June 5, 2013

• Unprivate and Uncovered

  After a pretty bad feud in the middle of the night... this morning went a little like this (the conversation was of course much longer but here is the gist):

   

  Me: I hate you.

  Johnny: then leave.

  Johnny: But I'm still in love with you.

   

  Something just clicked. I'm not sure what and I don't want to overthink it. 

  I just remember I felt like I was dying... like losing him today would kill me. And, truthfully, I think part of me would die forever.

  I started flashing through our relationship. All the things I would miss... how I would essentially just miss him, his smell... his touch... his voice. Watching him walk, hearing him laugh. I'd miss the sincerity in his eyes. I'd mostly miss how soft and gentle his hands are. He has the softest hands. They are perfect from the length of his fingers, the shape of his palms to the freckles! 

  Suddenly, I wanted to change everything. I wanted to run to him and see if I could see his love in his eyes... if I could remember the innocence of our first time holding hands and the exact feeling I used to get years and years later when he would grab my hand in the car.

  Being a little hard and cynical, I want to test and try it... I need to feel it tangibly...

  We are exchanging texts all morning.

  I start to realize that I've never really felt chosen. I've never felt like he wanted me as much as I wanted him. I suppose I hid in my heart an insecurity that he was only with me because I'm just the type that drags people along for the ride...

  He will never know how special this painful time has been in revealing that he can and will love me through anything. That he actually does love me, me... me? That I didn't pick him, we picked each other. I didn't just scoop him up and make him marry me, he chose me. 

  I don't want to talk about what lead here or if there is anything more 'healing' blah blah blah... the whole last year as been about trying to figure out what is wrong...

  I'm just going to enjoy this moment.

   

  Also, being the totally unprivate person I am... I couldn't keep the discovery of my husband's blog @intelligence101 a secret for long!

  I just couldn't keep it in and asked him when he's blogging again because I've been waiting to read =]

   

  Says he's going to blog more... so check him out. 

  You've read our story from my perspective... you've cheered me on, cyber hugged me and prayed for us. You've wanted to punch him, you've wanted to shake me straight... and you've wanted a happy ending... right?

  I think it's kind of neat that the end of xanga (which really could just be a rebirth or renewal) may just be the same time-frame that my marriage makes a turn for the better...

  I kind of wish we could afford those subscriptions now =/

  • 1:10 pm
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