We just got home from an explosive 'after counseling' argument that got way out of hand.

Johnny said things like...

"This is too much work."

"You have too many needs."

"You're the one with all the problems."

"You're a constant reminder that I'm failing. You know I hate to fail."

Ok. So, I really haven't been able to think through things. I know I wanted to write immediately after the conversation, but I had to put the kiddos to bed and Johnny fell asleep during that time. I had time to think and all... but the reality of it just kind of faded as my headache and nausea increased. I just wanted to run... to go out in the pitch black and run until I collapsed.

The counselors brought up the 'dog' issue. And Johnny basically shut down.

I could tell he was upset, but there was no forcing him. He got real honest in the car though and things went bad FAST.

So fast that he is basically done, at least that is what he is saying right now.

I know things are stressful right now. Money just got crazy tight and now we are behind on our mortgage with credit cards maxed out. I'm about to start school Monday. Things are looking really hard and strenuous. Maybe he is just having a hard time - BUT... that is what counseling is for. So my issue is that he was dead silent through all of it, but then just lost it in the car when I asked him what was wrong. He was mad that I was honest about how the dog pees in the house. Apparently that made us sound 'dirty'. Look, I dont' sugar coat very well... and I'm PISSED that my house gets PISSED in. The dog fight is long running and he never takes my concerns seriously. I take his seriously though, otherwise I would have gotten rid of the dog already. (I'm not sure if I've blogged about the dog fights before.)

The counselors brought up the dog because I got a little heated about it when it came up for a second in the last session and it was clear that it's a problem for me. They basically just told us we need to work together to get the dog trained so everyone can be happy and we can have a happy dog that everyone can handle. But Johnny doesn't want to train the dog he just wants me to deal with it. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being bit, I'm tired of cleaning pee off my couch that was so nice. The floor is shot from him... sure, our house is still cute, but it's just damaged now. Sure I clean it, but it's still taken a beating and it's a constant problem and hassle to clean. All because Johnny wants an animal that he doesn't want to have to take the time to play with or train properly. I'm willing to do the work, but he says he is giving 100% and has nothing left to give.

I'm just confused. I don't know why we are trying to adjust and meet each others' needs if he thinks we are already giving all we have...

 

My eyes are hurting... my jaw is hurting from clenching it for the last 5 hours.

 

And I'm emotionally drained because we touched on the topic of Johnny's mom and my relationship falling apart... I'm not ready for that session next week. 

 

I swear Johnny was so checked-out that I'd be surprised if he even heard that part. 

 

I knew something was wrong. I knew I should have called him out in the session... It was just that neither one of us talked much. The counselors shared a lot this week and we kind of listened more I guess.

I just wish he would stop thinking I'm the only one who has problems. He thinks that me addressing things is so frustrating... I don't understand. I'm 'dealing' with it when I address it. His idea of dealing si 'forgetting' just 'getting over it'. I cannot, and will not operate that way. He has a lot going on inside that he just doesn't talk about. I'm his wife. I know what his fears are, what pains him... I'm well aware of the things he hides in his heart... at least as aware as I can be without him talking about them. I have to read between the lines. BUT GOSH I WISH HE'D JUST SUCK UP HIS PRIDE AND SPIT IT OUT AT THE SESSIONS! If he doesn't start getting honest with himself, me and the counselors.. of course it's going to look like i'm the only one who has problems or is addressing anything. I think it is clear that I'm not a perfect wife, so please... just say what you're thinking man!!!

 

ok... that's all I have right now. Time for bed. 

Ha, so... remember how I totally wasn't into the counseling and the dude made me feel all awkward and shh'ed me from the beginning? Well, I'm pretty sure he has one of those really awesome intuitive wives because they actually addressed it this week and I was able to share how I felt and be open and honest about everything. Refreshing. He started with... "We picked up on some things and just wanted to know what the car ride home was like after counseling last week?" Johnny instantly looked at me all wide-eyed like "I'm not telling them anything you said!" LOL. So after he fumbled over his words and made up some generic fake conversation that never happened, I just said what I was thinking and how I felt and... man did I feel better. I simply said, "I'm nervous about what you interpret to be biblical truth for the family structure and what we interpret it to be... and while we need the counseling I'm afraid that our idea of God's will might be different from yours." They responded by saying that even though they were certified through a specific organization, they understand that every couple needs something special and specific and they in no way want us to feel like they are pushing a program on us or anything like that. They recognized that and wanted us to be comfortable and open.

