June 10, 2013

• "You started getting more attractive after my 5th drink."

  I worry he is too hurt.

  (it is weird that now when I say he, I know he's a part of the audience reading this... whereas before, it was just a 'possibility' that he would read.)

  Johnny had a few drinks last night. His insecurities rose to the surface pretty quickly, and while I knew that it was the alcohol, the pain was obviously something he feels and just works through when he's sober minded. It actually reminded me of the night I went out and got so drunk my sister had to make me leave the bar before I got any closer to some guy that I blatantly told: "You started getting more attractive after my 5th drink." I'm not a fan of alcohol, but the last couple of years it has seemed to find its way into our lives. It also seems that if you're having a relaxing glass of wine and your heart is light and free - life is good and just gets better... but if you are bummed, pissed off or just plain depressed, a drink leads to drunk pretty fast in a pool of your own puke crying and saying things you'd haven't the courage to admit otherwise.

  Back to remembering the night I came home a hot mess... I was so angry with Johnny when I left, I could have cared less if it ended that night. I was blinded by hurt, rejection and fear of more hurt and rejection. The thing I remembered the most after listening to Johnny cry on the way home last night, was the few short minutes in my driveway when my sister brought me back... when we pulled in I had just realized she brought me home and I panicked. I didn't want to go in and see him. I knew the only thing I wanted to do was end it. She started crying too and apologized for not knowing how much pain I was in the last few years. It hit me harder, my sister was sober and not a cryer. In fact, when I start crying she usually tells me to dry it up and stop being dramatic. It felt significant, even in my drunk state of mind, that she validated my pain.

  That night sucked in the long run pretty bad, and I'm still trying to establish trust, but my lack of affection and romantic feelings were really making that darn near impossible. 

  I'm happy to say that its been a good part of a week and I still feel our connection growing.

  I'm not totally sure where I was going with this...

  So, I'll just go somewhere else.

  The other night when things started shifting, I felt the Lord revealing some significant things in my heart. I feel a little lack-luster in my writing so I hope I do it justice and my words don't fall flat. I started to feel myself warming again. Resentment was fading and I was melted by Johnny's persistence of my love, but mostly his acknowledgement that whether I loved him or not he would love me forever. That is a hard thing to believe... but I did, I do. I felt the Lord parallel His love for me in Johnny's response. I remember feeling this deep unconditional acceptance, unlike what I have received from Johnny before. A scripture came to mind: Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

  Johnny may have taken things in our marriage for granted... he may not have been mature enough to understand how to communicate love in a way that made sense or fulfilled me, but after all this - after the pain I know my rejection caused him... there is not a doubt in my mind that when he says he loves me, when he says I'm the only one he wants, when he says he's attracted to me, when he says I'm his best friend, when he says he misses me, when he says he wants me... he means it. I've nearly left. I've threatened a covenant bond. I've tried to reason. I've given up. He didn't. Even when his heart was broken and I couldn't return to him what he deserved. 

  When our kids move out and start families of their own, and Johnny and I are settling in life as empty nesters... I hope I never forget this time in our lives where his love saved me, saved our family.

   

  • 11:26 am
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