June 3, 2013
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While he didn't deserve to feel this way, I didn't ask for it either.
Today is rough.
There are moments I almost forget to feel. I have to remind myself that turning off my emotions won't help anyone.
I'm content to be busy right now.
But, then the evening comes... and that awkward hour before bed when he asks me if I love him again. My eyes glaze over, a lump grows in my throat and I say yes, of course... but we both know he is asking if I've fallen in love again.
Intimacy is difficult, unless I'm just really turned on. I know TMI. But it's the truth. It's difficult to be intimate when I'm just not sure how or why I don't have feelings anymore.
Why can't I be proud of him? Why am I not happy with being Mrs. Smith? His last name used to make me feel so special. His presence in the room gave me confidence. Now, I just feel guilt.
I'm guilty. I've failed him. I have no answers. All I know is it's gone. It's gone and I'm looking everywhere...
I've looked in the past,
I've looked to prayer.
I've read articles, blogs and books.
I've searched for testimonies and hopeful tips for loving again.
I'd shared my story looking for similar feelings and encouragement.
I've been honest.
I've been raw and transparent.
I've been scared.
I've been hopeful.
I've cried.
I've smiled still.
I've remembered...
but nothing has brought back what I once had.
Maybe it shouldn't... maybe something new is coming for us
Maybe this is happening for a reason.
Maybe it's only rough for a season.
I'm a broken woman, breaking the spirit of what was once the best thing that ever happened to me.
While he didn't deserve to feel this way, I didn't ask for it either.
Comments (8)
We all go through seasons like that. We really do. I saw this thing on pinterest and it was a picture of a really old couple holding hands and it said, "When people ask us how we stayed married for so long we tell them it's simple. We come from a generation where if something was broken we didn't throw it away. We fixed it."
@aSeriesofFortunateEvents - I've seen that! It always makes me smile...
*hugs*
Feelings are fickle. But it is really hard when you can't get yourself to feel anything. It's not pleasant
Some things, once broken, will never be as they once were exactly. But the future can hold better things. Things only found through picking up the pieces and making the relationship stronger than ever.
Not sure how long you have been married, but all relationships will go through rough patches and it takes both committed parties to come together to fix it. Both people have to pitch in and work on it, and at times it requires a professional (counselors) to help you through it because when you're knee deep in the mud, bystanders can shed some light that you're too close to the problem(s) to actually see it.
@sf2slc - 8 years.
@xXrEMmUsXx - the flame of passion will subside, but the underlying love is what keeps a marriage going. There comes a time when you question yourself, the other party, and the togetherness. Takes a lot of strength to continue.
Do you have any dependents together?
@sf2slc - 2 boys. 2 and 3 yrs old.
No doubt I love him. But marriage love is different. I've never NOT felt that kind of love towards him. So it's very confusing.
@xXrEMmUsXx - 2 and 3 yrs old are quite a handful. Are you feeling any stress from taking care of them? Are you a stay at home mom or do you work?