So... counseling last night was SO MUCH BETTER. Made a pretty significant breakthrough too...

When I shared the lack of support and desire from Johnny to do things as a couple... and his rejection of me in the music department. It came down to him just saying "I was immature." And for some reason, that was enough. I was able to just look at him and say... wow, we were just 19 years old... and 'figuring' things out. i guess that is a valid reason and my confusion just kind of started to melt. Especially in light of all the things he shared about me that he loves. And in light of all of the support he is giving me to run and go to school. I feel blessed.

You know, we've been through a few traumatic experiences together... and life sometimes just moves faster than you're ability to comprehend and understand what is going on. I need to give that to Johnny. He is trying so hard. He is focused, and never once has he ever given up through this entire year of my mixed emotions and painful outbursts. He's been hurting himself but remained patient, loyal... and gentle with me. I have a treasure and my heart is safe with him.

I have a sense of relief right now. My running shoes aren't laced to escape now... just to train for this marathon of life I'm signed up for =]

Thank you for the warm thoughts, the prayers... the words of wisdom the empathy. 

I love you guys <3

LOVE FEARLESSLY!!!

(I think I will do another blog with the things we shared that we loved about each other.)

 

We have counseling tonight. It is our second one. Our homework was to list 10 things that we liked about each other in the beginning of our relationship. I could have kept going passed 10. =]

We have been doing well. It just really took me a minute to let go of some of the hurt his rejection has caused. Even though he has been working to help me heal, it wasn't happening fast enough. I feel better. But I'm still fearful of the same old, same old. 

Honestly, his encouragement for me to run this marathon has been overwhelmingly special. He hasn't been much support. I've usually been the one cheering him on and then learning how to cheer myself on while I did things alone. To have him be proud of me and sincere, to work our schedules around my training and school, to finally feel like something that is important to me matters to him... I think THIS is the reason I'm finally softening up a bit. 

I can say "I love you" again without feeling like I'm trying to make him feel better or like I'm just saying it because I love him like i love everyone else.

 

The passion isn't ignited in some momentousness way, but something feels special about 'us' again and I'm looking forward to continuing to nurture that.

Xangans, you have been a great support and friend to me when I needed you. You have given me courage, accepted me as I am and shared your wisdom, concerns and hopes with me. I appreciate each and everyone of you in this community; from the stalkers to the sincerely empathetic ooglers, from the outrageous agenda hungry to the reserved soft spoken, from the self-righteous bigots to the level-headed open-minded thinkers... I learn from you all! There is not a one of you I can't gain some insight and understanding from, even if it's just patience to be had.

Today, I need a little more help than usual.

 

My dad was diagnosed with Diabetes 20 years ago at the young age of 28. He recently faced the worst of his fears when his eyesight began to be effected by the disease. He went many years with no medication and no insulin but is now insulin dependent. His eyesight has been preserved with the help if laser treatments to control the bleeding and painful shots, but is severely damaged. Today, he still fights. And today, I signed up to run in the Chicago Marathon on October 13th of this year (my 1st ever). I joined a team - The Diabetes Action Team to help find a cure, healing and education for this growing disease in America.

This is where you come in Xangans -

Will you support me as I reach my fundraising goal of $750 (minimum, but I hope to double it)?!

I am a runner. I'm facing my fears on the pavement as my Dad has faced his and will for the rest of his life... 

Be a part of my journey, as you have so much already!

Check out my donations page: Diabetes Action - 26 miles for 26 million!

Like my Facebook page for inspiration and support! 

So I really want to discuss this... please please please read the article - pretty please?

A short excerpt from the blog to get you interested:

For patriarchalists, the power struggle between men and women will only end when men win. 

For egalitarians, the power struggle between men and women can only end when, like Christ, we both choose to lose. 

http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/patriarchy

I'm thinking of doing a vlog after taking a few notes on this subject - I'm intrigued and it lines up quite interestingly with a lot of what I'm learning about 'church' these days.

