use to the layout of here.
In the other social site, you could block out all those that were your direct contacts and friends, also when you read someone’s blog it went away.
At times it is overwhelming with so much too read.
I know I miss things, and sometimes with all the work I forget some of what I have read.
lol. need to become two people. Have a blessed day, and I understand where your coming from. Bro. Doc
Sorry to hear that. I hope after some time he will realize where he is wrong and needs to change also.
Someone want to get lil’ Johnny a pacifier. I am sorry for what I am about to say. Typical post modern tool. Love is a choice, not a feeling, Love doesn’t always feel good. When Jesus died on a cross it didn’t feel good. Good job Johnny boy, you laid out expectations for your wife, but life isn’t about your expectations. Life is about how you can build up, raise up, support up, promote up your wife and children. Read Proverbs 31 dumba**!!! All the great things the wife does in Proverbs 31, do you think a woman in ancient Jewish culture was trained to do those things? I can tell you, no Jewish father ever taught or enabled his daughter do the things the woman does in Proverbs 31. IT WAS THE HUSBAND who enabled, trained, encouraged, built up, and believed in his wife so she could be successful. Part of the Bible’s way for a man; a husband to be successful is to raise his wife and children up to SUCCEED! You want to be a success as a man in God’s eyes, douche bag??? You have to pursue your wife’s success!!!
Johnny you are a LOSER!!!!! You’re wife and children are your greatest test. Lead your family to success and you will be a man after God’s heart you piece of S***!
I don’t have a problem with people telling you to pray about your marriage, but don’t give up on counseling unless you’re really ready to give up entirely. I can tell you that some priests will counsel you to stop complaining, do whatever your husband wants and try harder to please him because you must not be living up to your duties as a God-ly wife or he wouldn’t be so frustrated. At least, that’s what they told my mom about her alcoholic husband. Through counseling you will identify what it is you want, and what you don’t want, and you may find in the end that what you don’t want is to remain married to this man. A person has to want to change for themselves, not just to make someone else happy. I hope you two work things out. Hang in there.
“he just wants me to deal with it. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being
bit, I’m tired of cleaning pee off my couch that was so nice. The floor
is shot from him… sure, our house is still cute, but it’s just damaged
now. Sure I clean it, but it’s still taken a beating and it’s a
constant problem and hassle to clean.”
Is the problem really the dog? I mean, it seems so but I am not so sure. This seems like a husband and communication and responsibility issue. From your blogs, it seems that he wanted the dog and you did not. Is that right? Either it is both of your responsibilities to train the dog or it should be his.
I am a little curious why he waits until you are in the car to argue. Might be something to bring up in the counseling session. Feels like he is trying to protect himself from looking “bad” in front of the counselor. It seems like it would be beneficial for the both of you to be as honest in the room with the counselor as in your car by yourselves.
It also seems like he still has a lot to work though with his music not going well. I know when I was trying to be a youth minister, after years of college and seminary, I was pretty ticked and depressed when church after church kept rejecting me. Eventually, I had enough, had to get unstuck, so I applied for a resident chaplain position. It was outside of my box but still used my skills. Maybe he needs to find something similar as it pertains to music. But in the end, it has to be his choice to change perspectives. You can be depressed over the same thing and nothing changes OR you can change and try something different. then see what works and doesn’t work.
p.s. – A radical and gross approach might be NOT to clean up the pee, but to leave it there until he cant stand it and cleans it himself. this also might make him want to train to dog. My parents did that to my little brother and sister with their dog. they wanted a dog but then didn’t want to clean up after it when it peed or pooed in the house. they decided they would tell them to pick it up and then leave it on the floor…. ha, also my parents occasionally didn’t like when I didn’t do the trash back when I was younger and lived at home, so once or twice I got bags of trash on my bed when I didnt do my job in the morning before going to school. Just some thoughts.
@Doubledb - You are right. The problem is not the dog. In fact, I was the one who wanted the dog. I brought him home when he was 6 wks old. I asked for him. I prepared to train him… etc. All was going well until I could not longer watch the children in my home I was watching and took a a really decent paying job. So… the training was much harder and Johnny would not allow me to cage the dog. he was only about 10 weeks old at the time.