 

 

As my thoughts trudge on today... I'm met with disappointment. After taking so much on myself this morning and trying to learn how to handle what is at the moment, I feel this utter depletion of myself. I recognize this feeling as the haunting feeling from childhood. That feeling when my dad forget 90% of his promises... the feeling when the family was on our way to some big family event and plans would come crashing to a screeching halt when my mother suddenly had a migraine or my father's sugar was low. It is the feeling I've lived with most of my life holding onto hope so that some silver lining could emerge through the poverty, illnesses and general fear that plagued my family and kept us from fulfilling normal family obligations. While I think I will always be a ray of hope in the darkest of times... it seems to be my nature... i cannot escape the looming feeling of disappointment nor dismiss it's ability to drag me deeply beyond normal thinking patterns.

I can tell in my writing that i'm feeling things deeply. My word choice is flowing and it is easy to sound intriguing. 

Why my pain produces writing so well, I've never understood... but I will ride the train in hopes of revealing something helpful....

So I am not perfect, obviously. I have wrestled from time to time with lust - pornography. It's never a constant. It is never something I hide or sneak around to do. I just tend to stumble upon it like a moron and follow it to some pleasure that never really satisfies any real need. It generally just leaves me realizing how tantalizingly useless it is. And then I wonder why I even waste my time.

Well, somehow that led me to a blog after I was already somewhat emotionally overcharged.

I simply messaged Johnny "you give up too easily". He never responded. It was mid chatting too... so I'm not sure why he didn't respond.

I read this here: (the whole blog is a great read - you should check it out)

Fight To Increase Your Wife’s Beauty

1 Peter 3 says that the women of old made themselves beautiful by not fearing that which is fearful.  When a man loves his wife in an understanding way and fights for her to be unafraid, she becomes more beautiful.  In this way, a man loves himself by loving his wife (Eph 5:28).  The more beautiful your wife is to you, the more you’ll enjoy her, and the less likely you’ll be to look elsewhere (Prov 5:18-20).

I apologize, I did not look up the scriptures.

You know... the disappointment I felt after reading that was stabbing. I wept quietly, so as to not concern my son Levi who hadn't fallen asleep for his nap yet. My breaths were so deep I thought I might hyperventilate if I didn't just wail in pain. 

I'm not entirely sure what I'm so disappointed about, but I certainly wish Johnny would start trying instead of just 'waiting'. He is losing my affection, and even though it kills him... it won't move him. It makes absolutely no sense to me. And this is what lead me to my ignorant night out at the bars with my sister and her b/f's friend, whom i drunkenly touched his thigh one too many times. I just desperately want to know what it is that made me so willing to let go of my inhibitions and, essentially, let something go so wrong to bring change that wouldn't normally happen if I had not gone haywire. Alcohol, yes... BUT, obviously my head was in the wrong place to start if a sweet mother of 2 young boys sees fit to go prancing around a bar taking shots from anyone buying. 

 

I literally gave you everything I had

it's how I am

all of me

i do not hold back

I gave you every ounce of everything i knew

i lived for you

your happiness

your world

I was just happy to cheer you on

I don't know why that did not suffice

in the long run

I suppose i died

 

something must have woke me

saved me

and opened my eyes

but it's all too confusing to recognize

 

i'm lonelier than ever

and for the first time I don't fear myself

i feel strong in my solitude

though i wonder how

and if I'm allowed

maybe it is this inner strength that ruined us

gave me new hope i could go on alone

why did i want that in the first place

oh yes, i remember

I was starving for space

you had taken my dreams and made them a mockery

so I hid alone in the bathroom with the razor

trying to understand my own behavior

And these are the days I like the least.

Even if I'm ridden with emotion uncontrolled

at least it's me and not him.

I want to take away all the pain, hurt and rejection

I want to love him back to ease

the problem is my heart is still not listening

it won't respect the decision my mind has made

in all the things I do from day to day

without the connection love once made

they feel empty

without feeling the magic holding his hand

that smile that graced my face as he spoke my name

things just shut off

I'm trying to turn the damn switch back on

"HURRY HURRY" I say...

"Don't damage the relationship any further."

dig deeper, find something new if you have to

but for the sake of your family...

something has to give

you are responsible

you made a lifelong commitment

for better or worse

so.... i stick out these bad days and pray 

I pray that he will not be hurting

I pray that his heart is protected

his gentle, kind... tender heart that he gave to me

 

i have officially failed him.

I can love him, as I do...

but that magic that made us special left 

and I can't find it again.

I should be sleeping, but I just got back from coffee with a friend.

I'm tired... I just don't want to go lie in bed with him at the moment. The couch looks suitable.

I'm trying. I'm literally forcing myself to stay positive. This is when my emotions just die and I go into survival mode.

And at this point, I think I'm the bad guy...

Depending on the day, my perspective of my marriage, myself and johnny can be very different. Tonight my friend said I'm taking all the blame. Look, I don't care who is to blame, I just want him to be happy, me to be happy and life to go on. I don't want to neglect responsibility for anything I've failed to do or have done. And I don't think he wants to either. So I will take my share of the blame, I will take it all if helps anything.

He was mad at me tonight. He bought a Harley about a month or so ago. We didn't have the money to send off the title and insure it right away. Well, I was supposed to send off the title today, but I can't find it. Last place he saw it was on the microwave, last place I saw it was on the table - who saw it last, i don't know... but it is my responsibility. I'm not sure why, it is his bike. He thinks I was procrastinating getting the insurance on it, but he told me we didn't have the money yet. I already got the quote for the insurance... what more could I do until he said 'ok, the money is there'.

I love how when he is stressed, I get all the blame for everything. Everyone that knows us knows I'm forgetful. While its not an excuse, don't expect me to remember something that isn't either written down or... written down. and.... even that isn't a guarantee I will notice. I need reminders. Sometimes alarms go off on my phone and I forgot to title the alarm and can't remember why i set it in the first place. I'm a scatterbrain. I'm good at a lot of other things... organizing and following through with a to-do list isn't my strong suit. I go from room to room getting distracted and forgetting what I came for in the first place, then doing something else. It could be a holiday and I have no idea until the middle of the day. I try to make lists and keep calenders. It helps, but it still does not cure my wondering mind. 

So, I'm back to just being numb. I guess I still was anyway.

 

I'm going to stop trying to write the poem I've deleted 3 times. I just don't have it in me. That makes me angry too... I want to say what I'm thinking. Make sense of something. Now I'm just agitated and ready for something to give. but... I will continue just trying not to feel too much and carrying on.

My 2 mile run today was good. Gave me an accomplishable goal.

i think my foot injury was just a bruise... 

I freaking wear my shoes tied super tight and I had relaced after cleaning up my shoes the morning of the race. When I put my shoes on today they were ridiculously tight and given the fact that the feet swell up, I probably was smashing the side of my foot repeatedly with every step... However, I still don't know for sure if that is it, but I will certainly be cautious of how tight my shoes are.

The pain from just a bruise though... i just don't know. I do bruise pretty easily...

I'm going to go for a jog anyway.

I ran my first 5k (3.1 miles) on Saturday =] The weather was brutal but I still beat my own goal of 33 minutes... my official time on the website says 31:49 (when I crossed the finish line it said 31:32, but that's ok... the timer on my bib was obviously the accurate one). I could not believe it was 40 degrees and felt like 35 with huge gust of freezing winds. (it ended up hitting 70 later in the day). I will never forget how amazing that first finish line felt. (I ran track in 7th and 8th grade, hurdles... but I've never loved it like I do at this point in my life.)

My husband was there to photograph my finish... but, his phone kept turning off and he would have to open the camera up again and he missed me all together. LOL, but I plan on buying a photo they took of me, you can see my finish line SMILE - HERE. I'm in all grey - bib# 607.

Here are some other photos - there were over 3000 runners (pretty local group).

Before the race (sweet Kim in the middle credits me for inspiring her to run this race - love her... she's beyond encouraging! She inspired me!!!)

Waiting to face the elements 'indoor'... getting amped! official bib number with my name on it!!!

Waiting at the start line... (in all grey... i didn't plan to run in my Nike CrossCountry hoodie, but it did inspire my passion to run again so, I'm glad I did!)

And the bell rings... we are off (first minute in I started asking myself what in the world I was doing there - HAHA)

Me with my runners' high gloating in my accomplishments!!! 