Basically, it is a responsibility issue. It hit home when i stopped thinking about the dog and started realizing I actually enjoy Diggy’s company, I’m resentful towards my husband. While I could get rid of the dog and not bat an eyelash… I also respect my husband enough to work hard to train the animal because he is so connected to him. I’ve done lots of research on how to go about this training, but johnny rejects it all because it takes work, commitment and he feels its unfair to the dog to ‘change’ things. For instance, starting to cage train.
We had a cage and that was the plan. Well… it broke Johnny’s heart… so he made me stop using it. I do recall the dog scratching quite a bit until his paw bled. So I understood why he felt like it wasn’t working. There are still other was to do it, and other cage options. I also think, from my research that Diggy as separation anxiety. I think he thinks I’m the pack leader and he’s second in command and above johnny. He acts very differently when it’s me and the boys at home and when Johnny enters the picture in the evening. I’ve read a lot about different techniques… but Johnny won’t put them into action WITH me. I’ve never asked him to do it alone or refused to care for a helpless animal to teach Johnny a lesson. I still do what I should with him. And I really care about how he fits into our family and how to have a HAPPY dog. i think our dog really isn’t happy and needs training to feel safe and secure.
anyway… that was really long, but you seem to be a little long-winded as well so I thought you could handle it LOL
@theKisSilent - this is very truthful stuff. i was leery of biblical counseling for those reason. this couple is really trying to get to the root of our issues. I’m hoping something is triggered for Johnny that really opens him up. He is so private and I’m so open that counseling feels a little unbalanced right now… I am trying to think of a way to make him more comfortable about getting all the ugly out without putting him on the spot and making it worse. you know?
@xXrEMmUsXx - yep, I can be pretty long-winded too, ha ha
@Such_are_you - Oh Lonnie… surely he’s not any of those things! Just a man trying to figure out how to make it all work.
I’ve often needed a blankie and pacifier in this journey too.
@Such_are_you - After re-reading… I might have to wonder if you are angry about some other things connected to this in some way… you alright friend?
@xXrEMmUsXx - Well, my ex-fiancé did begin to behave a little like your husband is acting. In our relationship she had stopped caring about what we had, and started spending her time trying to make me into her fantasy guys. That was over months ago, and I’m not one to sit around pining for past loves.
What I’m talking about isn’t merely about your husband. This is something I’ve seen more and more in guys over the years. I do see it in women too, but it is predominantly men. Relationship means sacrifice for the benefit of the relationship. Every relationship costs us something personal, and we make that sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. It’s no longer a question of what I want as a guy, and becomes a question of, “What is right for the couple; husband and wife, and what is best for the children, for whom we have 100% responsibility. None of us is an island and the quicker we learn that relationship is more important than the singular male or singular female. Marriage is a relationship I lay my life down for; that out of two single people may come a family. We lay aside self for the benefit of family. That’s what God offers us in his Son Jesus. We set aside self and reach for relationship with God. Jesus tells us, “Anyone who wants to be my disciple will deny self…”
That explain it better?
@Such_are_you - certainly. that was some good stuff!!!! I just wanted to make sure you were ok… you aren’t usually so harsh. I mean, you’re to the point, which i love… because I am too.
I think he was whining a bit. I have as well. we both stop thinking about the other and start fighting for our rights as an individual.
Walk the dog at regular intervals, if you just let the dog out he will deliberately not pee all that he needs to in anticipation of going out later because he has a biological imperative to mark his territory. Letting him out will just make him pee enough to not explode.