 

Ok... so that was Race number 1. My good friend Kirsten talked me into an 8k (4.97 miles) also that weekend, Sunday - this was the BIG RACE! The Big City race... the one I was really working to get a good time in... the one one that cost the most... the one that I was planning to run with my sweet friend. The Shamrock Shuffle. Her dear father passed suddenly just a week before the race and she decided not to run. She didn't decide or certain until the night before. I ran alone, and I ran with a bizarre foot injury. With the adrenaline from my first race, I hadn't noticed that my foot was hurting until we went to Chicago to pick up my race packet a couple hours later and I had to hustle through Navy Pier. I got back in the car and thought maybe my shoe was messed or something. All night I hobbled and worried about if I could run my BIG RACE. I was discouraged, worried I'd injure in more... I was icing and heating it... I was resting it and checking for swelling and bruising... Finally it was 6am Sunday morning and my alarm wakes me up. I immediately move my foot around. It still hurts like heck. So I start googling. No help. I have to decide. I wake up my husband. He says "lets do this"... come on. You will regret it if you don't. So I wipe my tears and calm my nerves enough to get there. We wait in the corral for an hour and 15 minutes before the race actually starts. Now I have to pee from 'hydrating'. and you can't leave your corral. Well, there are potties along the way, but it will obviously cost you some time - oh well, I'd probably be walking anyway, I figured. So I will have to stop and pee at the first available porta. I'm in the last corral, by the way. When I signed up, I had no idea how well my training would go. I was keeping 11 minute miles on my long runs. So... 55 minutes for a 5 mile was my goal... only, after the concern for hurting my foot further took over my brain, I was just shooting to finish in the hour and 15 minute time limit set on the race. 

The race finally starts... its 9:58. (been in my corral since 8:30, even though i could technically leave and come back until 9). We were the second wave (blue). The Red people had qualifying times to start at the front... but even in corral E, that would be a long wait with 40,000+ runners (I personally had number 44,000 and something starting next to me). Anyway... I had no idea how huge this race was. My second race, my first 8k... and it was the largest 8k in the country - LOL, wow. With a bum foot - GREAT. 

The race starts. And walking is more painful than running... so I suck it up, run run run... and I even stopped to pee (took 3 minutes to wait in line fr a porta potty). I'm barely feeling any pain. THe adrenaline takes over and I'm in full stride. I'm passing people and almost crying as I realize I made the right decision to participate. I know my foot isn't broken and even though it his hurting anytime I try to stop for water, or to walk a little (I was planning to do intervals - 1 minute walking 4 minutes running). Walking was painful though... weird. So I ran it. and I got 55:21 for my finishing time =] YES!!!!! I freaking took a piss break and still got 55 minutes? what? OH MY GOSH. I'm freaking awesome. Everyone's faces along the way are flashing through my mind. The guy who was giving high fives and shouted "you got this sunshine"... the weird guy with the rubber glove on that was obviously a germ-a-phobe, the super tall guy with the green curly wig on that I looked up at with my music blaring in my ears as I saw him mouth he crow behind him as he ran backwards "you can do it, come on!". Each one of them gave me that extra fuel I needed to finish strong. 

Mostly though, my husband... who accompanied me. He sincerely apologized for not encouraging me in my passions throughout our marriage. He was genuinely proud of me. He was sorry for missing out on the things I love and was beyond excited to be a part as a supporter for me. He said, "from now on when people as what my wife does, I'm going to say "she runs." he made me smile, and cry. Our entire marriage his criticism was so much louder than my passions... and FINALLY... he was 100% supportive without a complaint. Beyond grateful. 

I had to tell him how hurt I was initially that he hadn't made plans to go. As a child, i had lots of desires... lots of initiative, but my parents were unmotivated and I often had to sit on the side lines because of lack of money and mother always being depressed. I ran track in 7th and 8th grade. I was a hurdler and a distance runner - I didn't win any 1st places, but I had a great form and lots of potential. My parents came to 1 track meet. I played basketball in 5th grade and in 9th grade, they never came to a basketball game in 5th grade and only 1 in 9th grade. I cheered in 4th grade... I cried when they missed my first game and my coach had to drive me home. I didn't really know what it felt like to be supported... I gotta say - it was incredible. All the disappointment just melted away!

sorry I didn't mean for that to be so long... here are the pics from the Shamrock Shuffle: 

Chicago =]

me, me and me =]

I have no finishing pics here either, it was really hard to even get to the finish line for supporters =/