As for your husband, I had the same sort of relationship with my sister, whenever a problem would arise no matter how small I’d bring it up to clear the air and she would interpret merely bringing something up as an attack on her and perceive herself as the victim. It made it impossible to resolve any emotional conflict and everyone just stayed raw all the time. My father was the same way. They had a problem called narcissistic personality disorder. What it basically is is that their parents did a number on them and praised or berated them arbitrarily based on their neurosis, so they never got to feel good about themselves, they were always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because of this they never learned to feel good if they do x and bad if they do y but instead learned to feel good if people think well of them and feel bad if people don’t. It’s a form of chronic insecurity. To them shining a spotlight on something bad they’ve done or even something that seems in any way bad (like telling an “outsider” that the dog pees in the house) makes them feel emotionally as though they’ve just confessed to murder. It causes them pain and anxiety as if you just punched them in the face.
This is problematic of course because forgiveness requires an act of contrition, they have to acknowledge that something was bad and apologize in order for you to forgive them and move on. And not being able to admit (to others or to yourself) that there’s a problem is a huge handicap.
Now I don’t know if this is your husband’s problem or what, and if it was you’d probably notice other bad behavior in him like a cruel sense of humor or the need to tear others down regularly etc. Maybe he has some other hangup, I don’t know.
But I don’t think it’s about the dog pissing on the carpet, something else is going on.
But if he does have something like that disorder knowing that might help you. Either way it seems similar in the sense that it’s like you two are speaking different languages. You say x, he hears y (and visa versa).
Also your counselor might suck.
@agnophilo - haha, I do think my counselors have a thing or two to learn… but the idea that we get to ‘talk’ through things is at least helpful at the moment… we only have a couple sessions left with them. Honestly, Johnny and I have found more help in the stuff I’ve read on the internet about our personality types… =/
I don’t know that he is quite where you sister is, but it does sound very similar. He is critical of many people and when he feels insecure, he just avoids those people. Constantly comparing himself to others. One day he has this air of about him – cocky. But it’s a false pride. He will cut this person down or whatever. He is just never ever pleased with himself or anyone else for that matter.
@xXrEMmUsXx - If it’s narcissistic personality disorder he could potentially be dangerous. Check out this guy’s videos on NPD (link), he was diagnosed with it and is one of the few that got help. The video suggesting obama has NPD I think is idiotic, but in his defense the guy is not american and was probably going on how he’s portrayed by the right.
@agnophilo - if anyone has it that is dangerous it would my sister. johnny wouldn’t hurt a fly… but i’m going to watch it real quick =] my sister and I just got in a physical altercation last thursday. She is the most selfish person I know and will just tear your apart in a second.
@agnophilo - yeah, i mean, there are ‘things’ that are similar, but… I don’t know man… that’s pretty far. He is very stuck on ‘objects’ tho. haha, so is my sister! that was what our fight was about. People taking advantage of her money.
@xXrEMmUsXx - My mom said my father was not bad until after they got married, then it was like the mask fell off. Granted people are individuals including people with NPD, so no two are going to be identical, but someone with NPD might not do bad things simply because it would cost them more than it would benefit them. So they could be relatively harmless, or they could in another setting (like say as a leader of a hate group) have the opportunity to be perceived as a hero and praised and loved and run with it, because beating back that insecurity is their primary motivation.
@xXrEMmUsXx - They often see other things as extensions of themselves, literally. If someone hurts their child they might become outraged, but not out of concern for the child but rather because they see it as an attack on themselves, because they see the child as a proxy for themselves (so they can share in their child’s accomplishments). This is similar to normal psychology but just more extreme.
@agnophilo - yeah. i’m still watching and listening to the videos. interesting stuff! This makes me think about my dad too… but again, I just see ‘traits’ in people… not overwhelming evidence.
@xXrEMmUsXx - It’s often been said women marry their fathers – psychologically we relive past relationships in new ones to resolve unresolved feelings and problems. So if your father had NPD you would naturally gravitate toward relationships with people who are similar as a second chance to fix the first relationship vicariously. I do this to some degree myself.
@agnophilo - that is very interesting… my father and I are very much alike. and my husband and my father are very different…
@xXrEMmUsXx - That’s strange – you look at the elements of someone with a narcissistic personality and see your father, I look at your description and see elements of someone with NPD in your husband – yet to you they seem totally different.
Either you are too close to your husband to see him clearly or I’m too far from the situation to see it clearly. Either way seems entirely possible.